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2 Bumps

How can a man Love a woman but not be attracted to her?

I truly believe my husband loves me and is not attracted to me. I don't understand it, because I always believed that when you love someone, they were attractive to you. DH is kind, hardworking, protective, and very impacted by my happiness or unhappiness. But I can get naked in front of him and he won't notice, he rarely looks at me or touches me in a sensual way, and he doesn't seem to be very interested in sex. He's easily turned off by little things like my jaw clicking when I eat or bodily functions.

Believe me, we've talked about it, and sometimes he attempts to tell me I'm beautiful, but mostly he's just quiet or says he's sorry (or tells me what turns him off). I would consider myself a moderately attractive person, but I feel so ugly around him, and the growing baby belly doesn't help. :(

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Feb. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • It is probably just the hormones, honey. Seriously.

    He may have low testosterone or just not be that sexual. My husband is both. It drives me crazy.

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 12:20 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I know he has some emotional baggage and I think for many years he has denied his emotions and desires and just tried to work hard and survive.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:21 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • ~*Hugs*~... could be worse, sometimes peering into the backyards of others will make you thankful for what you have (metaphorically of course)... like my hubby can't keep his hands off me, so I enjoy when he goes to work, wished I had the drive to keep up with him, but thankful because I know that there are other women out there that would love to take him off my hands!

    Being pregnant does not help! *Hormones*... there will come a time when it all levels back out??? Maybe snag some really cute prego clothes, like the baby doll tops???

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 12:26 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Is this recent? Could it be he is scared of hurting your or the baby? If so, have him come with you to a prenatal appointment and ask your care provider if sex is safe.

    My husband is the same way. He's just not a very sexual person, and it's normal. Just like women, some men are not all that in to sex. It's not that there's anything wrong with either of you.

    If this has been going on for a long time, it could be the emotional stuff or it could be a physical problem. Talking to a therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction would be helpful.

    Don't stop talking and keep trying to find ways to make this work.

    You can PM me if you need to talk... I've been there!

    Answer by Ati_13 at 12:27 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Oh, Hugs!!! I feel that way sometimes, too. I have to remind myself that my husband and I are both aging. Hormones change . . . some men lose that drive to get sexual. . . and I am so busy that I sometimes forget to demonstrate the "interest" in him that would make him feel wanted.
    I do miss, though, the days when we first met, when he was soooooo excited just to hold my hand and kiss me.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:28 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • OP, I really think you've got something there when you speak of your husband denying his emotions in favor of working hard and surviving as being the stem of the problem. To answer your original question though, I do believe that a person can love another person and not have the capacity to express that love as sexual attraction. Not to say that doesn't suck for you, but I truly feel that it isn't your issue, it's his. Doesn't make him a bad person either, but it does qualify him as at least partially emotionally unavailable. I find it interesting that you've stated that he cares about your happiness and/or unhappiness, to me that speaks volumes about his ability to take this issue on and attempt personal growth in this area. My suggestion to you both would be some counseling, both seperately and together, so he can discover where he went off the track with the feeling part of himself and you can be a team here.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 12:33 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • He may be afraid of hurting you or the baby. He also may need to hear from you all the things that you admire about him. This would be especially true if he suffers from feelings of inadequacy from his past. I would also want to know if he has somehow come to think that he somehow does measure up to your expectations when it comes to the physical. Again, if he already has security and/or esteem issues, he is highly sensitive to any kind of negative vibes that he might get from you. Do you know what his love language is? And are you speaking it to him? Remember that the language of our spouses is usually opposite from our own, and it requires a lot of effort to speak it. If his happens to be words of affirmation, then he needs to hear lots of it in order to feel loved by you. If yours is touch and his is not, then you can see where you would have work to do in order to communicate love to one another. It's not hopeless!

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:34 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • It's not recent. I would mark the apparent fall in interest from our wedding night, 4 1/2 years ago. This is our second baby, and it's the same whether I'm pregnant or not.

    We've been through counseling, and I gave up because it was nothing but humiliation for him and did not draw us together at all. I've tried 3 counselors and I don't think any of them really knew how to approach him. I think a good male counselor might be better, but I'm just not up to starting all over again trying to find one and putting DH through the humiliation.

    If it only impacted us sexually, I think I could live with that because I don't have a huge drive myself. But there is a general casualness and impersonalness and lack of intimacy that leaves me feeling so isolated. We're good friends and talk about impersonal stuff all the time. I just long for him to look me in the face. I long to know I'm special to him.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:48 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • His love language is definitely acts of service, and I try, but as a housewife, acts of service are my life, and I always feel like I'm not quite doing good enough. My love languages are touch and affirmation, which I've given generously in the past, but confess I haven't much in the last year. It really hurts when it's not reciprocated or even received graciously.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:53 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

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