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Am I terrible for not wanting MIL, SIL, and BIL to come to my kid's event?

Okay, my kindergartener is having a Grandparents Day at school, it is going to be about an hour, so now my husband's whole family wants to come! My husband and I send my son to a racially mixed school, it is amazing how awesome it is, but my in-laws, and my parents as well have expressed concern over it! MY husband and I don't want our little one to grow up with backward thinking about races! I know that after they come, that is all I am going to hear, and yes it sucks that they are prejuidiced! I just don't even want to deal with it, they are coming from 2 hours away, and I think it is really nice, but KNOW how it is going to be,, would it be rude of me just to say the canceled it, I feel like a bad person, but don't want my son to overhear any of the redneck comments that I feel are going to come out of their mouths! Plus it was just supposed to be grandparents, and mine thank god are on vacation!


Asked by kimigogo at 11:37 AM on Feb. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Level 37 (91,454 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I don't normally condone lying. However, by the sounds of it, yea you should call and tell them it's cancelled or he isn't doing it, or something. There is no reason the BIL and SIL should be there, it is a grandparents thing....I am going to say good luck, I know how hard it is to have kids who you are trying to raise correctly only to have a family member come in and make snide and rude comments that you have to call them down for. It sounds like you should think about cutting them out of all your lives until they can learn how to keep their racial thoughts to themselves.

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 11:45 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • I would tell them up front that he goes to a very diverse school & that you don't want to hear any racist crap from them & if you do, they will be asked to leave.

    My DH's side of the family can be prejudiced & well....maybe it's because we've been together for a long time & know them well enough to do this...but i tell them to their face to STFU, that we don't talk like that in our house & that they need to respect that rule. I really don't care that they are family, we talk with respect in my house regardless who you are. They NEVER say racist crap in front of me any more. I get pissed at them & rightfully so. I have told them that if they want to talk like bigots, they can do it on their own time & in their own home away from me & my kids. I told them i think it's ugly & won't listen to it.

    Maybe you need to tell them how you feel about prejudiced comments.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:44 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • btw, I do agree with you No BIL or SIL until Family Day.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:43 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • First of all, if it's for the grandparents, then only the grandparents should being going, not the ENTIRE family. I'd be half tempted to tell your MIL that she'll only be welcome if she and her DH keep their racist, bigoted opinions to themselves.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:45 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Make it clear (loud & clear) that you know how they feel and you will NOT accept any comments about it. If they want to be there to celebrate grandparents day with your child fine - but they are to leave the comments to themselves before, during & after or they will not be asked back....

    Answer by monshine2 at 12:48 PM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Can you speak to all of them before the event begins in a polite way and thank for their willingness to come. Then slide in a reminder to them phrased something like... that you know how they feel about his racially mixed class, but would appreciate if they keep the topic of conversation to celebrating your child and not on their personal assessment of his school or classmates for this special day of his.

    Answer by spottedpony at 11:47 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Honestly, I am not sure what they will say in front of DS, but my SIL will tell everyone in my husbands hometown what she thinks of us sending our DS to this school,, I said it was just for Grandparents, but they insisted on coming "to take a look", I know exactly what that means, so she can put down our choices even though they are the ones with the awful opinios, plus my MIL will probably be to afraid to be with a bunch of black kindergarteners,, they might steal her purse,, LOL!I really just want to say they had to cancel, and be done!

    Comment by kimigogo (original poster) at 11:53 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • You are going to run into the problem of their prejudice every school concert, kindergarten graduation and so on forever even if you end this one. It is very nice that they want to be a part of your child's day and your child might feel left out if they don't have a grandparent present. Its uncomfortable to lay down ground but this attitude won't be limited to school. i grew up with grandparents that weren't truly 100% racist but they did tell off color jokes and use off color words and it had no impact on me having a racially mixed group of friends because I always heard from my parents about how older people sometimes think different is bad, and so on. If you can't get them with common sense perhaps telling them that your child is a parrot and you can't afford a discrimination lawsuit so they need to keep their lips tight might work because requiring sensitivity training before attendance probably won't work.

    Answer by hotelmom123 at 11:57 AM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Since Grandparents insist, I'd say invite them, but Train them, both you and your husband, on
    racial issues. Explain to them that we live in a Multicultural, Globalized society, and all races
    and ethnicities have something to offer.
    Tell them that now adays, all jobs, especially large multinational companies, employ people
    from different ethnicities and races, and YOU ARE PREPARING YOUR CHILD TO BE NICE

    I'm sure they will understand the reality around them, and they'll try to behave,
    esp. if your hb talks to them too.

    Good luck !!!

    Answer by lillyblue111 at 12:01 PM on Feb. 23, 2011

  • Can you lie and tell them that the school can only accommodate a certain amount of people per kid? Grandparents only? Not sure why the SIL & BIL want to come, anyway.

    I feel your pain…my EX in-laws are constantly inviting themselves to my kids’ events.

    Answer by 1smartcookie at 1:39 PM on Feb. 23, 2011