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3 Bumps

Should I let Him?!! Am I wrong??

My ex husband, the father to my children, moved 3,000 miles away from his children to open up a massage salon with his girlfriend. (he didnt tell me, I found out, but he still denies it to me) He hasnt see his children since June of last year, he never sends C/S, never sends b day, or Christmas presents, no card, balloon, nothing. And he NEVER ever see's them. He calls about once a week, if that. Well, I have come to the conclusion, that if he isnt trying to make an effort to help take care of his children, why should I let the kids talk to him?? My kids are 3 & 4. They have a great step father who loves them, and he is the man they see as their "father." My children dont need their real father confusing them, and telling them how much he "misses and loves them", for his actions say otherwise. My mother says I should be nice, bc its called Karma. I call it BS. He doesnt care about my feelings, or his children's, why should I care for his??

Am I wrong??

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:16 AM on Feb. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • No you're not. You need to tell him this though. Some men don't think like that.
    IrishPennMom

    Answer by IrishPennMom at 11:19 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • It's not about him, it's about the children. Even if they now have a wonderful "step" dad that is effectively everything that a Father is and should be, they have a right to know their biological father (would you not allow them to know their bio dad if they were adopted?)... it sucks (I know, DD's bio dad is like that... he's basically just a sperm donor)... don't worry about them being confused, children are smarter than we give them credit for, they KNOW who "daddy" is!
    Belovedmoonpixi

    Answer by Belovedmoonpixi at 11:20 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • honestly i think the phone call once a week is better than nothing, and since they know who he is and once had a relationship with him, it would be wrong and it might feel to them like you are taking their daddy away.

    i know how you feel, i honestly do. the bio-dad of my oldest doesnt care about our dd either but he doesnt call, doesnt ask if shes alive, no sort of recognition period. i would be satisfied and feel he were making an effort if he atleast did call even if it was once a week. she will be 5 this year and he has only seen her once since her first birthday.

    i think you should just continue to let him call. if he stops calling, thats on him.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 11:20 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • First off he's your ex, so there for your feelings really don't matter to him (sorry but welcome to the wonderful world of our ex's). As for sending gifts...why is that so important, that's all material BS. What does your divorce papers say?? Do you have to let him see the kids, did you make it clear in your divorce that he would see them on the weekends, or in the summer.... Why wasn't it ordered for him to pay child support when you got your divorce? IMHO he wouldn't take them out of the city limits let alone the state without some sort of court order. I don't feel it's right for you to be the one to cut out contact with them and their biological dad either...does his contact make them upset or do they get off the phone crying? Just a saying I've learned after motherhood...don't make the children pay for the sins of the parent..don't take out on them what you want to punish him for. Good Luck.
    kitchenwitch78

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 11:22 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • @irishpennmom.... Unfortunately, I have told him all of this, he just brushes it off.

    I have taken the kids to see him FOUR weekends in a row, to only be told by him, I cant this weekend.. I TRY my damndest to allow him to have a relationship with his kids, but all he cares about is HIS money and himself...
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:23 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • Honestly I think you are wrong....I understand that he is being a jerk and he should have tried to open the sallon near his children but he didnt and at least he is calling when he does...he is not just blowing them off like they dont exist....i would however file for child support since he is not there to help take care of his children....but i wouldnt stoop as low as him...or lower....and not let him speek with his children.
    Shelii

    Answer by Shelii at 11:25 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • It is karma, HIS karma. HE is choosing to not have anything to do with his kids, so abide by his choice. Don't force the issue at all, and try to say nothing if you can't be nice when you talk with your kids about him.

    My parents split when I was a baby. Part of the custody order was that my dad (custodial parent) had to call my mom weekly with updates. During that call I would "get" to talk to her. I have one memory of that: I was about your children's age, sitting on my dad's lap at the table hiding in his beard sobbing while he hung up the phone. He would leave the room while I talked with her so he has no idea what we talked about, and I was too young to remember. The phone calls stopped shortly after that because I'd break down and BAWL every time he would mention that phone call.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:27 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • It's a tough situation you are in. A phone call means basically nothing to a 3 and 4 year old, so he pretty much has no contact with his kids if that is all that is happening. He should be paying you child support and you should get him into court as soon as you can to order it. While you are in court it might be a good idea to have a meeting with him and your lawyers and the judge to discuss custody. If he has no interest in custody, you can have a piece of paper for him to sign that says he awards you and your husband full custody. Then, your husband can legally adopt the kids and everything will be legal and on paper.
    You aren't a bitter ex wife who is just ladeling hate onto your ex. You are a mother who is outraged that you ex husband is treating your children as if they are disposable and not worthy of his notice. He doesn't deserve to have kids at all if this is how he acts. Good luck to you:) HUGZ!!!!
    alphamom26

    Answer by alphamom26 at 11:37 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • My ex is a POS. He was ordered to pay CS, and his license was suspended, but thats the only thing they have done. In our divorce decree he was able to see the boys every other weekend. I havent denied him that. The presents are a big deal bc he can show his children he is thinking of them..... do something! Its called the dollar store!!!

    I just dont want them getting their hopes up. They ask at times if their father is picking them up, and they get upset when i say "not this weekend baby"
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:38 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

  • I would say let him make the effort and don't arrange anything let him do it. If the kids want to see or talk to them then let them. If the kids ask if he is picking them up call him and let him answer that question. When he disappoints them do your best to comfort them. They will learn what their Father is willing to do. And let the new man in there life, be there Daddy.
    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 11:53 AM on Feb. 25, 2011

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