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6 Bumps

Would you confront the "other woman"??

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

DH and I have been married for almost 8 years. Three years ago, I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker; although he insisted all they did was kiss twice. I never believed that. I always said that there were two things that were deal breakers for me in my marriage. 1. any type of abuse toward me or my child and 2. Infidelity, yet when it came down to it, I couldn't leave. I loved my husband more than anything and I've been through so much in my life, he has always been my rock. I was devastated and he cried with me and SWORE it was over and he would NEVER hurt me like this again.

For the next 3 years, I've suspected that he was still seeing her, but I couldn't prove it, and any time I would ask him a question, he would just lie anyway, so I stopped asking, telling myself that IF he was still cheating, he'd slip up eventually and I'd know.

Well, in May, I confronted him and asked about him calling her. He denied it and got so angry he packed a bag, saying he needed to stay with a friend for "a couple days to clear his head". Guess where he went? STRAIGHT to the whore's house, where he stayed for the next 7 months. We were still talking every day, he would tell me how much he loved me. We were in marriage counseling and he promised to move back in during the holidays. Keep in mind that, at this point, I was unaware that he was staying with her; although I suspected. He did come home and sleep here Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The next day, I did some detective work and found un-disputable proof that he was staying at her house. I confronted him with it and he tried to lie, at first, then realized I had proof and wasn't going to back down. I kicked him out and buried myself in my bed for the next week. He kept calling and texting me, telling me how much he loves me and is just confused.

I KNOW I deserve better than how he's treated me, but the bottom line is: I still love him. Even through all the hurt and lies, I still love him.

He swears to me it's over and I now have complete control over our banking, his computer and phones. Trust is something I don't know I can ever give him again, but my new motto is "trust but verify".

Here are my issues: They work together; although in different offices across town from each other, but their paths do cross from time to time. This sort of thing is HIGHLY frowned upon in their workplace. He's a police detective and she is an admin. If I were to report it, he would certainly lose his job because he's a sworn officer and this is behavior unbecoming. She might lose her job as well. Ideally, I would like him to move to another department, but so many departments in our area are laying officers off, so it's unreasonable.

He has also said that, if we WERE to divorce (he filed papers in early December but couldn't bring himself to have me served), he would take care of me and my son and I wouldn't have to worry about the money. Because we're in CA. and have been married less than 10 years, I'm only entitled to spousal support for half the term of our marriage. I'm medically retired, so I can't work, so YES, money is a factor.

I have had to restrain myself soooooooooo much by not confronting this bitch! I called her cell number once to see if it was hers because it showed up on our phone bill so many times. She had the nerve to tell MY husband she didn't "need the drama". If you don't want the drama bitch, don't spread your legs to MY husband!!!!!

So, now I really want to call her and give her a piece of my mind and tell her that if she doesn't stay away from my husband I WILL make it my life's mission to make her life miserable, especially with her peers at work. But........I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to piss my DH off for fear he won't honor his promise to support us, or won't come home if I do this.

If you were me, would you confront her?

Answer Question
 
5150mama

Asked by 5150mama at 2:23 AM on Feb. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Level 11 (562 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • No. Not in this case. You have a choice...Stay with him, knowing you cannot trust him and accept that. Or leave and make a new life for yourself....I know that money is a factor here, but so is your self-esteem. I know you love him, but can you live with him knowing you cannot trust him?
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 2:30 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • Your husband has already proven that he cannot be trusted and doesn't keep his promises several times. I know you love him but you also have to love yourself enough to not be a doormat. If I were you, I would get a lawyer and a private investigator and catch him in the act so that when you go to court you can sue him for grief that he has caused you. As much as you want dh to change, I just don't think he is going to.
    SweetLoveofMine

    Answer by SweetLoveofMine at 2:41 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • It wouldn't be worth confronting this woman no matter how much you may want to. It may make you feel better for the moment but in the long run it won't get you anything but more pain and anger. And it could ruin any chances of reconciliation or even an amicable divorce. This is between you and your husband not her. She was most likely lied to by your husband about his marriage to you. Even if she knew he was married or not at this point she isn't really the destroying your marriage, your husband is. Karma will come to her if she did knowingly sleep with a married man. That should be revenge enough, trust me. Just let her be it will drive her crazy because I bet she is almost waiting for you to call her. Just don't, be strong. If she contacts you do not speak with her just calmly tell this is none of her business and tell her to never contact you again. Good Luck!
    Congenial

    Answer by Congenial at 2:56 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • Aside from all the other issues, as a way to really tick her off, you could post her cell # on here and she would get calls from around the country telling her about drama or just calling and saying oh, sorry, wrong number. All ya have to do is hit *67 (i think that's what it is) before dialing the number and your number comes up private on their phone. It'll keep her plenty busy.
    etown2reds

    Answer by etown2reds at 3:14 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • Instead of simply saying "sorry, wrong #", could y'all maybe say something like "You're a homewrecking hoe" ? It would make me feel so much better. LOL.

    Or, we could overload her inbox at her work e-mail.

    I took her picture off the website for their P.D and made a flier up that says something like "My name is _________. I sleep with married officers in this department that prides itself on family first and I don't care.
    I planned on planting those puppies EVERYWHERE! Sending them to every e-mail of every employee in the department, the mayor, the city council, under windshield wipers of cars in their parking lot, tape them to telephone polls in her neighborhood etc.

    I know it wouldn't dissolve DH of his actions, and I'm dealing with that, but I don't think she should get off scott free either. She DID know he was married because we've met.
    5150mama

    Comment by 5150mama (original poster) at 3:23 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • Oh, now I see your profile name, should of paid more attention. Is she a police officer too? Whether or not she does work for the department correct? If she does and she did this knowingly then you can get her in trouble for this, I am sure.

    I am married to an LAPD officer so I know what you are going through....Being married to a cop isn't easy and with this it just makes it ten times harder.

    Now I change my comment to yes do what you have to. The "home wrecker" needs to know how you feel and get a piece of your mind...LOL!
    Congenial

    Answer by Congenial at 3:57 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • She is not an officer, but more of an Admin. to the LT, who is female.

    What sickens me is that the entire department knows my business and that he was living with her. I can never show my face to any of his co-workers again, or attend a holiday party, etc.

    I KNOW I deserve better and should leave him, but there are a lot of other issues at stake here. My 17 yr old special needs, adopted son with my first husband has lost so much already. My first husband passed away 7 years ago and his family has since completely abandoned my son. I've seen how our separation has affected him and I just think he needs his dad.

    I DO love my husband, and I KNOW he loves me. I know you are all thinking "how could he do this to someone he loves?", and I've said the same.

    I also know I will NEVER be able to completely trust him, and that worries me. I don't want to live my life having to check on him constantly.

    HELP!!!!!!
    5150mama

    Comment by 5150mama (original poster) at 4:05 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • Oh, wow the whole department knows. Then it maybe best to not make yourself look bad by doing anything to her or even him since everyone knows. People will look more highly upon you if you stand strong in this whole thing.

    Congenial

    Answer by Congenial at 4:29 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • I wish I could truly help you but I will let you know I know what you are going thru from personal experience. You may never ever be able to trust him completely because he has betrayed you time and time again and lied to your face over and over. You have to decide what is best for you and your family. If he wants you then he will have to know that you may never trust him again and that you will always be checking up on him. He will pay for this for the rest of his life for this stupid mistake.You will fight over this for years and years whether you take him back or not. And so will you because after this it will be very hard to trust anyone.
    Congenial

    Answer by Congenial at 4:52 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

  • I agree, you need to be strong and Not confront her. In the long run it will pay off that you kept your mouth shut. I know, because it
    happened to me. My ex cheated on me and lied about it saying that was the first and only time and it wouldn't happen again. Well,
    because I was young and "in love", I wanted to believe him so I stayed. Unfortunately, the person he cheated with was a family
    member and I had to be around her. It's really complicated because I was so ashamed I didn't want anyone to know so I didn't tell
    anyone. It looked like I was the one with problems. Well, anyway, I went through years of wondering, suspicion, not trusting, with good
    reason. They continued the affair and I actually caught them in the act. What I'm getting at is this. Even if you stay because of your son/finances, etc., you'll ALWAYS be suspicious and on edge, waiting, watching. Trust me, it's not worth the emotional toll.
    JeannieBee

    Answer by JeannieBee at 4:57 AM on Feb. 19, 2011

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