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How do I handle my son's friend being at our house all of the time?

My son's friend is 20 and my son is 18 and still in high school. His friend comes over on Friday, after my son gets home from school and he stays the entire weekend. He doesn't even leave until 11-12 Sunday night. Last weekend my son had Thurs. and Mon. off of school and the friend was over almost continuously from Thursday -Monday. This past weekend, he even showered here and wore my son's clothes. Along with the weekends he has now started coming over during the week right after he's done with work at 3:30 and doesn't leave until 11-12 at night. (This wakes our dogs up and inturn wakes us up.) He doesn't pick anything up - he leaves dirty dishes and pop cans laying around, leaves used tissues all over the place, and leave the clothes he's dirtied on my son's floor. Finally, last night at 5:30 I was setting the table for dinner and told my son to come to the table and told the friend he needed to leave. I wasn't mean about it - just said it was time to go. He got upset and left without saying goodbye to anyone. I also woke him up at 2:00 yesterday afternoon and asked him to help my son clean up the basement that they messed up. He took all of this very personally and my son and my husband tried to make me feel like I was out of line. Please help with any suggestions....

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nonibud

Asked by nonibud at 1:17 PM on Feb. 28, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • just put a time limit for friends to be over. Just like you would put a time limit for going out with friends.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 1:18 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • I think you are fine in how you handled it. I think you need to also take it up with your son. Tell him he can have guests until 9 pm on week nights and that you want to have X number of nights just eating as a family. I would also tell him that you will be talking to his friend about picking up after himself. I would tell him you dont mind him having company but you expect a certain amount of respect and you wont be their maid.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 1:21 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Your husband needs to help you out here. How long has this been going on? If we're talking two weeks, then it should be easy to set a schedule. If it's a month or more, then you're going to get some backlash. I would tell my son what the schedule is and that if he doesn't help enforce it, then I'm going to call the friend's mother. If everyone goes batshit crazy and I'm left holding the bag, then I would inform my husband that if I'm not in charge of my own home, then I'm not going to run it anymore. I would move in to the guest room and refuse to do laundry, cook meals, clean up or grocery shop. I'd get a job and walk out every day at 7 am. LOL
    charlottej

    Answer by charlottej at 1:22 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • I would talk to your son and see what is going on with his friend. It sounds to me like the friend has no where else to go and he feels comfortable at your house. I think if you don't want him there then you need to explain this to your son and set the limits of when he can and can't be there. I would also make sure the friend knows the rules at your house. Like making sure they pick up after themselves and that sort of thing.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 1:25 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • They're not dating, right? It just sounded kinda strange that he would stay over that much...

    But anyway, just make sure he knows the rules and talk to them. Maybe explain that you just want some family time but give him certain times that he's welcome. Also be sure to specify that he needs to pick up after himself. Just be like, in the this house we all pick up our clothes and what not.
    erinwhitt

    Answer by erinwhitt at 1:31 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • Sounds like one of two things...he either has no place to go or they are dating. I would talk to your son about how much he is there and ask him why.

    I would just set some ground rules about how much he is ther. Or if he is goign to be there there that much he has to help around the house.
    choco_mom

    Answer by choco_mom at 2:35 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • I am going to second what others have said. Set some rules. If it's okay that he is there as long as he is helpful, tell him that. Explain that he is welcome, but that you will not clean up after him and that if he is going to go home, it has to be by a certain time at night. Otherwise, he needs to pay rent. Make a list of chores or things he needs to be doing if he is there that often.
    kemclaughlin

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 3:21 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

  • It does sound like dating doesn't it? No, the friend brings his girlfriend that he's been dating for 2 yrs over too but she isn't over every day and she leaves at a reasonable hour. My son also said that his parents lost their house and now they live in a tiny place where there is no place for his friend to get away.

    Thanks for the responses everyone. I will set some rules. I'll have to think about it more but I will set a time limit on how long he can stay over on week nights, maybe one sleep over on the weekend, and make sure before he or anyone else leave that they clean up after themselves.

    Charlottej - Love your response! If I quit taking care of everything then my husband would get fed-up too.
    nonibud

    Comment by nonibud (original poster) at 6:57 PM on Feb. 28, 2011

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