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8 Bumps

If you are a step mom who constatnly complains about step kids or their moms, why did you marry their dad?

I mean really, no one forced you, you could have walked away. I see so many step mom's on here complaining about how bad their step kids or their mother's are. I know that a lot of times the problems don't start until after the wedding but in a situation like that, shouldn't you expect there will be problems from time to time? My friend's 5 year old dd was very close to her daddy and then he married a woman who doesn't like children (she acted like she did until the wedding though). Now, a year later, that little girl almost never sees her daddy. When you become a step mom, you enter into an already made family, with it's own rules and ways of doing things which I am sure is hard but if you can't do it without causing problems for everyone, why marry a man with a family already?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:05 AM on Feb. 26, 2011 in Parenting Debate

This question is closed.
Answers (30)
  • I married my husband because I loved him. He had a child and a bitter ex wife. Many of us who don't care for our step children, are targets of Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is a very real mental disorder that will soon be included in the DSM, the handbook of mental diseases and disorders. My step son was taught to hate his father from a very young age. When I became married to my husband, I was included in that hatred for no other reason than I existed. After my stepson stole from me and my children, after he threatened to kill me and my husband, after he told his teachers at school that we abused him, I backed off trying to have anything to do with this kid. He is 6 ft 2 inches and is 17 years old. He was taught to hate by his mom, his half sister, and his grandparents on that side. My husband has picked me over his son because he knows we have a future. He has no future with this young man. It is sad but it is real.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 7:00 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • My friend's 5 year old dd was very close to her daddy and then he married a woman who doesn't like children (she acted like she did until the wedding though). Now, a year later, that little girl almost never sees her daddy.


    This is the dads fault not the step moms fault. He made a choice to stay with a woman who doesn't care for his child and stopped seeing his kid.  I agree no one should marry a person with kids unless they are up to the challenge of dealing with a blended family but no one can keep a good parent away from their children. A good parent will always fight to be in their childs life.

    FricknFrack

    Answer by FricknFrack at 4:04 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I agree! my best friend seems to hate her boyfriends kids and they plan on getting married, you would think they would try a little harder.
    jenn4443

    Answer by jenn4443 at 10:07 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Think about what is best for the kids. Simple as that. It's not about what the adults want, not even about what the kids want. It's what's best for them. No matter what they tell you that the other one said, just say, "really", or "how about that", or "I see you didn't like that". Be supportive of the kids, but don't say anything bad about the others, and try not to obsess about it. It's hard, but it can be done. When they find you aren't going to junmp at the bait, much of that stops. On time I said, "What happens at their house, should stay at their house". All you're getting is a one-sided view, and it just eats at you. Time heals.
    SweetLuci

    Answer by SweetLuci at 10:24 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I could say that about the mother too, but I can only speak for myself. I did not know at 20 what being a step mom meant and I didn't know what to do. That is human.
    Bubbie0809

    Answer by Bubbie0809 at 11:59 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • you know i here that all the time blame the step parent when the birth parent starts neglecting thier child after a new marriage its the parents fault and they are responsible to never let noone come between them and thier child if they care enough noone can stop them from seeing thier children
    peace013

    Answer by peace013 at 12:22 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • yes alot of times it does happen after the fact. in my situation the kids were bad to begin with and hoping because they were so young that they would grow out of it. but when their dad and i got marrried i think that is when they realized that mom and dad were not going to get back together and i was the one that caused it they became worse
    jodi205

    Answer by jodi205 at 10:09 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I have had nothing but bad experiences with step moms. I have had 2 in recent years that were just plain evil. My sons step mom berated him, told him I was a bad mom, made him cry, would immitate me on the phone, and was just plain mean and nuts. She was also my ex's mistress & knew not only that my ex has a child but was married too. Thank GOD she is now history. 8 yrs of this crap though!

    My older kids dad married AGAIN about a year ago & didnt tell the kids. His wife doesnt "allow" him to talk to them on the phone without the speaker phone on. She also doesnt "allow" him to visit but once a year. When they come down she only stays and has him stay maybe an hour or two and there is always a "family emergency" having to do with her girls and they have to leave. My ex is lying to her about his past, I just dont feel the need to let her know. Karmas a bitch.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 10:12 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Sometimes you really don't know what you are getting into. I really didn't... I thought that they would come for weekends, we would have fun and they would go home. I had no illusions that I was going to be their new "mom" I just thought we could be friends (I was 20 when I got married, I didn't really understand the family dynamics) When my stepson moved in with us, I had no idea how to handle him and his acting out, I know it was very hard for him (we lived 100 miles away from his mother and the rest of his close family and he only moved w/us b/c his mom was having another baby) But I had no parenting skills and no idea how to relate or make him feel better.

    Step moms get such a bad rap sometimes, when maybe they just are not sure how to handle the situation, they though it would be one way and it turned into something else.
    Bubbie0809

    Answer by Bubbie0809 at 11:42 AM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • No one forces a person to get married regardless, so I guess no one should have the right to bitch about anything in their marriage right?

    I am with my BF because I love him. and while his son drives me nuts I love him too. Can't stand his ex but I am not in a relationship with her. I knew she was crazy from day one and yes I chose to deal with it. Doesn't mean it can't piss me off. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to bitch on an internet site made for doing that sort of thing. Overall I'm thrilled with my relationship and it's worth the few downsides.
    kayslay

    Answer by kayslay at 8:36 PM on Feb. 26, 2011