Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Why is she doing this? How can I get the situation to change?

Recently, my husband and I obtained guardianship of a 16 year old girl whose family (parents and siblings) died in a car accident. My husband is the principal of the small Christian school where this teenager has attended for all of her life. He has taught many of her classes over the years. She has had deep conversations with him. She loves him so much. She even calls him "Grandpa." (Both my husband and I are 65.) Whenever he asks her to do a chore or something else at home, she willingly obeys. However, whenever he's not home, and I ask her to do something, she refuses to. She's very disrespectful to me. I've told my husband about this, and he's asked her about it, but she lies to him and says that she always obeys me. My husband, of course, believes me about the situation. Why is she doing this? How can I get the situation to change?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:01 PM on Feb. 22, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (14)
  • Maybe it will just take time. Obviously she has already formed a bond wth your husband, it may take some time to form the same bond with you. Is she in counseling???

    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 7:06 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • I would talk to a pastor @ church or a counselor . Sounds to me like she has some things she needs to deal with. she might have had some problems with her own grandmother or even her mother. Or she may have problems with females all together. But I would seek help before this gets worse. I wouldn't tolerate her lying anymore.
    princesschilly

    Answer by princesschilly at 7:07 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • She could be doing this for a lot of reasons, she may see him as the authority figure, maybe she was like this with her birth mom. Maybe she feels that doing as you ask is being disloyal to her birth mother's memory.

    I'd see about getting her counseling, she's been through a lot.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:08 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • She needs to build trust, respect and love for you. She needs to consistently have the same expectations. But with a great deal of love.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:09 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • The three of you need to sit down and talk things over. You and your husband need to tell her that either one of you asking her to do something is a request from both of you. Also make sure you do some one on one things with her like get your nails done, go for a walk/hike, bowling, etc so you two bond well. GL
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 7:20 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Usually my husband does a good job of getting her to talk about her feelings and, from what I can tell, she's honest with him. We didn't really think about getting her counseling with someone else, but maybe that would be a good idea.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:49 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Why is she doing this? Because she lost her parents and siblings - her whole family in a car accident!!! I can not even begin to fathom such an event or the pain she must be in. She needs intensive therapy, preferably from a therapist specializing in grief. The 3 of you need family counseling. I have 3 daughters - 21,13 & 10 and they are and have been at times, willful, disobedient, full of attitude and moody to name a few things; and none of them have suffered any significant trauma in their lives other than the loss of grandparents. Good luck to all of you and, please, get her into therapy.
    etown2reds

    Answer by etown2reds at 7:50 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • Have the three of you had family counseling?
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 9:12 PM on Feb. 22, 2011

  • No, we haven't gotten family counseling. Again, maybe we should.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:34 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Family counseling AND I would look at grief counseling for just her.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 9:09 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.