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4 Bumps

For those who are divorced: in your experience is it best to split while the kids are younger rather than older or to wait until they have moved on?

my fear is that my young kids (all under 5) are learning negative habits and lack of respect towards me since my husband expects me to do everything and disrespects and yells at me in front of them. it seems they would be brought up more positively if we were raising them separately

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:22 PM on Feb. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I'm from divorced parents and IMHO it's more tramatic to be in an unhappy household.
    Cindy18

    Answer by Cindy18 at 2:36 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Your fear is right.... I should have divorced when my kids were small ... but as it were, I found myself in the middle of an ugly divorce when my sons were 14 & 16, by that age, trust me, I did have to put up with and put a stop to (and fight for myself) against my own teenage sons and the way they learned to treat me (by watching how their dad treated me). To them it was acceptable to hurt my feelings, be rude, disrespectful, etc and THEN turn around and get mad at me for daring to call them on their actions.
    It was all a helluva thing that I didn't necessarily have to go through HAD I followed my heart and my intelligence and divorced him BEFORE my sons learned to treat women like their dad did.
    To this day, my sons still have problems with relationships that they may not otherwise have to have if they hadn't learned the things they learned ~ make sense? I SOO regret not divorcing him sooner. Don't do like me.
    ShelbyShareAlot

    Answer by ShelbyShareAlot at 2:47 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Not to mention... IF YOU STAY... what your little girls are learning is this "It is okay for men to yell at me, belittle me, devalue my worth, hurt my heart, break their word of honor, make me cry, dump on me and treat me like I'm less than deserving of love" and they learn it FROM YOU because you rewarded a man for treating you like that (By staying with him and NOT kicking him to the curb and re-claiming your self-worth and your own life)

    You're a smart woman - don't do a stupid thing. And my final word is this..... You'll leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving.
    ShelbyShareAlot

    Answer by ShelbyShareAlot at 2:57 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Both have their downfalls however because of the environment it would be best for your children for you to not be with your husband now; rather than continue to raise them with all that drama in the house. My kids were 3 months old, and 2 years old when my ex left. They're actually happy except my now 6 year old will occasionally ask why me and her dad can't be together (she hates having to go back and forth between us) but both me and her dad explained to her that when we spend too much time together all we do is fight. On the other hand my aunt and uncle recently filed for divorce, my aunt told me they hadn't been happy for years but were able to be civil and at most times even friendly around the kids but now their kids are all out of the house and my uncle started cheating so they decided it was time.
    momof2inCT2007

    Answer by momof2inCT2007 at 4:03 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • yeah, i have all boys and they are very sweet, but lately i've noticed some "daddyisms" coming out... as well as some choice language immediately after he's decided to scream and curse at all of us because of his random foul mood. sigh.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:04 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • My parents divorced when I was almost 30. I divorced this past year and my son is 5. I think it's best when younger, but that's just my situation. My parents - no one saw it coming...no one. With my marriage, my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to our son and he was picking up his dad's temperment and behaviors and I needed to have it stopped. Because he couldn't get me back, he decided to finally be calmer and do better and has a better relationship with our son since the divorce. I'm glad for that. But I still don't respect what he did at all.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 4:19 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • As the daughter of parents who divorced later in life ( I was 18, my brother was 16) I think it might actually have been better if they had split when we were younger. As it is, I hardly know my parents anymore. My dad got remarried and focused all his energy on his step son, seeming to forget that he still had a son who very much needed his father. I moved out when they sold the house in the divorce settlement, and it was tough trying to become an adult while watching the two adults I most respected act like children. My mom has changed a lot, she had to find herself again after the divorce and I think I would have adapted better to her changing if I had been younger. The environment at home when we were kids was far from hostile, but it was very....contrived...."we're a happy family and we will do what happy families are supposed to do"...it wasn't bad...just stale.
    Neelah

    Answer by Neelah at 4:20 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • my parents waited until I was about 23 when they finally divorced.
    I think it would have been much better if they had done it when I was young.

    but to hear my mother tell it you'd think we were the cleavers.
    she has it in her head that we took loving family vacations and ate dinner together every night.

    Lets just say a lot of those vacations where a complete nightmare, and as for having dinner together every night,
    we had dinner from time to time, but at one point she went nearly 2 years without cooking a meal.

    This is why my baby brother and I are such good cooks. He helped me with microwave recipes when he was 3.
    I think my sister survived on junk food and soy sauce saturated chex mix.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 7:09 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I regret with all my heart hurting our daughter due to our breakup.
    KarenT214

    Answer by KarenT214 at 7:28 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I think it's a tough choice no matter what. But think of what your kids are learning in the overall situation. Do you want them to think it's okay to treat a person that way? Do you want them to grow up with a lack of respect for you and treat you any kind of way? As teenagers it'll be rough for you. I personally left my ex when things got bad. It hurt my son, but he learned that it wasn't ok to be disrespectful and that a woman deserves better. His behavior improved once we were on our own.
    sistasunshine

    Answer by sistasunshine at 2:30 AM on Feb. 22, 2011

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