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Anyone Understand....Help Please

Does anyone understand the randomness of Panic Attacks/Anxiety disorder or Severe Pain??!
My SO certainly doesn't....and it depresses me further, really bad.
He'll say things to me (during a really BAD Panic Attack..."what is WRONG with YOU?" and "SNAP OUT-Of-IT?!". (This is the kind of P.A that has me thinking there are people in my my abusive ex-husband.)
Doesn't he think I would if I actually COULD?? He doesn't like it when I take my Clonzpam and I understand that I do kind of lose track of time when I'm under the influence of the med but it's not like I'm going anywhere in That condition.
I'm on SSI/DI for my Severe Scoliosis and all the other sh*t wrong with me and most of my days are just chalk-full of sitting in this trailer trying to be as productive as I can.
I'm not yet (fortunately) in a wheel-chair but I can see that in my future, if I don't subcomb to having the risky surgery that the doctors are pushing me to have. But I still can walk and have mildly good days so I don't want to push-my-luck and risk having the surgery that would only give me a 50% chance of a better (more productive) life.
I run multiple online shops to help me feel better about I don't feel like a complete waste of humanity. I feel at times like what am I really teaching my sit and let some illness drag you down to the depthes of dispair?? But most days and nights I feel at the mercy of dispair.
The Panic Attacks/Anxiety are constantly eating away at me and the social axiety-agrophobia is just driving me mad since I moved.
And the total irony is being that I moved to a smaller town! But I know about 3 people here and even if I did know more, I have a really, really hard time convincing myself to leave my little home and venture 3 doors down to the bar to meet people. The odd thing is...I Actually get excited to go to the little parties that the bar owner holds (like the St.Patty's Day one coming-up) but than it's all I can do to MAKE myself go. When I do get there I feel like a fish out of water and (I know I'm NOT supposed to but I have a few drinks) I try and loosen-up.

I don't want my guy to leave me...I know he thinks I'm weird or imagining there's people in our home and last night during a bad PA I tried to climb-out our bedroom to escape! I can't explain the fear or why I see things that arn't there or why I can so clearly see the images in my mind...they FEEL so REAL at the time! When I "come to" I feel so stupid and foolish...but the trembling stays with me for awhile. He thinks my need for the Clonzapam is just a way for me to "zone-out" when I'm depressed but sometimes I can tell when an attack is coming can my dog if it's going to be a REAL bad one!

The terrible, sad thing is that my SO tries to console(?) me with sex...but he's NOT the most gentle man on earth, he likes to play rough and that can bring on MORE PA's...since I had been raped when I was 18 (at a hotel and then again when I stupidly sought protection by being involved in a gang) AND again later on by my ex-husband, that's how my beautiful son came into this world.

I don't know how to fully explain to ANYONE what this fear is like or why it comes on when it does...or why it can disappear for short bouts of time. The night terrors have gotten worse lately and it's driving me nuts. My OWN kid thinks I'm NUTS! That really hurts!!! I hate that BOTH of them call me "crazy lady". They joke about it and say they mean it only in fun...but I feel at times like I AM going crazy. My doctor increased my anti-depressants and I hope it works but the nearest therepist around these parts is over an hour away and I don't have my license...and I'm scared to drive around here anyways.

Please tell me does ANYONE else understand??!

Answer Question

Asked by Missikat75 at 3:37 PM on Feb. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,942 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • oh im so sorry!!! i have panic disorder also!!!! i think i might be bipolar too? so you are lucky you take clonopin, i dont take any meds and i should. lessen your dose of it, if it makes you loopy and i usualy only take it when my hear starts beating fast and i feel like im gonna cry and make a fool of myself.. i dont know why i am this way and it has affected my life since i was a teen. i dont like it but it reminds me to take life easy and slowly and stress free as much as i can. women tend to do too much because of of our big hearts, we always want to help. but meet your needs first. there is online counseling, and only psychiatrists, if that sounds like something you may want. i was in denial for the Longest time that i didnt need pills or counseling but now that im in therapy i feel so much better! so im not saying you need it, but i just know it helped me for the same problem we share. life is hard.

    Answer by Liz4Life at 3:49 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • Yes I understand. I am truly sorry that you are going through all these issues. I may have half the syptoms you have, the only difference is my husband is very understanding and my kids are too. Have you tried support groups on the net? I am almost sure that you can get therapy via internet but it might have to be a video conference type thing. If you like I can be a support person for you, God knows I need to be in a few groups. Hugs

    Answer by dubewife at 3:55 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • i would def go further with the procedure for your scoliosis because doctors are professionals, atleast more than most average individuals. i highly recommend doing everything you can to stay away from being in a wheelchair BECAUSE you want to be able to excersize still to lower your anxiety. u are not a crazy lady! we all have disabilities some way or another, and its good your looking at it straight in the face, trying to fix the problem. make a list of all the things that calms you because panic disorders are bad for our health! they humiliate, mislabel us and wreck our mind and bodies. you are not alone! i feel often i want to crawl out of my own skin, i shake, i scream, i cant breathe and so much more. anyway i went to the doctor for this when i was a kid and they told me i was an empath and that was my problem. empath, meaning i take others problems as my own, but now im just sympathetic. he said to breathe in a bag too

    Answer by Liz4Life at 3:56 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • I do understand not being understood.
    I am a recovering agoraphobic. It took me three years to get out of my comfort zone and I've managed to stay out for more than two years. I can't count how many times some idiot said "Why don't you just GO OUT? Why can't you just man up and do whatever? If you really wanted to, you could just fix this."

    Yeah, right. Like I enjoyed having panic attacks in public places. Like I relished hearing the blood rushing in my ears as I tried to navigate through Wal-Mart. Like I got some kind of perverse pleasure out of smelling my musty stale bedroom day after day after day.

    The best advice I can give you is to get your significant other to attend a few counseling sessions with you to learn support techniques that he can use to help you during a panic attack. Men wnt to feel like they're useful in general, your SO's negativity towards your situation may stem from frustration.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 4:14 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • The problem of the surgery is that there is also a legal battle going on over the "screws" they use during the surgery too. They've been breaking apart inside of people and causing poralisis. Not to mention that I don't have a good support system for people helping me. I didn't even before I moved and I seem to have less of one now. The surgery would have me incapacitated for over 4 months (conservatively speaking) and if you ever have dealt with a rambunctous teenager you know that that would be the time he would take full advantage of me.
    I've been in a wheel-chair before for when I had my herniated discs operated on (my L-4 and L-5) and it was not fun.
    And WOW what sterotypes people give others in wheel chairs. I actually had a woman practically screaming in my ear if I needed help finding my way in the hospital!
    I was like, "Ma'am, I am in a wheel chair, I am NOT deaf,


    Comment by Missikat75 (original poster) at 4:20 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • Does state-aid provide for online therepy though??
    Could anyone on here be a "friend/counselor"???

    Comment by Missikat75 (original poster) at 4:23 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • It sounds like you are having dissociative episodes with your pa's. Are you on a SSRI? I find it helps me a lot, because I see things out of the corner of my bugs...the meds help. Also I take Xanax XR- and it's not debilitating in the way clon. can be. It's also good because it's XR- you really don't get high off of it- it just takes the edge off the panic. and it's not as addicting in the XR form.

    As far as the agoraphobia goes, there are some therapists who will come to your house if you really can't get out. But it's hard to find one. There are a lot of online support groups for people with agoraphobia.

    As far as your husband goes- he's being abusive to you and not being supportive at all. Perhaps he needs education on what PD is, or he needs to get out b/c he is only making it worse for you.

    Answer by Saya at 7:10 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

  • im sorry your going threw this i hope everything works out for you mama

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 8:14 PM on Feb. 20, 2011

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