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Is there a such thing as "too much" openess in an adoption?

Where do you draw the lines? For instance, if a birth mom wanted to see her baby every month for the next 18 yrs, is that 2 much? If she communticated with you all day (through im, email, phone and texting) would that be too much for you? Birthmoms, does it help to see your child often? Or would you rather few visits and more communication (telephone, pics, etc). Adoptees, if you had an open adoption, did it help if you saw your parents often? Would you have rather it be closed?Looking for all viewpoints (birthmoms, adoptees and Adoptive parents). Not looking for a debate, just interested in everyones opinions!Thanks for reading!


Asked by Anonymous at 2:06 PM on Nov. 19, 2008 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • If you have an open adoption it is important to get the details in writing before the baby is born. I would set out specific guidelines. Most open adoptions I know send pictures to the birth mom once or twice a year and mom visits about the same. Otherwise I might feel like a foster mom more then the adoptive mother. Less is more.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I dont think there is too much openness. Whatever the adoptive parents and birthmom agree upon.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I think it depends on the situation. As a birthmom, I would have loved to have more open communications then I have been given. I dont think I would have wanted monthly visting or anything of that nature. Maybe once a year. But that would be dependent too on how things were going with the family. More pictures certainly. Updates more often. I have gradually been squeezed out over the years & its very hard not knowing or seeing any pictures.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:22 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I think it depends on the situation. Where I'm from, there are a lot of family adoptions, so the kids always know their mother's and it becomes just a fact of life and adoption is no big deal. For instance, my mom and dad adopted my nephew. He call's his legal parents Grandma and Grandpa, and his mother mom. They see each other atleast 5 times a week. It's no big deal, it's just the way things are and always has been since his birth.
    One of my friends growing up was adopted my her aunt. She saw her mother on a regular basis. Her mother was a drunk, her aunt is her mom. She was glad she was adopted and never had any of the issue's many adopted kids have.

    Answer by Lornamay at 2:30 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • cont.
    My sister in law got pregnant at 16 and had familly friends adopt her son. He always knew who his mother was, they moved out of state but he could contact her at any time. His mom and mother has had contact all through the years, and he's never had a problem. He actually thanked his mother for giving him his mom!
    I think stranger to stranger adoption should probably be different though, Why choose a stanger to adopt your child if you want to be able to see them grow up?

    Answer by Lornamay at 2:30 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I HAD to pick a stranger to adopt my child. My family was too jacked up. I wasnt going to subject my kid to the same upbringing I had. SO because of this I shouldnt' be allowed the considerations of seeing my child grow up. That's nice.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:45 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • I think visits twice a year with the adoptee having the ability to contanct the birth family if he wants to is ideal.

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:46 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • It really is not so much what works for other people, but what will work for for you and the family you have created through adoption. I think that hearing other people's experiences can expose you to different scenarios that you may not think of on your own but there is no one right way that works for all adoptive parents, all birth parents, or all adoptees. What works great at one point in time may morph over time into someing more or less than what was originally in place and that's okay too. We as humans change and grow and need different things at different times in all areas. The most important thing is to realize that you are establishing a framework for your child - a way for him/her to see themselves reflected in those around them who love and care for them. If you base your decisions on what you would want to have available to you if YOU were the adoptee in the situation then I think your focus will steer you well.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:24 AM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • Every situation is going to be based on the comfort level of both sides. If regular updates were agreed upon, I think it's VERY unfair for the adoptive parents to push a BM away. While I can understand their fear that she may change her mind down the road when her own situation becomes more stable, the bottom line is, that's a mom, and she deserves to be treated like one.

    Answer by ummmhello at 5:13 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • To echo pretty much what every else said... it just depends on the situation. I do not think there is such a thing as too much openess, as long as it is what was agreed on.

    Answer by VanessaV at 12:53 AM on Nov. 21, 2008