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4 Bumps

I'm going to lose my kids and this is my fault, is it too late to fix? (sorry it's a long explanation)

I was stupid when my husband left me for someone else, I was alone with no support from friends and all I heard from family was "I told you so". He left and for over six months had no contact with me or our children who were 2 and 1 at the time. I don't know why but going to court to file papers was the last thought on my mind; after about 8 months my ex decided to start being a father - he'd take our 2 year old for visits but not our 1 year old because he "couldn't handle her". Then just after her 3rd birthday he came to take her for a week long visit; at this time I had child services in my life because my neighbors were pissed about the ATV riding in my mom's yard but there was nothing they could do about it because ATV riding is legal if done on private property so they decided to go after the only thing they could and began making up stories about my kids, and I had a bitch for a case worker who substantiated the claim of physical neglect against me which is ridiculous because the stories my neighbors told were borderline ridiculous but all I had was my word and apparently even though the second case worker stated on her report that my kids were obviously loved, well cared for on both a physical and emotional level it wasn't worth as much as my neighbor's allegations. So my ex decided to take this as an opportunity to take my child from me - we had no court agreement so legally I couldn't do anything. He took my child and lived more than 200 miles away - for a year I barely saw my first born. My family believed, or at least my mother, that I allowed him to take her - that I did not love nor want my child. He filed custody papers and told me if I fought him he'd take my other child too and that he and his girlfriend would simply make up stuff and call child services and how if I went against him I'd never see either of my children. In a desperate attempt to be with her again I moved to the state in which my ex was living, I lived in shitty motel rooms and got a job then my ex decided to leave his girlfriend and told me to take the kids and move back here - so I had to quit my job and find someone who would come get us. He ended up back with his girlfriend and after a couple months came back to take my daughter again and we hadn't been to court yet to change the order - we were less than 2 weeks away from our court date. Then once again I went down there to be with my daughter, I got sick of the abuse by his girlfriend - the way she treated him and our kids sickened me so we got into a huge fight - the two of them took my older daughter and took off, my ex called me to tell me to take my younger daughter and be out of the apartment before he had to go to work. So I had no choice but to leave again. Once again every time a court appearance showed up he threatened me if I said anything against him. A few months went by and all of a sudden he wanted our younger daughter too - demanded I bring her with me when I dropped off our older daughter on one of the very few visits I got her. I refused at first, told him I was going to file court papers. However in the end his threats of involving child services and fighting for sole custody won out in the end, but for a third time I moved down there to be with my kids - this time I had family to help me win. A federal warrant was issued for my ex husband because probation couldn't find him - he was arrested when we had all gone up to visit our parents, I went to the court to try and get an emergency ruling giving me custody of the kids since he was in jail - they turned me down and I had to return to the other state with my ex's girlfriend but luckily they were already about to be evicted from their apartment and on top of that the very next day the bitch was arrested for not paying her child support so me and the kids headed back to my mom's house. My ex got out of jail, charges were dropped because to stupid District Attorney and the probation officer lied their asses off in the report about him supposedly violating probation (they would've had him, he'd have gone back for 12 years if they hadn't lied) but he had to live with his parents so I got the kids, we went back to court I have custody of my younger daughter but he used his threats to allow him to keep custody of our older one so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Every once in awhile he says he isn't bringing our older one back to me, says she would do better living with him. My family will disown me, my mother will kick me out of her house, I won't be able to care for either of my children...if I go to court how do I prove he's threatened me all these years to do as he says and because of it both of my children and myself are screwed up? My older daughter is in therapy because of the severe emotional abuse and abandonment caused by her father's actions.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:17 PM on Feb. 26, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (17)
  • Try discussing it thru texts or e mails with him or record a conversation wish I had more advice for you sorry for yout troubles. Good luck sweetie.
    Destins_Mommy

    Answer by Destins_Mommy at 2:25 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • WOW! That gave me a headache just reading it. You seriously let this man threaten you all these years??? First off I don't feel it was much of a threat, just from what I read he could prove you unfit with the way you bounced around with the youngest one. My advice to you...fight for your girls..get a job, a stable home on your own and show the court that you are a good, stable mother who can do it on your own. I'm sorry but seriously...I read this and thought none of you should have those kids. I hope you can straighten your act up, and find a good job, maybe even think about going back to school. You do what you have to do when you have to do it for the safety and stability of your children, if he can prove that he has more stability and can offer them kids a better home life...you will lose them both.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • I would start recording your conversation if I were you
    babygirl0782

    Answer by babygirl0782 at 2:28 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • From what I can tell, it looks like you need to quit listening to his threats! just stop accomodating him, next, I would, "if you can " hire the very best lawyer out there! His trac record should should say a lot when you go to court but thats where you have to have a good lawyer! He's just full of threats and you need to stand up for your kids no matter what! Be tough mom!!!!!!!!!!!
    anichols1

    Answer by anichols1 at 2:28 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Wow.  I don't have an answer for you, all I can say is find a good lawyer.  Maybe you can find one through legal aid in your city or county.  Document anything and everything.  Sit down and start writing as much as you can remember, every detail about the threats he made and the lies that were told, etc.  I don't know that you can get your kids back or keep them or whatever, but I'd say to get your thoughts together and document as much as you can.  I think I'd also write a letter to the judge, it can't hurt. 

    CookieMom108

    Answer by CookieMom108 at 2:30 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Can you fix it? Well, you admit you have fault in the situation, and that is a big step towards making yourself a better parent for your kids. Hey- people make mistakes, and it sure seems to me that we all learn how to be better parents to our kids as time goes by. (Well, of course that excludes those supposedly perfect parents who do no wrong, right?)

    What can you do? I agree with Anon that you need to get a steady job, get into a place that will be a steady home for you and your kids, get a lawyer. If your family isn't wanting him to have the kids, then perhaps they can help you. But it starts with not using your mom's house as a home to raise the kids. You have to go out there and be able to provide a good life for them on your own.

    Good luck, and I hope you get your life straightened out and get those babies back into your life, because you know they want to be a part of their mother's life.
    SpaceToast

    Answer by SpaceToast at 2:37 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • @anonymous - yes I let him threaten me all these years because just as you said I will lose them both, at the times he made his threats he had a job and an apartment however he and his girlfriend are both emotionally abusive and even though they've never left marks on my kids their idea of physical punishment is severe as well but he has my older daughter so terrified that she won't ever say a word to anyone about what happens at her father's. How would I be found unfit for moving 4 times in as many years? I never thought moving could be considered grounds to remove children from their parents home. He isn't more stable at all - he has been evicted from the last 4 apartments he's lived in, his girlfriend and him fight constantly - the only reason he's with her is because she's pregnant again or else he would've left her months ago. He doesn't keep a job for more than a couple months at a time.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:43 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • Well you have to go back and document everything. Get a notebook, go back and think of every date possible, and since cps was involved you should have some paperwork to help you there. If your dd is in therapy you have the therapist supeona'd to court as well. You will have to get a lawyer, no ands ifs or butts. Most of all never send your kids to visits for anymore time then is spelled out in the court order. I dont care what the situation is, what hes saying or even Jesus Christ himself comes down from heaven and tells you its ok. You ALWAYS go off the court order, or itll bite you right in the ass.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 3:05 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • WOW- You really have got yourself into a major mess- but, at least you realize you are part to blame in it- i have no doubt that it can be fixed with Alot of Hard Work & Determination- What your kids need more than Anything is to feel they belong somewhere.... They need Stability in their life, they need to know wherever they live is their home- Counseling for All of you would probably help alot & i would try to get a lawyer that only deals with Kids & Custody- Taking a Parenting Class might also be a good idea- i really hope everything works out for you & your children- i would Never let another threat stop me from letting my EX keep my kids or hold them over your head- Stop Worrying about what he says to you & be the Very Best Mommy you can be- Wishing you lots of luck:)

    daisyb

    Answer by daisyb at 3:11 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

  • "How would I be found unfit for moving 4 times in as many years? I never thought moving could be considered grounds to remove children from their parents home."

    It implies instability and inability to pay bills. So find a place and STAY there.

    GET A LAWYER. You haven't a prayer without one.

    To be honest, I think the court is going to find that NEITHER of you gets to keep the kids without taking parenting classes and without proof of a stable home and job.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:24 PM on Feb. 26, 2011

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