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Should I end a 14 year friendship over a guy - torn in my decision because she is like family (details inside, sorry it's a long story)

So 6 years ago my friend had an affair with a guy for about a year - she ended it stating she wanted to work things out with her then fiance , however just a couple months later she left her fiance and was with someone else. She went these 6 years without talking to the guy she had the affair with but then he broke up with his girlfriend (he was single at the time of their affair, but his girlfriend hated my friend for drama back in high school) so he started talking to my friend again and now at this point my friend was happily married so she set me up with this guy because she knew I hadn't had anyone in awhile and we both agreed it wasn't an official relationship - we were just having fun but after we met we both said there could be potential for someone more when we both felt ready. For 3 months we spoke several times a day, always first thing in the morning and before bed, we went out 2 to 3 times during the week and spent pretty much the whole weekend together on the weekend he didn't have his son. I was starting to really like him but then my friend's husband walked out on her and is fighting her for custody of their son. So my friend was obviously an emotional wreck so me, the guy I was seeing, and two other friends basically took turns taking care of her...we made sure she ate, got sleep, helped out with the kids, checked on her, etc. Well apparently the guy I was seeing wasn't completely over her and ended up falling back in love with her. He ended things with me to pursue her - she's told him from the beginning she is still in love with her husband and didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I told her how much it would bother me if she started sleeping with him - especially since if its just sex she wants there are two other guys who made offers and told her they didn't have a problem with her using them - but this past weekend I went to her son's 2nd birthday and she told me she started sleeping with my "ex" which honestly didn't bother me, it would have a month ago but for some reason it doesn't now. What hurts is that last we talked about it I told her it would hurt me if she did so for all she knew it still would have been very hurtful to me but she did it anyway. Now he's borderline stalking her and supposedly telling him that she loves her husband and what they're doing will never become more but he's texting her telling her how much he loves her and how he's waited so long to have her back and that nothing and no one will ruin this chance for him and I can tell from what she tells me and her replied texts that she is treating him like a b/f - telling him not to have pics of his ex's, she's mad at him for telling a girl at work he'd fix her car this weekend before calling my friend to see if she had plans, etc. so even if she is telling him one thing she's acting another way and using him because he gives her money and buys things for her car and house. I don't mind her using him - he put himself in that position but she betrayed me by doing something that for all she knew could have caused me to end the friendship right then and there. I don't want to lose my friend but I can't be around her if he's there too because it sickens me to see how he follows her around like a lost puppy and how affectionate he is with her but until she ends her friendship with him he'll always be around. Another issue making me not want to end the friendship is that I love her kids, I'm auntie to them, they're best friends with my kids and they've already been pretty much abandoned by their father, step-father, and other relatives in the last few years and I don't want them to all of a sudden lose me and my kids too and I don't want my kids to lose their friends either. The only time I can't stand my friend or what she did is when that jerk is around and I know as things stand she's saying she's seriously considering telling him that it's done and to not call or come over anymore so I don't know if I should wait it out, or maybe I should explain to my friend I can't hang out with her when he's around, or something completely different...

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:12 PM on Feb. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • This is harsh but your friend doesn't really give a crap about you, otherwise, she'd not have indulged herself (esp.if she still loves her ex--which I doubt) with the man you were seeing, despite their past. Sounds to me, like she's taking and taking from just about anyone she can and you'll all be left in her wake. If I were you, I'd not be a friend to someone that isn't a friend to me. It goes both ways. You'll get hurt, the guy will get hurt and in the end, she'll probably screw herself by screwing all of you over. As for the kids, you can see them without her if it's that important. Just explain that you're in a place where you need to protect yourself. If her kids really need friends, she'll understand this, and allow hers to play with yours, without being a close friend anymore. Bottom line: it's just not worth it. Find yourself a new love and eventually, she'll figure out her life...

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 5:25 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • this sounds involved, but if I was going to sum it up, it sounds like there were really no commitments made by anyone.
    I'm sorry that she took up with this guy after you told her it would hurt you, but since it doesn't really bother you now I'd say that is spilled milk. it's over and done.

    and assuming she's telling the truth, she wants him out of her life too.

    I'd tell her that you don't want to be around when he's there, that's fair.
    Even though your friend sounds like she may be a little flaky, so are a lot of people. If her kids think so much of you, and all the kids are friends, then I'd put them first and try to work it out. Not of this is the kids fault.

    Unless you can't bear to be around her, I'd let this all take it's course, things with boyfriends can come to pass, but friendships are much more valuable.

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 5:30 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • She is not your friend, she doesn't care about you or her husband or children apparently. And honestly, I can't understand why you'd ever be involved with this guy who has proven what little morals he has, let alone still be friends with a woman who would behave as she does. I had a "friend" like this through my teen years and into my 20's. I wised up and cut her toxic ass loose. You should have done the same a long time ago.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:40 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I understand she isn't the best of friends, she has many faults - we've been friends since 6th grade - despite her faults she was there for me when I really needed it. There's been plenty of times I've thought she doesn't deserve my friendship but in the end she comes through and I still always have fun when we hang out and a part of me doesn't thing I should let this get between that since this guy is just a temporary thing in our lives. In the end she'll move on, especially since she's still planning to move to Maine in a couple years because her soon to be ex-husband had planned to move up there with his family and she wants him to still be able to be close to the kids and he'll have his heart crushed again which doesn't bother me at all. @Anon - I'm 24, she's 25 so it wasn't too long ago that we were still in school and had no drama at all in our friendship.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:11 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

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