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How do I get daughter to understand her dad is using her to get to her moms?

As of yesterday, he has caused a huge wedge between my daughter and her step-mom (my wife)... she is 13y/o and the hormones that go with that alone are overwhelming... and Dad is zero help. He is a bully and a charmer to boot... I don't want to say bad things about her dad, I think its important they have a relationship, (she has expressed numerous times she doesn't need him), and now his latest stunt has caused her step-mom to tell me she's giving up.... I don't know how to encourage step-mom and keep the peace with my daughter too. We have a "happy house" typically but "dad" is succeeding in turning us upside down...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:23 PM on Nov. 20, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • my dad is a loser..I am 26 now, and my mom never bashed my dad in front of me. As hard as it is you can't tell her that, she's only going to resent you for it. She WILL figure out who her dad is on her own. It just may take a bit

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • As anon said above I know it's difficult but you do need to leave her to figure it out on her own, because she will, you just need to trust in that fact, I grew up in a household where my father bashed my mother in front of me alot, and when my mother started to tell me he was doing that I just completely started to despise her, obviously over time I realised i was being a bit idiotic, but you don't want her to feel torn between you, as he's obviously trying to make her feel. Just be there for her the best you can, carry on being a good mom and she will realise eventually.
    haleykarson

    Answer by haleykarson at 3:32 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • Wait...I am kind of confused? Moms as in two women in a relationship? That kind of gives me a better idea of what he could be putting in her head. Maybe you and step-mom can sit down and talk to her about what he is saying. If that doesn't work you ask her what he is saying or if it is something else. If you are in a lesbian relationship, she may very well be confused? He might be using her confusion to his advantage. You just have to talk to her and let her know that her family life is normal regardless of what he says. That you and her step-mom want what is best for her regardless of the non-traditional household. She will eventually grow up and realize what an ass her father was being.
    OneToughMami

    Answer by OneToughMami at 4:29 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • I kinda wondered the same thing? Thought maybe stepdad was on here?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:31 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • I'm so confused. Who are you, to the poster? Wouldn't that make you the dad??
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 5:24 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • Mom here, yes, lesbians, that is not the issue. Been a family for nearly 6 yrs. My ex. remarried 4yrs ago, his wife does not care for the kids. The past 6 mos, daughter has been accused of theft, lying & breaking into Dads (none true)Dad does nothing to defend.I have tried multiple times to communicate w/dad, asking/pleading for him to talk w/me about what is happening at his house, don't want to tell him how to be a dad, but would like to collaborate on why our daughter comes home in tears or calls begging to come home mid visit. He refuses to answer his phone, emails are replied with things like "received. Will take care of it here" or "Not your problem." nothing further.
    taryn6

    Answer by taryn6 at 6:09 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • con't....
    Yesterday AGAIN, dad had her disobey us. Looking for some suggestions on how to communicate positively to my daughter that just because she is safe at home with us and knows we love her unconditionally, that it is NOT okay to keep breaking the rules just because her dad says to do it because she's with him. *Sit: We had established a time for them to arrive to pick up things from the house. She calls, Dad wants to go by now. Both said no one is home, you have to wait. Her dad drove her over, told her hurry up get her stuff she did. If the situation reversed she would not even get into the car with us to go to his house if he said No

    Any suggestions now.. sorry its abbreviated a lot, was trying to edit to 1000 chars the first time :/
    taryn6

    Answer by taryn6 at 6:10 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • hmmm totally different than what I was thinking...that's like a million times worse :-(

    With that you might actually need to talk to a mediator. Since he won't openly talk to you maybe a mediator can MAKE him talk.
    OneToughMami

    Answer by OneToughMami at 11:44 PM on Nov. 20, 2008

  • I would take him back to court. He sounds unstable and like it's not a good environment for her at all. Write down everything, along with dates and times to take with you to court. Everytime she calls and wants to come home early, every time he says something bad about you and your SO, all of it. Try to prove him incompetent as a parent so you can get full custody.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 12:02 PM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • With the going home to get her stuff, she's 13 what is the big deal? As for the 2 mothers thing, he is probably sickened by the fact that you call your lesbian partner her step-mother. Has he tried to get full custody?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:39 PM on Nov. 21, 2008

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