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4 Bumps

Ok ladies, can you please help me in relationship advice... what should I do?

I'm not looking to be judged. I just need some help and advice from someone. I've been with my boyfriend (the father of my child) for 8 years. I love him so much and he loves me. We've lived together for 7 years and share everything ( a house, car insurance, loans, bank accounts...). We have always thought of ourselves being together forever so not need to rush and get married. Well we were in another fight again today (we fight alot about small things) and he always fights dirty (says hurtful things and knows exactly what to say to crush me). I don't say mean things to hime. Whenever he does something that upsets me and I try to talk to him about it he never tried to explain anything he just gets defensive and says mean things to me until I drop it. Well long story short he was mean again today and he ended up leaving. Then he decided to come clean and tell me that he has been smoking behind my back for 3 years now (not ciagrettes). He knows that I hate that and I told him I would leave him if he ever did that again (long story... but that's my one thing I can't tolerate). Well I told him that before we had our daughter. She is 16 months old now and I found out that when he's with her when I'm at school or work he's smoking when she's home with him! She's always sleeping when he does but still. I am so hurt that he's been lying all this time and so pissed that he's doing it when she's home. What do I do? Do I make him move out? I can't afford to live on my own while I'm in school. Plus everything is in both our names. Do I try to make it work? I don't think I could ever trust him again not to mention he stays with her while I'm in school/work. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry it's so long... Just trying to give a history. Thank you for your help.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on Feb. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • Firstly, if he is smoking drugs, then he cannot be trusted with caring for a baby. And, I am sure you know that it is soooooo unhealthy for your little angel to be breathing in any kids of smoke. Also, if the drug is illegal and in the house, and he gets caught, your little one could get taken away from you . . . . so, it is imperative that he follow the law.
    If it is crack or heroin that he is smoking, you should demand that he enter treatment asap if he wants to stay with you and the baby.
    If it is marijauna, he needs to have his medical card current, and he cannot do it in the house with the baby, nor while he is watching her.
    You might want to go to couples counseling to get help deciding what to do. There also is now a trust issue with you and he.
    Whatever you do, though, you cannot currently leave him in charge of your baby. He is not capable right now.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 5:34 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • By the way, I am sorry you are dealing with this. :(
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 5:35 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • For some people it might seem like a small issue but when it comes to raising kids, what he does can effect your whole family. C.P.S. can try to but the blame on you for leaving your baby with a pothead. It's hard but if your strong enough then you can do it. Most kids that grow up in houses where there is drug use usually use drugs too when they get older..
    Kimberly71682

    Answer by Kimberly71682 at 5:38 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • First and foremost is the safety and security of your daughter! Is it right, in your eyes, to have him be responsible for your most valued treasure? That answer should be no, it's not about you right now it's about her. Do you have family you can move in with or if he should leave, someone who can move in with you to offset the bills. Material things can always be replaced! Your daughter can not and by him smoking pot this could lead to more dangerous things as well as the stress it puts on a child to see her parents fight. He needs to grow up and be responsible and maybe a break is the thing that will open his eyes to what he could possibly lose. GL
    Kathy675

    Answer by Kathy675 at 5:42 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • Honestly, I think that it is time for you to move on, and file for child support.

    Good luck; it seems like he is not the man you thought he was.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 5:43 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • I am so sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that he gets help if he wants to stay with you. The fact that he was doing this behind your back is trouble. He needs to respect you and take you serious. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Apparently he has a problem, maybe he cannot cope with stress, or he has deep pain inside he is trying to cover. Either way you cannot control his problems. He has to want to do this for himself. The risk of leaving the baby with him is something I most definitely would worry about. If he is willing to get help, then it will be up to you if you feel your relationship is worth saving. Eight years is a long time, but you have to have trust in the person you are with.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 5:45 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • I'm so upset. I don't want this shit in my house or anywhere near my daughter I knew he was smoking pot long ago when we got together but he told me he had quit three years ago for me. Stupid me beieved him. Now I'm going to have to kick him out and figure out what to do. I don't even have the strength to do that. Plus how am I going to pay the bills now? I don't have family here. It was only us three and now I find out he's been lying to me. I can't breathe thinking about how I trusted him every time I left the house to work. He says he only does it once in a while and only while she's sleeping but still. I'm lost at how a great guy who loves us so much would do something like that. I'm sick to my stomach.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:46 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • Is this worth a possible relocate for you? DO you have any family you could move in with temporarily until you get back on your feet in a new place?
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 5:52 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • I'd get a real sitter so he's not watching her again then I'd tell him to make a decision, family or pot. Maybe he'll choose family and you won't have to kick him out. Btw, you have to evict him. You can't throw a person out of their home especially if he is paying the bills and you aren't.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:57 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

  • I really don't have anyone here that could help. I am in nursing school and I haveabout a year left so I really don't want to have to relocate because I would have to start the whole program over again in another state. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm in school or work now. I can't afford daycare. I checked some places out. They all wany about $200 a week. I'm so stressed and confused right now. I obviously want to put my child's safety before anything else I just don't know how to realistically be able to do that right now on the drop of a dime. Fortunatly she is away until Thursday with family but that only gives me a couple days.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:59 PM on Feb. 27, 2011

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