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Would you go? Long story, no bashing, please, if you don't like the question, please skip to the next question.

My mom wants to take me out to eat today for my birthday, but I don't feel right about going. The thing is that I moved out of town and about two months after I moved, she came down and basically followed me. I allowed her to stay with me until she found her own place and she has. She'll be moving in her place soon and I plan on cutting ties or at least limiting contact with her. A few days ago, I was talking to my child's father about the struggles that I go through due to the fact that I missed several opportunities in my childhood to get educated and several other things. I was telling him that I was frustrated with how I reach out for help and how I can't get the help that I need because there are no programs for me because my situation is so different from other people's my age. I am supposed to know how to do things like everyone my age, but I don't. My mom was trying to encourage me and tell me that everything is going to be alright and I just had to let her know how I was feeling inside about my life in general.

We has a small argument and I told her how I've been working really hard to overcome adversity, but how hard it is because she failed me as a parent, put the needs of my stepdad and my little brother over the rest of her kids, and other things that I had to endure. I told her how I still suffer because I missed so much school and the learning experiences that go along with it. You see, I've been judged based on my circumstances and no one really knows the severity of the things that I had to endure. I missed school between the ages of 11-16, missing 2 full years when I was 14 and 15, and rarely going at all for the other years.

When we had our dispute, I informed her that I felt like it was best if we cut ties and she seems to be in denial about my feelings of wanting to cut her off. I just don't know what to do. I have a counseling appointment at the end of this month so I can get over all the pain of my childhood and move on with my life. How would you guys handle the situation? Should I go, or should I politely decline her offer for dinner and birthday money?

 
cocobrown28

Asked by cocobrown28 at 1:19 PM on Feb. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,128 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I'm sorry that you have endured such trauma. The good thing is that it appears that you are trying hard to work past your challenges.

    You will need therapy to be able to let your anger go, it's not going to do you any good to continue blaming your mother for your educational mishaps. You are an adult now, take control of YOUR life, let the negative out, and move forward.

    Do you really feel that eliminating contact with your mother will make your life better? If so, then move on.

    Good luck--you can overcome anything! Find people that can actually help you. Lean on those who are dedicated to making a positive difference in your life.
    SnapdragonSMT

    Answer by SnapdragonSMT at 1:53 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • No don't decline. Use it as closure if you want to leave. Have the dinner and if she offers money take it. You can use it for education and she'll get a blessing. Hate what happened but don't hate mom. We older moms made decisions that sometimes were bad. When we get older we see our mistakes. I've spent a lot of time apologizing to my children for mistakes I made with them. It's part of life. Moms are not perfect, we're just people who try to do what we think is best. I'm sure when your children grow up they will let you know what you did that affected them as well. It's ok to cut ties but do it with respect (for yourself) and dignity.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:27 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • If it is something you feel you WANT to do then go ahead to dinner but if you feel like you HAVE to go then I would say no. Talk to your therapist and see if it is a good idea. However, I don't think you should feel obligated especially given your childhood. I can relate and I'm just getting to the point where I can have cordial conversation with my mother.
    spidermansmom

    Answer by spidermansmom at 1:27 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I'm not sure what is right in this situation. I would think a dinner wouldn't be a big deal, but it seems like it may have the potential to be a situation in which you may be putting yourself in a position to get into an argument with her. If you think it will be just a dinner...no arguments...then accept. But, if you are still feeling so much resentment toward her then maybe you should politely decline. I hope you have a happy birthday regardless of if you go or not!
    MommyH2

    Answer by MommyH2 at 1:28 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Parents aren't perfect, I don't know all the situation but, let her take you out.
    pswiley

    Answer by pswiley at 1:24 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • She probably raised you the best she knew how to, have you ever asked her about how her childhood? Maybe she never knew any difference about what a "good" mom was suppose to do during your childhood and I am glad that you are seeing a counselor because maybe you will be able to let go some of the resentment you have towards your mother and right now you need to do what is best for you however I believe everyone deserves a second chance so I hope someday you and your mother can find peace.
    PatriciaofMN

    Answer by PatriciaofMN at 1:59 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Coco- You write really well for someone with such a poor educational history. I mean really well. I mean so well that part of me doesn't understand what problems you are having in school.
    Saya

    Answer by Saya at 3:34 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I feel so guilty about it knowing that I don't want to keep communicating with her anymore. I didn't ask her for it, but I just don't feel right about it.
    cocobrown28

    Comment by cocobrown28 (original poster) at 1:26 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • If your gut instinct is telling you not to go, don't go.
    Simplicity3

    Answer by Simplicity3 at 1:31 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I don't want to argue with her about my life and I thought I had forgiven her for my childhood, but when things are constantly going wrong for me, I know it is because of the lack of education and everything else that I missed. The funny thing is that I did finish school, but it was only because I got my GED. that doesn't make up for the major gaps in my education. I do have resentment towards her and I can't seem to shake it. I have been a good daughter to her despite the fact that she wasn't a good mom and a bad grandparent. I don't know anymore.
    cocobrown28

    Comment by cocobrown28 (original poster) at 1:34 PM on Feb. 26, 2011