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Single moms of children with absent fathers. need advice...

so the biological father of my 18 month old twins has never made any effort to know my kids or anything of that nature.
he has another son who is about to turn 2. yeah theyre 6 months apart.
well, the mother of his first son has spoke to his mom about her son. idk if theyve ever met yet but she invited the grandmother to his birthday party.
i have never contacted her about my boys because i'm scared. I've been dealing with so much the last two years that its not been my biggest priority you know.
i UNDERSTAND she has a right to know. if my brothers wife had never told my family about my nephew when she got pregnant we would be heart broken.
i guess i just need someone i can relate to, whose been in a situation simliar to mine.
friends keep telling me things like "she deserves to know"
and all that but its just hard to have a conversation with someone about something they've never known, emotions theyve never felt, fears theyve never had.

 
ElsaSalsaaa

Asked by ElsaSalsaaa at 12:32 AM on Feb. 20, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 20 (9,139 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Did you ever meet her? If so, whats she like? If she's a loving woman and you feel your children would benefit from knowing her and having her in their lives then, you should tell her.

    I am not a single mother with an absentee father, but my mom was one and my father has never had anything to do with me by his own choice. His family has nothing to do with me, by their choice. But my mom gave them that choice. Had she never given them that choice, nothing would've been any different obviously, but had they wanted to be in my life and she hadn't let them, I probably would've held some resentment at my age now.

    In the end, it is about your children and their best interest.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 12:49 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • Honey your relationship, if any, should be with the father of your twins. Then, by extension, HIS family. The fact that there is an absentee father in the picture tell me that you get to make the final choice. If you don't want to tell her about MORE kids that her son has and didn't tell her about then don't.

    If it makes you uncomfortable at all, for any reason, don't do it!
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:39 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • Do what you feel is right I am in a simlilar situation and once I opened the gate to let his family become involved if they choose too i felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders just because the dad is a total douche bag doesnt mean his famliy will be the same way I cant tell you waht to do do or how to feel just do what you feel is right
    ExtremlyUnique

    Answer by ExtremlyUnique at 12:47 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • The father of my son is not involved with him. I've maintained a relationship with his mother though, because she wanted to be involved. She's a wonderful grandma to him and loves him so much, why should I keep someone who loves my son away from him? He deserves to have those people around, and eventually maybe she can help me answer the questions about why his dad is such a deadbeat. Don't punish the grandma for the dad being such a douche.
    EverydayMomma

    Answer by EverydayMomma at 1:00 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • i just dont want to keep her away from them and them away from her or anyone else that has a good heart, just because I'm uncomfortable with him. cause its not about me really. i mean, when it comes down to it, its whats best for THEM. i just idk if I'm making the right choice by talking to her or not talking to her. idk who to talk to about this. I really have no one to go to. i just idk what to do.
    ElsaSalsaaa

    Comment by ElsaSalsaaa (original poster) at 12:41 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • It's HIS job to tell his family not yours. One of my friends went through this same situation. The guy disappeared and wanted nothing to do with the child. She took it upon herself to tell his mom (the grandma) about the baby. It ended up backfiring. Grandma was so pissed he was not taking responsibility that she funded a lawyer and pushed her son to seek FULL CUSTODY. They have been in and out of court for FIVE years. Doesn't seem worth it to me. Something simular happened to me. I would say count your blessings. It's HIS fault his family is not involved not yours.
    hotrodlassie

    Answer by hotrodlassie at 12:51 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • Do what you think is best for your children and what they need and want. Let go of the fear and try, all you can do. You need to relax and make a calm decision in this manner and you decide what is best because you are the parent. Maybe she knows maybe she don't. It's worrying you already so I would make an attemp to contact her. Wish you the best of luck.
    ConnectHearts

    Answer by ConnectHearts at 7:34 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • I think that the previous posters are right. It is the father right to invovle himself with your children and then through him his family can get invovled. On the other habd though if you know that his mother would like to invovled I don't see any harm in inviting her to a birthday party!
    Sweetmami07

    Answer by Sweetmami07 at 7:35 AM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • I was sort of in that situation. He basically did not want his family to know I was pregnant. He told his mom of me and that he was in love and that we plan to be married. She told him to let me finish school and pleaded not to get me pregnant. So when I got pregnant he didnt really tell her or his family. Further down the line she became aware of my pregnancy but we never spoke and after I gave birth I called her house and told her. Telling her was one of the best things I have done because she is an excellent grandmother and loves my daughter and is very much a part of her life.

    my advice to you is to reach out to the mother. It is his responsibility to do so but if he is not then you should be able to do it because it may be the best thing that you can do for your children. If the father doesnt know want to be apart of their lives maybe the grandmother will fill in some of that void that your babies have.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:18 AM on Feb. 20, 2011