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What would you do if your step-father touched you inappropriately? (TMI)

My step-father touched me inappropriately (under my shirt but over my bra, and in my pants but over my underwear) when I was 17. I am now 27. I have forgiven him. I was able to put that aside and look at all the good qualities that he has...he was a good dad. He just messed up. My husband respects my choice but he said that he couldn't forgive someone for doing something like that. I am wondering if you could forgive someone for this? I don't want to put a rift in the family and I do want a relationship with him because he is a good guy. He just unfortunately did this bad thing. What do you all think?

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:27 AM on Nov. 19, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • uh.... I know that I would NEVER let my children be around him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I have very strong feelings about this b/c I used to work with sexually abused children. While he didn't have sex with you, what he did was sexual abuse. He is a grown adult and it was WRONG what he did. It not only should have broken the trust you had in him but he also betrayed your mother's trust - or it least it should have broken all her trust in him. Your a mother now. Think of it this way, what if your child's stepfather did that to her? Would you be able to continue to have a relationship with him? I'm sure that your stepdad is sorry. But not for the reasons you think he is. In my experience this is not a one time thing. It may have been once with you but it could have happend with other teens or children.

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:13 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • cont...Your husband also has the right to say that he would prefer, for the safety of his children, that his kids not be around him. Your stepdad has to live with the consequences of his actions even if that means it is ten years later. Unfortunately this also means it does impact your mother. That is unfortunate but your husband must be the adult and think about his children. The reality is you cannot guarantee that it won't happen again to someone else. You cannot. You may think so - but you can't. He may be the rare 1 in 10,000,000 that won't do it again. Are you willing to take that chance? Then there is the legal aspect. If he were to do it to your child - your children could be removed from you and your children by the state for failing to protect due to the fact you did know he has been sexually inappropriate in the past. I agree with your husband. You can forgive, you don't have to be dumb.

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:21 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • To frogdawg: My daughter (16 months) is around him but NEVER alone. And will NEVER be left alone with him. I have struggled with the idea that he might have done this before me or even after me. After the incident my mother told me to not mention it to my sister (his biological daughter). But now that she has kids and him and my mother babysit them...I just don't know what to do. My family is somewhat close and I don't want to cause a rift especially if he is the rare "1 in 10,000,000" and will never do it again. And I just don't know how my sister would react, but I also would feel so guilty if my not saying something caused him to do it again.

    My husband feels like he couldn't forgive for something like that but he respects my decision. He just wants to make sure she is NEVER left alone with him. Do you feel like it's "dumb" to have a relationship with him (honestly)?

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:40 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I think it is dumb that you are worried about causing a rift. (I am not trying to be mean). But HE is the one who screwed up the family, not you for ending the relationship. If it were me, I would not want my daughter to have a relationship with him, whether or not it is supervised.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • If this happened to me I would have let it be known. If he got away doing this to you he is definetley doing this to other young girls possibly even his grand children, and by you not saying anything these other children could be suffering.

    Answer by Heaven0802 at 1:16 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • If your mom knows of this & stayed with him, she is playing a part in him getting away with it! Im sorry but I would have to tell anyone who may leave their kids with them...
    Whatever "rift" that may come to him--- HE DID HIMSELF! You are protecting him & allowing him the chance to do this again to your kids, to other kids/teens in the family or family friends
    We need to protect our kids & others..
    He cannot be trusted. period.

    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 1:38 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I was molested for several years till I was placed in protective custody at the age of 13. The man was my moms husband who adopted me. I have forgiven him. But I will not have a relationship with him, and my children will not know him at all. I have heard that if a man is a pedifile, that he has more then one victimes, and usually they appear to be nice men on the outside. The average pedifile will abuse on average 300-400 children in their life time. I forgave that man for myself. But I will not have anything to do with him, nor will my children. I cannont, and will not put them in that situation.

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 3:12 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Thank you everyone for the advice. I do feel like I'm protecting him in someway but I don't know what to do about it. I mean is the answer to not have him in my life at all (which seems so unrealistic since we're all somewhat close) or is it to talk to my sister or anyone else for that matter about it so he doesn't continue doing it (if he is even) or is it both? Thanks again...I really appreciate it!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

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