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Mine and my step sons relationship?

We have custody of my step son who is 7. He hates living with us because his Dad is never home and when he is he doesn't help me with him. My step son misses his mom so bad. I know she loves him she just doesn't know how to love him like a mom should. She has put him in soo many awful situations. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I tell my husband that he should go live with his mom if he doesn't start helping me??? I don't want to just send him away because I do love him and I don't know what our little boy would do without him. Being a step mom is the hardest thing I have ever had to be!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:18 PM on Nov. 19, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • It is a hard thing. I know this from being a step-child. I love my step-mother very, very much. It is hard when your mother doesn't care for you as much as someone not related to you by blood. It sounds like you do care for him. And his father DOES need to be involved. But your SS needs you more than you probably know. Keep trying, and keep trying to get hubby involved more.
    evilabbysmom

    Answer by evilabbysmom at 1:31 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • There are some really good stepparenting groups on here. This one is my favorite http://www.cafemom.com/group/31609 Stepparenting is even harder than parenting your own kids. I agree that you need to give DH some kind of ultimatum, but it probably shouldn't be that you would send him back to mom's if that's not a good place for him.

    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 1:44 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Ok I don't mean this to sound super bit^%y, but more to put what you said in perspective, you ask "Should I tell my husband that he should go live with his mom if he doesn't start helping me??? " Would you send your son away for dh not helping with him? You have to be the mom, at 7 he is old enough to push your buttons to test you. My ds used to be rotten to me but great to his stepdad and I asked him why one day and he said because I wouldn't leave him the therapist said that given he has a terrible relationship with his biodad that was normal. Your ss could think that if he is mean to you you will send him back to his mom whom he misses, you have to let him know that you are not going to just give up on him no matter what.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • So hard indeed! I would not send him away no matter what. He needs stability and love...sometimes those who need love the most are the hardest to love. It sounds like he has not had much stability with his mom. I would try family counseling...even if Dad does not go...you and the child will get coping skills for what you are dealing with. I think it would make you both feel better. Just keep up the love and hard work...he is lucky to have at least one "parent" who gives a darn!
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 2:33 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Are these aweful situations things you have seen or just heard about? remember exs will fight and make crap up about each other. I dont have custody of my 8 yr old son and he really wants to come back and live with me. His dad always makes things up that arent true and the stepmom believes him which I understand I mean thats her man and all. But I think the childs wish should be looked at. If he wants his mom then give him to his mom. Hes a little boy after all. They tend to be mommas boys I think. If the situations she put him in are true and were life threatening then no dont send him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:05 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • IDK if this applies as an answer but I'll put it out there anyway. Sorry so long. My older two children are from a previous relationship and their BF has not been in their lives since my son (the oldest of them) was 18 months old and never for my daughter (9) As he (my son) is getting older (he's ten now), he's starting to ask about and miss him more. When he's feeling this way, I explain to him that it's not that he (his BF) doesn't love you but right now, there are some things in his life he has to get together before he can be the dad you deserve.
    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 4:20 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I also reassure him that his SF loves him very much, respects his feelings and is always here to talk about anything and everything, no matter what. In your case, I wouldn't mention the "visits only" topic, but reinforce to him that no matter what, he always has a home with you and your DH so he will know that when (if) things get bad with his BM, he'll have a safe place.As for the friends he's made, maybe he can write them, talk on the phone or get together once in awhile.
    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 4:21 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • As far as letting him go back with his BM, is this the first time she has messed up? If so, I wouldn't be so quick to "write her off" because maybe not having him was "a wake up call and has helped her put her priorities in order. If not, then I agree to fight for legal custody and ask for supervised visits and after giving that a try, she's proving that she's "getting it together", the two of you might be open to unsupervised visits one day a week for maybe two hours in a public place (restaurant, park etc.) to see how things go with the understanding (between all of you), that this is "trial basis situation" and if she messes up again, you'll petition the courts to have him permanently. Like I said, IDK if this applies, but i hope it helps some. GL to all of you.
    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 4:22 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Sorry ladies for posting my answer more than once but I couldn't figure out how to post the answers in order from first to last so they would read that way. Sorry again!

    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 4:25 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

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