Does anyone understand the randomness of Panic Attacks/Anxiety disorder or Severe Pain??!
My SO certainly doesn't....and it depresses me further, really bad.
He'll say things to me (during a really BAD Panic Attack..."what is WRONG with YOU?" and "SNAP OUT-Of-IT?!". (This is the kind of P.A that has me thinking there are people in my home...like my abusive ex-husband.)
Doesn't he think I would if I actually COULD?? He doesn't like it when I take my Clonzpam and I understand that I do kind of lose track of time when I'm under the influence of the med but it's not like I'm going anywhere in That condition.
I'm on SSI/DI for my Severe Scoliosis and all the other sh*t wrong with me and most of my days are just chalk-full of sitting in this trailer trying to be as productive as I can.
I'm not yet (fortunately) in a wheel-chair but I can see that in my future, if I don't subcomb to having the risky surgery that the doctors are pushing me to have. But I still can walk and have mildly good days so I don't want to push-my-luck and risk having the surgery that would only give me a 50% chance of a better (more productive) life.
I run multiple online shops to help me feel better about myself...so I don't feel like a complete waste of humanity. I feel at times like what am I really teaching my son....to sit and let some illness drag you down to the depthes of dispair?? But most days and nights I feel at the mercy of dispair.
The Panic Attacks/Anxiety are constantly eating away at me and the social axiety-agrophobia is just driving me mad since I moved.
And the total irony is being that I moved to a smaller town! But I know about 3 people here and even if I did know more, I have a really, really hard time convincing myself to leave my little home and venture 3 doors down to the bar to meet people. The odd thing is...I Actually get excited to go to the little parties that the bar owner holds (like the St.Patty's Day one coming-up) but than it's all I can do to MAKE myself go. When I do get there I feel like a fish out of water and (I know I'm NOT supposed to but I have a few drinks) I try and loosen-up.
I don't want my guy to leave me...I know he thinks I'm weird or psycho...me imagining there's people in our home and last night during a bad PA I tried to climb-out our bedroom to escape! I can't explain the fear or why I see things that arn't there or why I can so clearly see the images in my mind...they FEEL so REAL at the time! When I "come to" I feel so stupid and foolish...but the trembling stays with me for awhile. He thinks my need for the Clonzapam is just a way for me to "zone-out" when I'm depressed but sometimes I can tell when an attack is coming on...so can my dog if it's going to be a REAL bad one!
The terrible, sad thing is that my SO tries to console(?) me with sex...but he's NOT the most gentle man on earth, he likes to play rough and that can bring on MORE PA's...since I had been raped when I was 18 (at a hotel and then again when I stupidly sought protection by being involved in a gang) AND again later on by my ex-husband, that's how my beautiful son came into this world.
I don't know how to fully explain to ANYONE what this fear is like or why it comes on when it does...or why it can disappear for short bouts of time. The night terrors have gotten worse lately and it's driving me nuts. My OWN kid thinks I'm NUTS! That really hurts!!! I hate that BOTH of them call me "crazy lady". They joke about it and say they mean it only in fun...but I feel at times like I AM going crazy. My doctor increased my anti-depressants and I hope it works but the nearest therepist around these parts is over an hour away and I don't have my license...and I'm scared to drive around here anyways.
Please tell me does ANYONE else understand??!
Answer by Liz4Life at 3:49 PM on Feb. 20, 2011
Answer by dubewife at 3:55 PM on Feb. 20, 2011
Answer by Liz4Life at 3:56 PM on Feb. 20, 2011
Answer by Fistandantalus at 4:14 PM on Feb. 20, 2011
Answer by Saya at 7:10 PM on Feb. 20, 2011
Answer by Ricanmami1 at 8:14 PM on Feb. 20, 2011