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I verbally abuse myself. Help!

I don't know how to stop it. I was verbally abused by my mom from age 9 to 22... I was also verbally abused (as well as physically) from my son's father from 15-16 (almost 17 years old)... then my ex boyfriend was both as well from 19-21.

I've somewhat cut those three out of my life... my ex BF is out of my life... My son's dad didn't really care about DS (he's currently "interested" but is in rehab so hopefully being sober will help him)-- I dont have to worry about him for another few months though.... and my mom: i cut her out in Oct 2010.

Through all of that-- I'm now verbally abusing myself and I really don't know how to stop it, or change myself. I've tried motivational talk/thoughts, but it all goes back to degrading myself! "I have an amazing 5 year old son who's changed my entire life" can easily turn into "this 5 year old boy doesn't deserve you- you are a POS mom who cant do anything right!"

I'm finally ready to change it, but other than CM, i have no where else to go. I still live with my dad-- who didn't verbally abuse me (did physically, but that stopped at 15 years old) but he allowed my mom to.

Answer Question

Asked by Shy_Dia at 7:27 AM on Feb. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Level 15 (2,142 Credits)
Answers (4)
  • I'm so sorry. You need to change the self talk in your head to positive thoughts. Tell yourself you are a great mom. Your child needs a positive, strong, woman for a mom, etc. You might also want to read a couple of books about self actualization and/or seek some counseling. There are resources out there that you can take advantage of. Maybe start with a church pastor. Go to a good bookstore and browse for awhile. You don't have to buy if you don't want to. You can spend a lot of time just browsing. You might also consider doing a few hours of volunteer work. The more we give the more we receive. And it might be just enough to also show you the goodness in you. I wish you all the best.

    Answer by elizabr at 7:33 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • It is called negative self talk or self defeating thinking. But honestly I am not sure how to stop it or fix it. It is pretty common though specially in women who have been abused in the past. My therapist always told me to first get in the habit of catching when i am having those thoughts, to become aware of them. then she told me write them down and think about why am i thinking that , and why is it WRONG. to come up with all the positive reasons the negative thought is wrong. I dont know if this will help anyone else. but i know how miserable this type of thinking makes someone and i wish i could help you better. 


    Answer by Satiblue at 7:33 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • thanks. I hope finding a job will help- i'll be able to actually provide, pay my bills and buy the basic things we need... I wont be able to do volunteer work b/c i dont have anyone to watch DS. my dad wont (i dont want him to- and its in his culture to believe that once his kids are grown, his parenting is grown-- which is understandable)... and i dont really trust anyone else-- i have separation anxiety when away from DS.

    I'll try to keep a thought journal about it! maybe that'll help. i know it helps with my anxiety-- seeing it written down and realizing how crazy I am (a black hole will NOT come if me and DS go outside! lol) so maybe it'll help with my thoughts.

    thank you! =)

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 7:39 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Children "learn what they live". That's how you learned to do that. Now with that said, do you want your son to learn to do that and torment himself? I doubt it so train yourself to stop. You can use a form of Behavior Modification to change. Every time you hear the negative thought approaching quickly replace it with a good thought. It will take time but each time you look in to the eyes of your son you can get the strength to keep it up and make things better for him. Tell him great things about him and listen to them yourself. Talk to your own spirit at the same time you are talking to his. Help heal the little girl inside you that was hurt by those hurtful words so long ago. HUGS. You can do this. BTW you are not the only mom who has said these mean things to herself.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:01 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

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