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What would you do if your step-father touched you inappropriately? (TMI)

My step-father touched me inappropriately (under my shirt but over my bra, and in my pants but over my underwear) when I was 17. I am now 27. I have forgiven him. I was able to put that aside and look at all the good qualities that he has...he was a good dad. He just messed up. My husband respects my choice but he said that he couldn't forgive someone for doing something like that. I am wondering if you could forgive someone for this? I don't want to put a rift in the family and I do want a relationship with him because he is a good guy. He just unfortunately did this bad thing. What do you all think?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:04 AM on Nov. 19, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • It would take a very long time for me to forgive something like that. And regardless of if it was a "mistake" or not, how could a "good guy" do that to his step daughter?! I would re-evaluate how you perceive this. Also, consider this, you may not have been the first............or the last. I know you don't want to cause a "rift" in the family, and I have to wonder, is that the reason you haven't done anything about it?
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 11:07 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I've dealt with being touched inappropriately by a family member, I was 19 my cousin was 35! It was my now husband who convinced me to tell me parents, especially with three younger sisters who spent more time with my cousin then I ever had. My Dad tore into my cousin initially but within a week or two was telling me I just needed to forgive him and get over it, WHAT??? At that point I'd already backed down on the issue quite a bit, said that I didn't care if my cousin came over around the family as long as he stayed away from me, but it was still my problem that I wasn't getting over it in 2 weeks? It's only been 2 years, I'm ok with my cousin now, my pain is in how my parents handled the situation as it truly made me feel as if they valued my cousin far more than myself.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:09 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • In regards to TheDiva320: I don't know if I was the first or last, but I do know that he was sexually abused pretty bad by his brother. And I don't want to cause a rift in the family because we are all pretty close...we have family get togethers quite often. I have a little girl so I just accepted the fact that she will never be left alone with him ever.

    And to Anonymous: I told my mother after it happened and she partly blammed me which to this day still hurts. I confronted her about it about a year ago and she denies ever saying that. Because of that I don't think I have forgiven her yet. I seem to have forgiven him but not her...weird but I feel that my mother should have been there to protect me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:22 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • This is anonymous 11:09, I know how you feel. That's kind of where I'm at with how my Dad ended up handling things. My cousin had very true deep remorse, he apologized, he was upset by what he had done, I had pretty much "forgiven" him right away although the hurt took a little longer to subside. I just have such a hard time with how my Dad ended up handling things.... I'd gone out of my way so that the rest of the family could carry on like usual even if i was torn up and hurting over it all, and yet I was SO wrong for not being instantly over it after my cousin apologized =(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • To anoyymous 11:09: Yeah I guess that's why I was able to forgive him because he had such remorse for it and he took full blame. My mother though...she didn't handle it very well. I have a good relationship with her but for some reason I just haven't forgiven her. When I spoke about it to her about a year ago, not only did she not remember blaming me but she kind of made me feel guilty because she talked about how it put a rift in their marriage and that she will never be able to forgive him for it. I was just like "gee thanks mom".

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with a similar situation :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Fear over causing a family rift caused me to be molested when I was 11. My cousin's husband started with another female relative and because she never said anything, he moved on to me.

    I'm not saying that you should cause a ruckus, but once a molester, always a molester. Dh and you might talk to him alone, tell him that you have forgiven him but you will never forget...and that he needs to get counselling. Also that you will be keeping an eye on him around female family members...just in case he falls off the wagon.
    companygoddess

    Answer by companygoddess at 11:36 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Anonymous 11:09 again, I'm so sorry your Mom has made you feel like the guilty party in all this, that is totally messed up! If you'd like to talk sometime I'm dedicatedrider
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:37 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • To companygoddess: Thanks for the suggestion. I've always felt a little guilty for keeping quite about it for fear of ruining his reputation, but I've always been bothered about the fact of him doing it to someone else. He's been so open about it that I feel I could talk to him about it. Thanks :)

    To anonymous 11:09: Yeah I love my mother but I just don't know what her issue is! Thanks so much for the offer :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:53 AM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • This is such a tough situation to be in, and I feel for you. It's good that you are protecting your daughter. But just because your step-dad was abused in that way, doesn't mean he has to abuse. I really believe that that is just an excuse for him to do what he did and really not have to take responsibility. I admire your strength in forgiving him, it takes a lot to be able to do something like that. But just keep in mind, there usually isn't just one who is abused, just be aware of that. As far as your mom blaming you, I'm so sorry to hear that. Although it seems to be the general thing that happens..............even if it is wrong. You are a strong person.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 12:04 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I was sexually abused by my step-dad for several years. It started when I was about 8 or 9. It has caused major conflict between my mother and me. They are now divorced. I didn't tell my mom about it at the time. I was young and I didn't want to be the reason they got divorced. I finally told my mom when I was 18 and she didn't believe me. My step-dad finally confessed to my mom. At the time she stayed married to him and forgave him.

    slick05

    Answer by slick05 at 12:08 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

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