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4 Bumps

Ladies that have been in long-term marriges or relationships... adult content

Has your marriage/relationship ever gone through a rough patch, sexually? I love my husband more than anything, but I feel like we are more friends than lovers sometimes, and I hate that. We used to have so much passion for eachother, and I just don't know what happened. I guess after 10 years together, you kind of get into a rut, maybe? I'm hoping we can somehow fix this soon. I'm willing to try new things, but him.. no so much. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance! :)

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:27 PM on Feb. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (24)
  • I think its normal because we get so involved with the kids lives, work, and taking care of the house that we end up maybe at first too tired to do anything. After awhile it becomes routine. My best advice is to be willing to be the one who starts things. I will go out of my way and make sure no kids are home, and dress sexy and make him feel like he is #1 with no kids to distract us. Try and do that atleast a couple of times a month, and itll catch on!
    Other then that talk about it. Sex isnt a subject that is off limits in a relationship. If you want more, tell him.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:30 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Yes, we have had some rough patches. I wanted to go to counseling he did not. There is no need for it to be long term if you are both willing to get some advice. There are great books out there too. Go to a big book store and browse. Also, some of the best advice I ever heard was to always treat each other as if you were still dating. That often goes by the wayside. I wish you all the best
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 1:31 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Relationships go through cycles, hon. It's perfectly normal. Everyone gets in a rut or downturn sometimes. Talk to your SO and tell him how it's making you feel. Hope it gets better for you :)
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 1:32 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I have been married ten years and I feel very much the same as you do and agree wholeheartedly with the above answers. I see a therapist and it helps to have someone to talk to. Maybe it would help you, too.
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 1:36 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • one thing that helps me is keep in shape (not for him, but for me, because I will not feel sexy if I didn't). and indulge in some nice new lingerie for fun--that helps. One thing is, pretend you're not married..;) Text him out of the blue.."would you like to go on a date this (sat/fri), :) The secret to a happy relationship is the fall over and over again--with the same person. Also..give yourself a mini makeover..color your hair (not that you have to)..or buy some new makeup...try some good self tanner..anything to make you feel sexy...get a new perfume at Victoria's secret...the more eyecandy you start doing for yourself..the more he will notice..;) Again, tho, not about looks, but sometimes we need to FEEL a certain way in order to respond in a different way. If you always do what you've done, then you will always get what you've got. ;)
    psychicRaelene3

    Answer by psychicRaelene3 at 1:39 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • It's normal. I think any of us long-timers (19 years here), have that at times. The key is to spice things up. Take a weekend away. Do roll play, have your hubby pick you up at a bar....Lots of ways to spice things up to get out of that rutt.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 1:39 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • In a long realtionship I think it is normal to have ups and downs, especially sexually. At first things are so passionate and then you get into a groove, and then you can get into a rut. I think if you want to spice it up a bit you should go for it. Don't ask, just try something new. Your DH may think it sounds like an awful idea if you bring it up over dinner, but show up in the bedroom with a new attitude and he might rise to the challenge, so to speak. I think the most important thing is to keep trying, keep communicating, and reaching out to each other. Try to make it better but don't try to make it the way it used to be. You can't go back in time, you can only move forward. And the beginning is always fun, but it can also be awkward and nerve wracking, be appreciative of the comfort and stability that a long term love provides. Best of luck to you.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:39 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Oh my goodness yes. We've been married for 12 years, two kids and one on the way, and we've been through several "rough patches", in fact, we're sort of in one now, as I've been on pelvic rest for 7 months and my husband is not terribly communicative about his sexual needs. Since I still have two months to go until the bun is fully baked and out of the oven, we're kind of on hold in terms of dealing with things, but once we get past the six-week post-partum period, I anticipate having a few candid conversations about both of our needs and the fact that we're both somewhat emotionally unavailable. One thing I can suggest is always having a sense of humor about things and keeping communication friendly and open. You're actually fortunate that you've been married for a while, that gives you a lot to work with in terms of discussion.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 1:44 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Its a hard topic to open them up to,so write it down he has his list and you yours,its a fun way to open the subject up and also adds some spice to life.I had rather have a note from my husband than any diamond out there!! He writes them so darn good!!!
    grismelda

    Answer by grismelda at 1:51 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • 26 yrs.
    I think you guys need a date night, and to set some boundaries with your busy schedules. Fatigue is a big trouble maker in the sex department.
    If you wake up on Friday morning knowing you have a date night later that day, you'll think about it all day and look forward to it. Good sex starts in the mind for men and women. Loosen up your schedule and make time for sex.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 1:55 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

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