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As a friend, is this wrong?

I'm going to visit a friend this weekend who just had her first baby. I spoke with her on the phone and she told me that her bf and her had a big fight because he was questioning the baby's paternity. She insists that he's the father, but I know her pretty darn well considering that I've known her my whole life. She has a history of lying BIG lies & heavily flirting with the guy he's suspicious of. She even made a fb profile under the suspected man's last name while pregnant with her bf's child. I don't believe that she's 100% sure, but I didn't tell her that because I don't want to insult her. During our conversation, I told her that they sell DNA tests at the drug store and she could easily shut him up with that. My exact words were "You can slap him in the face with the results when they prove him wrong." but I think there's a possibility that her bf could be right about the paternity. I feel really strongly about women being unsure of who the father of their child is but not saying anything. If she really did cheat, it would be sooo wrong of her to continue to lie to him and have him raise the baby on his dollar.

Would it be wrong if, in the event that the subject comes up, I tell them to get a DNA test at the drug store to find out. But I plan on suggesting it under the impression that I believe her and it's for her benefit to shut him up, but really I have his best interest in mind. I don't want to be a bad friend, but I also don't want to stand idle while a friend does something that could be so wrong. My rationalization is that even if I'm wrong & he's the father, he'll just be quiet & finally trust her. But if it proves he's not the father, at least the truth will be out and he can make a decision with the full knowledge of the situation. I feel like suggesting it is the right thing to do, but I just don't want to be the meddling friend. It is just bugging me so much that I know something and I'm not speaking up for what's right.


Asked by rAbella at 2:04 AM on Mar. 1, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,306 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • You're a good person wanting to do what's right whether its easy or not. Yeah its her life, but its not her right to hide something that serious, if nothing else for the child.

    From the sounds of it, it may get bad enough that they'll end up splitting and child-support will get involved in the paternity anyway. As for now I think you're going about it the right way. I'd suggest the drug store test in front of both of them. Then its brought to both of their attentions that its an option. If she's so sure its his then what does she have to loose huh?

    Answer by KlieneMutter at 3:31 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • Either way, do it for the child. That baby deserves to know who the REAL father is...


    Answer by Razelda at 2:11 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • Get your friend to do it - but you do it for her, for the baby, and through her - not through her bf. You never go behind someone's back if you expect that person to continue being friends with you. Do whatever it takes to try to get her to do the right thing - and if she refuses, then let it go. it's her problem, not yours. You can't change it, and if you go behind her back, chances are she will hate you and you'll be miserable. Regardless of what is right and what is wrong, it is NEVER right to interfere in someone else's relationship that way. It has the potential to ruin lives.

    Answer by FluffyMamaBunny at 2:20 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • If the subject comes up when you're there visiting then it's fair game to say what you think.

    I wouldn't bring it up myself but if they start talking about it in front of you, or if he mentions it to you himself or whatever, then by all means say that the drug store sells paternity tests.

    You're not being a bad friend by stating a fact or by telling the truth.
    If she's lying about it then she's the one being the bad friend by putting you in that position in the first place.

    Answer by Laila-May at 2:22 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I had to be that friend too and lost a friend but I feel peace me mind knowing I didn't just let it happen.

    Answer by Heidikans at 2:10 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I'm witth coffee its her choice and if he isnt going to get a DNA test on his own, which he can do then don't say a word about this.

    Answer by whoreallycares at 3:31 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • this is absolutely none of your business. you did what you ought to as a friend - you suggested the dna test. it's up to her to go and get it. you shouldn't say anything to your friend or her bf about it. you have done exactly what a friend should. anything else would be meddling in another's relationship, and that is wrong.
    remember that you are going to visit her to help with the baby. don't do anything other than that. don't be an even bigger burden. don't cause drama. if they have big, huge, screaming fights at each other in front of you - it's none of your business. help with the baby. that's it
    you're a good person for wanting to help, but don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong. g/l

    Answer by AngryBob at 6:17 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • The simple answer is when they start bitching about this again, and you know they will, tell them to go get a god damn DNA test. Otherwise they can shut up and live with doubts but you don't want to hear them complain if they don't do what they know they need to do. That's all you got to do. Don't buy a test, don't do anything beyond telling them to test or shut up and deal.

    Answer by isabellalecour at 11:06 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • IMO if it is brought up i front of you, dont say anything. If she is havig a private conversation with you, and she brings it up with you, suggest it again. And like you said, it is more so to shut him up. She is your friend, so you need to believe her until proven wrong. If she refuses the drug store test, tell her that this isnt something she can avoid. Her BF will eventually get one. He will not stand by and pay for this child for life, if he has doubts. And its best for the baby that she does. So her BF can have no doubts in his mind, and fully commit to being the father. Both, her BF and baby, have the right and deserve to know for sure. And ask her why she doesnt want to test. She might tell you...
    But if she lies to your face about this, and you find out later, i wouldnt be friends with her. If she cant be honest with you, whats the point of being friends. Yu can only support her if she is honest.
    Good luck.

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 2:08 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • who cares it's her life, butt out.

    Answer by coffeeyum at 2:23 AM on Mar. 1, 2011