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Just need some advise about my new step daughter and myself

I have a 12 yr old step daughter who's rebelling big time. She is lying to both her mother and my husband, not doing her school work, failing every class and backtalking her elders. I'm losing ideas to mention to my husband that he and her mother can try and having a hard time finding that "happy Medium" for her and I together we have 3 kids 5, 10, and 12 the 10 year old my youngest step daughter is starting to attempt this same attitude for feeling "left out" or getting less attention than she deserves. HELP!!! having a hard time finding that happy medium

 
sgunn

Asked by sgunn at 3:19 PM on Nov. 19, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (8)
  • I agree with both posters, BUT even still, SHE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU, YOUR DH, AND ELDERS. I was raised, my mother understood our puberty and etc, issues, BUT that was not a pass for failing, disrespect, etc. That being sd, have a sit down with her, let her know that yes you see she is having problems, and she can come and talk to you ANY time for advice and if she needs help, but her education and the way she treats others is disgracefuil no matter what her problem is. There should be consequences for her actions, and let her know.
    YanniSmoMMy

    Answer by YanniSmoMMy at 11:26 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • It's hard..I know. I have 2 girls of my ownages 5 &9 and 3 stepchildren ages 4, 8, &9...the adjustn=ment has been challenging for us all....especially the younger two because of jealousy issues.My daughter struggles last year in school because of the divorce, moving and a new marraige/Family. All you can do is let the kids know you are there for them no matter what, be extra helpful and talk to the teachers to make them aware of the situation. The 12 yr old is prob. rebelling because she doesn't know where her "place" is in the whole new life. Just reassure her and keep trying.. let her know that youare not trying to replace her mother, and she is very lucky to have two sets of parents that love and care about her.. she may seemdisgruntled for now,but she'll come around. :)
    thomaspartyof7

    Answer by thomaspartyof7 at 4:02 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • You should try family counseling
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 6:07 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • Like she fails a class, she loses a priveledge and will go to a tutor or YOU will tutor her until she gets her grade up. Attitude is different from disrespect to me. If you see she is upset or irritated, dont walk on egg-shells, but be aware of it. BUT she should know, just because you feel a certain type of way, doesn't mean she can disrespect ELDERS! Let her know you are here for her to talk, but the failing and the disrespect WILL stop. Also talk with DH and her mom, and talk with them a plan, because it'll need to go through ALL parties for it to work! Good luck momma!
    YanniSmoMMy

    Answer by YanniSmoMMy at 11:26 PM on Nov. 19, 2008

  • First let me just say this..IT IS NOT YOU it's her AGE! She's 12 going on 21. I am willing to bet the kids she's hanging out with are ALLOT like her (behavior wise). Peer pressure is one the reasons kids go astray. You don't mention WHO she lives with. (important as far as consequences). Possible tutor to help out with school (they have them for free at most schools now). I personally think maybe you and her need a TIME OUT day. Let it be something that you and her ONLY can enjoy. Pedicures are great. Going to library. Just ask her. 12 year olds can speak up and often do...just "talk" to her NOT at her. This is a very, very hard age...becoming a teenager...
    OMGIAMGOINGNUTS

    Answer by OMGIAMGOINGNUTS at 9:26 AM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • There is a book called Blended Families...sorry can't think of the author off the top of my head...but it really helped us!
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 11:20 AM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • I know what you mean. I have two step kids of my own and now a new baby. It took a long time for my 10 year-old step daughter and me to bond. I've helped raise them for the past 4 years. I just had to earn her trust and show her that I am there for her as a parent and friend. I tried to involve myself with the things that interest her, like music. I showed interest in the day to day things she did whether it be homework, the music she listened to, listen when she talked about the dramas between friends at school, etc. When she gave attitude as she got older, I would not allow it. I was all over that right away. Taking the things that meant the most to her always worked: radio, friends, tv. We had to earn each other's respect and trust to bond with one another and grow from there.
    Jakl

    Answer by Jakl at 4:21 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • I know exactly how you feel. Let me just say that you are not going through this alone. My daughter and my husband do not get along what so ever. We have been together for three years married for two. The past two years have been very hard. She is 11 and has absolutley no respect for her step dad. We have three kids all together an 11 yr old 9 and 6. Our 9 and 6 year olds are boys and for some reason were not affected by the divorce/ new family adjustment. Our main challenge is our daughter and by talking to some friends it seems that girls are a problem area in general, becasuse lets face it we tend to be a lttle more opinionated then boys/men. At least from my experience anyway. Everyday is a struggle and a challenge please dont give up, I am new to this site, send me a friend request if you would like to discuss challenges that occur, good luck, sorry i couldnt be more helpful.....
    mustangmamalvr

    Answer by mustangmamalvr at 6:26 PM on Nov. 20, 2008