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Am I out of line?

My best friend has a slew of medical problems. She's got an illiostomy bag, has a very aggressive form of chrone's disease, can break ribs if she coughs too hard. It's a huge laundry list.Well for the past month or two she's been dealing/struggling with gall stones. Has painfully passed one, maybe to. Tomorrow she was going to have a high-risk surgery to remove her gall bladder. She found out last week that her surgery had been canceled because she had not called to confirm it. Well, to deal with everything she's crawled into a bottle.

I GET that her life is rough with all her medical problems, and I've been very supportive up until now. *I* have had some rotten experiences with drunks/alcoholics as a child and as an adult and DO NOT see how crawling into a bottle is going to solve/fix anything. And she KNOWS this about me.

Am I out of line for not wanting to support her or talk with her while she's drunk?

She has left a couple hurt/snide comments about how the only person who supports/cares is her husband and she's tired of being judged by everyone.

**Note, she's like the sister I never had otherwise. We tell people that she's the sister of my heart.

Update (3/3/11): Got a facebook message from her today basically telling me to go to hell. ItsMe89, you were right, it was the beginning of the end. I'm feeling rather low at the moment because I thought this was going to be a forever type friendship that would survive through anything. I was wrong. As soon as I told her/did something she didn't like she turned on me. Now it's also getting ugly. I'm trying to be the better person and not engage in the bitter, snide, bitchy comments but it's hard.

 
Rosehawk

Asked by Rosehawk at 10:27 PM on Feb. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Level 40 (116,044 Credits)
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Answers (13)
  • No you aren't. Its called Tough Love for a reason, its tough. Enabling her would not help her in the long run.
    You are doing the right thing!
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 10:30 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • It is fair for you to tell her that you love her, and you will be there to support her when she is showing you that she is working at it, too. That means, not killing herself with the bottle. Tell her is she calls you BEFORE she drinks, you can be there. But you can't sit by and watch her kill herself because you love her too much. Does she have AA friends?
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 10:35 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Maybe sitting down and talking to her... and letting her know that not only is it hurtful to you personally... But it can negatively effect her health.. And that's obviously something she doesn't need right now.. And if she can't crawl out of that bottle.. i would still be there for her.. but keep your distance.. I'm sure you love her very much and want to be there for her.. but you can't put yourself through mental/emotional stress like that. You can always be there for her! I agree that a true friend is there through thick and thin.. but sometimes a friend has to step back for their own sake.
    kaitilala

    Answer by kaitilala at 10:36 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • It is important to set boundries. State you case about how you feel about her drinking and if she is going to self destruct that you will not be a part of it. Tough Love. And when she is willing accept help be there for her. It is sad that with all her health problems she is adding this to it. Is her husband any help in this matter?
    Graciesmom528

    Answer by Graciesmom528 at 11:07 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • If she has as many health problems as you say she does, the last thing she needs is to be drinking. I would tell her that you will be there for her when she decides to do away with the alcohol. The alcohol isn't going to solve her health problems. If she is having surgery next week, she needs to come off of it now. If she's depressed, she should try some type of counseling and try to deal with it the best way she knows how. It sounds like her health problems will never go away, and she needs to find a way to get through this.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:53 AM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I think ii should be there for your fiend no mater what. Especially right now it's obvious she needs you now more than ever. A true fruend is there through thick and thin hands down.
    MomNbabyGirl009

    Answer by MomNbabyGirl009 at 10:31 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • I hear you but with any addiction the addict blames everyone but him/her self I did crawled into the bottle but I had a friend that pull me out of it by force, I'll be so thank full for that but you have your family to take care and not every addict will react the same way when though love is shown so if you think that she is not willing to anything for herself let her go its too hard to deal with someone like that.
    gou18

    Answer by gou18 at 10:36 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Ok question...is she always getting drunk like on a regular basis? Or is she just doing this now?
    MomNbabyGirl009

    Answer by MomNbabyGirl009 at 10:42 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • Supporting her in a time of need is not enabling her. Maybe she needs a friend to talk to. She has a LOT going on.You are judging her so her comments are not uncalled for. Until you walk in someone else's shoes, don't judge what they do or how they handle it. She may not be doing the "right" thing but it's her choice.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:48 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

  • First, my history with alcoholism: I was verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by me alcoholic father and his best friend, my uncle. My family tree has it's roots in a whiskey barrel. She has had some other bad things, health wise, happen in the past 12 months that I've been right by her side the whole time over. I've stood up for her and told people to go to hell and leave her alone.

    She (self admitted) has an addictive personality and before I met her had done every drug imaginable. THAT was before I met her and has little to no relevance to ME, NOW as it was in he past. That being said this is not an everyday thing it is her "escape" from dealing with her current medical problems.
    Rosehawk

    Comment by Rosehawk (original poster) at 11:09 PM on Feb. 21, 2011

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