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4 Bumps

Please tell me this won't happen again!

I was married for 9 years before my (ex) husband came out and told me he was gay.

I am starting to date again and the first thing I think to myself is "Is he gay" I hate that this experience has tainted my future dating.

Right now, I' am very interested in a guy that is 37 and never been married and I keep thinking to myself...He's 37 and never been married..."I bet he's gay" And this isn't something I think about once and that's's affecting how I talk to these men. Nothing about him seems gay at all, but do you see what I'm talking about? I am really in need of some honest, re-assuring words...PLEASE and THANK YOU!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:29 AM on Feb. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • It might happen again. It might not.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:32 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Chances are slim. But? You are going to have to do your own investigation on this one.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 10:32 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • This also happened t one of my best friends. and its really hard to get over. She did go to couseling because she felt it was her fault. Have you ever done that? it might help with the insecurities you have. I would probally feel the same way though.

    Answer by jenn4443 at 10:35 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • One of my best friends was married to a man for over 17 yrs and had 3 sons with him and found out he was cheating on her with a man and was gay. She totally lost it, and I dont think shes recovered even still. Last I heard she was wanted lol (no kidding). That being said I think you have taken it very well. Its completely normal to ask yourself this because you were duped by a liar who did not want to come out and tell the truth about himself. I would come out and ask the guy (or guys) and explain why you are asking.

    Answer by gemgem at 10:37 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I had a few bfs in high school turn out to be gay, I think it was because I was esp tolerant and compassionate and while a bit frustrating I took at as a compliment in some respects but yes it caused anxiety.

    The 37 year old could just be very picky about the right woman to settle with, enjoyed bachelor life, was focused on a career or had other high stress stuff going or simply shied away from marriage from his parents divorce or even a bad break up of his own. Also he could have been in serial relationships. We all know women who are still single but want to be married if Mr Right came along and we dont worry about them being gay.

    It probably wont happen again and I think for me a lot of it was the tender age of high school coupled with coming out 20 years ago not being as accepted or supported as it is today. I really would consider it a props to you that something about your personality attracted him to you despite it.

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 10:40 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • This happened to my mom. My dad turned out to be gay. That was a long time ago when guys felt they needed to hide it but it just seems to me that men are more open about it now. I've been surprised at how many claim to be "bi-curious". When the "bi" part lasts for years I would think they would realize the "curious" part is over! I'm not sure how you get over something like what you experienced. My mom never got over it. She used men after that but never trusted them. Maybe that's why I'm eager to ask questions. Yes I'd ask him if he had any same sex experiences in his life and I'd ask him if so, how did he feel about it? You learn a lot through simple questions.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:46 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • It's a perfectly normal and honest reaction considering what you've experienced. I would come right out and ask him if you're dating him or thinking about getting seriously involved with him and vice versa. It 's good to start any relationship on an honest note about feelings, expectations, and such. I don't think anyone could predict if the outcome will be the same or not. Only you can decide if you want to take that chance. Try to be open-minded, yet a little cautious, so you're not hurt again. Counseling could only help and put things into perspective for you. That should be your next step. Good luck!

    Answer by rosiemendo at 10:49 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I've heard this is a common fear in your situation.

    maybe if you just took things slow, looked at dating as your spending time with people you like and just expect that for now.
    maybe you just need a little more time.

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 11:45 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • You know back in the day, men were still in the closet per say and didn't want anyone to know they were gay of fear of being frowned on so that is probably why he never came out and now days everyone is out male and female actors and non.
    Don't base your feeling for this new guy to what you went through with your Ex. I know alot of men and dated men that never married and that was just a choice for them it didn't mean he was gay. Before I got Married i was dating a man 52 who never got married and is still single til this day and he was not live your life for this relationship and don't read to much into WHY he's single but concentrate on him as a person and the good....

    Answer by dusty1962 at 11:55 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • When you make love to him, try to touch his G spot, i.e. check how he responds to anal touching.
    If he's gay, he'll like it a lot ! Also, if he's too neat, i.e. trims and polishes his nails (sorry, this is personal experience!), go away.

    My ex Manager was gay, and he'd notice our change in haircolours, he knew/ could tell what perfume we 'd wear !
    Gay men may seek extremely attractive women as a means to attract their male partners.


    Answer by lillyblue111 at 12:05 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

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