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How can I make my step-daughter to understand

My husband and I got married 2 years a go after being together for 11 years. We waited until our teenage kids grew up and finished college. His 30 year old daughter who has her job and been living on her own for 4 years wants to have the key to our house. She has it and we agreed for her to call me before coming in. Yesterday she lashed out at me that I'm trying to change the dynamic of her family which has been very strong between dad and his 2 kids. I told her that the dynamic had changed the day her father and I got married and she needs to look into starting her own home and I would help her with a down payment to buy a house. Her reaction was very rude and told me that "she knows me well" and I should stop trying to luck her and her 26 year old brother out of their father's life. She wanted to come back home for 2 months just to save money but knowing her and her outrages spending habits I said NO! I told her that I will help her financially but she should not come back home because 2 women can't share a household and that would cause a lot of problems. My husband agrees with me but he says don't forget that at the end of the day she is my daughter. How can I make her to understand that this is not her house anymore?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:33 AM on Feb. 28, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • So, first she asked for the key to the house & now she wants to move in?

    I would say

    "Look, you guys are grown. You are not mine or your father's responsibility anymore. You're adults. We got married & maybe the dynamics did change, but that is what happens when you get married. You have to live together & compromise & create a NEW life that fits both parties. I apologize if our married life does not suit your needs, but it shouldn't have to. You are an adult & not your parents responsibility anymore. I am in no way trying to take you out of your fathers life, that is a ridiculous accusation."

    Or maybe, i would have her father tell her this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • first off she's an ADULT woman, second of all YOU shouldn't have to deal with this, your husband should, and he needs to stand behind you
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:40 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Wow, I'm hearing an older woman screaming "I finally married him now you don't have a place here". I'm with the dd. This is the exact reason there is a bad taste in the mouth of those who say StepMother.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • First of all I think your husband already made how he feels known. She is still his daughter. I have adult kids and I can tell you being a parent NEVER ENDS. There is no touch down, there is no home run, it goes on and on and on. It is indeed a life long comittment. My kids know they are welcome in my home any time. My husband is their step dad and doesnt agree with me on this some times. I told him coming in that I would never allow my kids to be homeless, or if they needed time back home they could come back anytime. Your husband and you have to have a better conversation about this and ask if exactly how he feels. Does he feel like I do? Does he think like you do>? From there you can tell him to go to his dd and tell her what you both came up with.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 10:47 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • I am sure you will not feel this way if it was your daughter, this house you claim not to be hers, is probably the one she grew up in, how in the world you could say is not hers is beyond me. You married her father yes, but that does not mean that the house and everything else is automatically yours and no one else's.
    older

    Answer by older at 10:46 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • That's your home as much as your Husbands so she needs to get permission from BOTH of you to enter the home no matter what. She doesn't need a key unless she's watching your home if you're out of town. I would insist on her giving back the key and if she has trouble with that then there's something going on. She should have respect for the fact that it's your home and she's a grown woman with her own life. Do you have a key to her home? I highly doubt it, so I would tell her that she needs to step back, and realize that she's not a child anymore.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 10:47 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • No, it is not her house but it is her father's house and I would be hurt if my new SM told me I was not welcome to stay in my father's home for 2 months if I needed to. You aren't starting a new family with your husband, you married into family that already exsisted without you
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 3:53 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Two women can live together in one home if one truly wants to make it work. If it were only for a couple of months I think I would stick it out and help her out. Just set ground rules and expectations if they are not met then tell her she is on her own. It sounds like you are determined for things not to work more than anything.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 11:13 AM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • To all those who cared for my question, thank you for your answers. It seems that a few didn't read all that I wrote. She is 30 not 18. 1-I said NO for her to come home for 2 months , but I offered to GIVE her the money that she claims she would have saved. 2- I offered a down payment (that would be a total of 15K between me and her dad) for her to buy a house 2 streets away to become a home owner, so why do you call me a bad step mother? 3-Yes, she grew up in this house but for all of us at one point of life when we create our own HOME, the house that we grew up in becomes "our parent's house" and not "our house" any more. 4- I have been a home owner for 20 years and I have rented othat house. I'm not the older woman who wants to grab the husband's house, I have my own. 5- My grown children have never said a word about me selling or renting the house they grew up in, they know that as long as I'm not dead, that is my house.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:23 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Dear JLS2388, this young woman has been on her own for 4 years. Her excuse for moving back for 2 months is to save money so if I'm paying her that amount there is no reason for it. This is where I draw the line, if adult children really need to come back home to get back on their feet they should but this case is different. When she finally graduated from college she lived here for more than a year when she already had a job in her field. Finally due to a huge fight with her brother and father she was kicked out. I wasn't even involved in that matter. She was supposed to save money and then get an apartment while living here for free but when her father told her to leave she didn't have a penny saved! Later on she admitted that it was very difficult for her to save up the security fee which we would have given it to her if we knew she had no savings!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:03 PM on Feb. 28, 2011