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Question for Birth Mommies

I am also a birth mom. And lately, it really feels like the couple that adopted my son are simply ignoring my requests for pics and updates in the hopes that I simply just move on. Do you ever feel like they expect you to just forget about your kids and move on with life like they never existed?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:57 PM on Nov. 18, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (23)
  • I am not in your shoes, but I imagine it feels like an intrusion to them. They probably hoped the mother of their adopted child wouldn't want to be involved. It is also possible that they fear you may try to get your son back. Why not try talking to them. Explain that you chose them so that your son would be taken care of and you have no intentions of taking him from them. Someday, he will want to know you and it would be nice for them not to have to tell him they kept him from you.

    Answer by casperskitty at 4:01 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • My adoptive parents kept me from my BM and I still wish to this day that they hadn't. I don't even know if she is dead or alive - I just pray that she's happy.

    Answer by Babylove76 at 4:04 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • Yes, I do! I keep asking my baby's aparents for more than 3 pictures a year and they refuse. I have asked them about her personality, and nothing! I have 2 tidbits from her almost 2 years. They also told me that they are closing the adoption at 5 years, even though I have asked them wholeheartedly not to. They think that the key to me not wanting to know about her is counseling. Um, no amount of counseling in the world could EVER stop me from wanting to know. Grrr.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:05 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • I am not a birth mom but I was partially adopted... My father signed his rights away and gave me up. At that point he had NO RIGHT to be a part of my life. Whatever reason you signed your child away I'm sure it was because you felt they could do better... Let them!! You signed your rights away find help but live by your choices!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:47 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • To Anon 1:47-
    If they make it clear during the adoption plan that they are uncomfortable with contact, I would understand your point. But many of us were promised pictures and updates of our surrendered children and we expect those promises to be kept. If we trusted them enough to raise the child we gave birth to, how hard is it to put some pictures in the mail?

    Answer by randi1978 at 5:18 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • I am an adoptive mom, and I am so sorry you are going through this. We have kept all of our promises to our son's birth mom. We would never think to not keep our word. To me for them not to send pictures, that is just heartless. I have witnessed first hand the love and the courage it took for our son's birth mom to make the choice of life and adoption. She will always hold a special place in our hearts. If the adoptive parents are trying to erase you from your son's life, or hide the fact of adoption that never is the answer. Being open and honest is always best. The adoptive parents can never change the fact that you are his birth mom, and that you love him. I hope your son's adoptive parents realize its okay for your son to love 2 mommies. I hope they realize the pain you are suffering.

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 8:22 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • For anon 3:47, what are the adoptive parents supposed to tell their son when he begins to ask about his birth mom? Oh, we got rid of her because we wanted you all to ourselves. He will resent it. It is best for them to allow him to know his mother if he wishes. It really shouldn't be up to any of the parents but up to the child if he wishes to know his birth mother.

    Answer by casperskitty at 8:48 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • ""Whatever reason you signed your child away I'm sure it was because you felt they could do better... Let them!! You signed your rights away find help but live by your choices!! ""

    And you do not believe that the aparents need to live up to their 'choices' as well? That of voluntarily entering into an open adoption? What kind of people are those that enter into open adoption agreements and then just the door soon after, when there is no justifiable reason to do so? Should adoptive parents not be held to their part in the 'agreement'? Or do some aparents only give lip-service to open adoption of a newborn, just to get a baby, knowing full well that they have no intention of keeping the door open? That is not only dishonest, it is fraudulent!

    Answer by LilLizaJane at 9:08 PM on Nov. 18, 2008

  • I have an open adoption agreement with the aparents of my son. I get letters and pictures once a year at Christmas, as does my mother. I know I could get more if I asked, however, we are all content with this arrangement. I agree with LizaJane here. If the aparents agreed to an open adoption, then they should comply with reasonable requests for information within the stipulations of the agreement. I was fortunate to have such a positive experience. A lot of Bmothers do not get that luxury.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 2:38 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • My semi open adoption is pretty much closed now. Been a struggle to get pictures twice for the past 6 yrs. For the 1st ten years I got them every few months but now...well I dont get what changed in the whole situation that I am ignored now. I always wrote back saying how greatful, appreciative, happy I was to get the pictures. It wasnt like I piped up one day with "Oh I want more pics more often!" or "I want a visit". It was the same arrangement but on their end they changed it. With no reason behind it. Its very sad.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:47 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

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