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3 Bumps

His family and me. Help !

My husband kept our relationship secret from his family for 2 years.
He told them about me after our marriage. He was a bachelor all his life,
i.e. he's 55, and devoted ALL his love and affection to his family, especially
mother and niece.

His house was full of objects, dozens of cards and HUNDREDS of pictures of his family,
esp. his mother and niece. The walls of his house have sketches from his niece, with notes like "Sharon's room", "Sharon's house", "Sharon's bed", etc.
The ornaments in his house have sticker notes (underneath), with his mom's notes and signature: "From Mom to X, for you to iron your clothes". "From Mom, for your laundry", "For your breakfast, from Mom".


I liked the fact that he's a family man, and was hoping to become a part of his loving family. However, his family did not welcome me: because of me he stopped visiting them 4 states away every other weekend, and stopped devoting ALL his free time and resources for their wellbeing.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF HE'D REFUSE TO PLACE YOUR PICTURE (JUST ONE !!!) IN HIS HOUSE, A PLACE WHERE THE WALLS ARE FULL OF HIS FAMILY PICTURES IN LARGE, POSTER SIZE ?

He didn't want us to have KIDS, cause ....
"I LOVE MY NIECE SO MUCH, I THOUGHT I'M TOO OLD TO HAVE KIDS AND SHE WAS MY KID".

As a newlywed, his neighbours would tell me: "Thank God, now he's gonna have a LIFE !" "He adores his niece: He'd do anything for her, he admires her as if she's God."

And I know, he'd take her to trips and entertainment places. He talks to her on the phone with such admiration for her appearance and teenage growth, and it's ok,

BUT . . . I wish he could also admire ME this way.
* * *
I don't mind him loving his family, but as time goes by, I get his practical side
"I'm a practical person", but his family gets his heart. Mention his mom's or siblings' or niece's names, and you'll see tears and ultimate affection in his eyes.

Our love was strong and passionate, but I can't be happy as a newlywed, cause I see he does not treat me like he treats THEM.

IF I GET PREGNANT, WILL HE LOVE HIS OWN CHILD AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIS NIECE?
His brother (father of his niece), leaves his wife EVERY WEEKEND: He takes his daughter and they go to grandmom, two states away ! His wife's pictures or presence is very rare: her face is in only one out of the dozens / hundreds of pictures in our house.

I can't find a solution, please, HELP !



Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:43 AM on Feb. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • I guess I would just ask him why he doesnt want to put up your picture first of all. I wouldnt try to get pregnant until I had a good answer and knew that I was part of HIS family (not his mom, not his brother, or any of them, just HIS what he sees as HIS family). If they like or dont like you doesnt matter. I also have to wonder why he kept you a secret? Have you asked?
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 11:46 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I would talk with him about this. Not accusatory, maybe in bed or over a breakfast out casually. He was likely just substituting extended family for a family of his own because he dindnt hae one
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 11:46 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I'm sorry, but WHY were you a secret?

    To answer part of your question, I would think he would truly, truly adore any child of his own!
    misses_nick

    Answer by misses_nick at 11:46 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • hate to sound mean, but if you knew this was the situation before you got married, and that he was keeping you a secret from his family, then this is what you bargained for.

    sounds like he's pretty well set in his ways and he may not change. I can understand you feeling sad about it, maybe the two of you should get some counseling sessions.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 11:59 AM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • How could you let anyone keep you a secret for that length of time? I am confused at what excuses he is giving everyone. Is it possible he doesn't think things will work out with the two of you or he is ashamed of you? Is it possible he is married to someone else and has a double life? Seriously how can you be in a relationship like this? Did you ask if he has plans to introduce you to them? I can't imagine planning a future with someone that doesn't think I am worthy? Why would you put up with this?
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 12:02 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Yes, go to counseling with him. It is important that you know what this relationship will be before you get pregnant. Sometimes, the family ties don't weaken, and you might always the the newcomer and somewhat-outsider. It is important for you to know if this will always be the case.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:05 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Thank you ladies, it feels better to know that it's ok to feel kind of an outsider.
    He doesn't have a prior marriage or double life, but his mom asked me SO MANY QUESTIONS, that our first visit to her as newlyweds was an INTERROGATION SESSION.
    Of course my hb and I slept in SEPARATE BEDS, SEPARATE FLOORS, and in these 4 days he didn't even touch my hand out of respect for Mom !
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:32 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • He sounds shy, its sorta sweet!
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 12:34 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • counseling.
    Also, enoucrage him to invite his neice for a weekend/week in the summer. Express how much you'd like to get to know her too. ask him about what she likes, find things out shoppping that match this. really take an interrest in her.
    And then go to the library and find a stepmom book. The situation sounds very similar to a father doting on his daughter. And you are the new woman in his life who suddenly has to find a place in his home and life.
    pioneergirl10

    Answer by pioneergirl10 at 1:56 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

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