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How can I help my 12 year reconnect with me and learn to love her new stepdad?

My 12 year oldand I have parted since I married in May. She tells me repeatedly she hates him, wishes I never married him and says I became mean when we married. I am so hurt by her words but want her to love him the way he loves her and her sisters. he is not perfect but has no children of his own and is trying so hard. How can I reconnect with her so that she is open to him?? Help!!!

 
momof3girls145

Asked by momof3girls145 at 9:31 AM on Feb. 21, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 1 (3 Credits)
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Answers (9)
  • I agree don't push the relationship but take her out one day just you and her and casually ask her why she hates him and why she thinks you have become mean since you married him. Ask her what you and your husband can do to make it easier for her to adjust. It is difficult for children when the parents remarry you just have to remember shes your child she loves you and you love her and maybe she just needs to be reminded of that. GL
    aheuszel

    Answer by aheuszel at 9:49 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • You cannot push a relationship between them!.... the more you push the more she will resist. Work on your relationship with her just you and her, not him, then after a few months when you guys are doing good start to slowly incorporate him in the things you do together. what your looking to do has to happen slowly and has to happen naturally between them. pushing them to do things and talk nice to each other will not help. and you may have to come to terms that she may never love him...she may come to respect him or become indifferent to him.
    Finkette

    Answer by Finkette at 9:38 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • You can not make her love him.
    hotrodlassie

    Answer by hotrodlassie at 9:47 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • You can't make her love him she has to accept him on her own. And with her being 12 im sure thats not easy on her ither i was much older then that when my mom got married for the 3rd time to my 2nd step dad and he changed her for the worst and we are no longer close just spend time with her and let her know she is still number one but you can't make her love him or like her that is her choice it may just take her a while
    Tarrahs2011

    Answer by Tarrahs2011 at 12:23 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Spend some time with her alone and find out what she means. How have you become meaner? Why does she hate him? Keep calm during the talk and let her vent. Some just don't want the daddy roll to be replaced. How did she feel about him before the marriage? Message me if you need to.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 12:26 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • You can't force her to love him. The love will come in time. Maybe her new stepdad can spend some time with her, just the two of them. Maybe have a "date". Go out to dinner, go shopping, do something that she likes to do.
    Bethsunshine

    Answer by Bethsunshine at 12:29 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • DO not use the spoiling tactic. When my mom re-married, my brother 8yr and I 13 yr absolutely hated him, made his life hell. We wouldn't listen, or just flat out ignoring him. It took quite awhile for us too warm up too him about a yr or so. He did try to "buy" us. We weren't buying it. The only thing we did notice was the way he made our mom happy, happier then she had been in a long time. That what I suggest. Include her in the outings, like dinner, shopping what ever, and if she is being stubborn, or feeling sorry for herself and says "no!" shrug your shoulders and simply say "ok, see ya later" and walk out. Don't beg her cause that what she wants I guarantee it, cause thats what I wanted. I wanted mom to feel guilty, then I would get my way. Showing her this side will piss her off big time, throw the tantum the works, she will say I hate u,
    then u say in the calmest voice possible "well I love u anyway" It
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 1:13 AM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • If you use the spoiling tactic, she will only want him when she wants something and that's not being fair to him...the best way to deal with her is to spend time with her and find out whats bothering her. In some cases, it takes awhile for a child to warm up to a new spouse but its up to the parent to help the child work out the differences so bigger problems will not occur.
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 3:49 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I may get voted down with this,

    But the best way he can begin to win her over, is spoiling her. Most step dads walk into a these situations as the "enforcer" her's the new man in the house, he has different rules that they need to learn to abide by. And at 12, all this probably seems very annoying to her. 12 year old's are shallow, whether we want to admit it or not. They want stuff, they want to be cool, they want to have the latest everything. If your DH would take some time to spoil her, she might crack open the door to her heart a little. Girls love STUFF & they love FREE stuff. Have him buy her some clothes, or take her to 6 flags, or do something where he can show her that he wants to do nice things for her.

    Most people won't agree with my spoiling tactic, but i can guarantee that it will work for a 12 year old girl. If he spoils her rotten, i can betcha she will begin to like him.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:56 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

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