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4 Bumps

Letting Go sucks!

My daughter who is 19, has been on her own since she was 17. I re-married a little over 5 years ago and still have one at home. Since she moved out and only three houses down, I have been there for her (enabling her I'm sure) and have been hurt, frustrated and emotionally battered. It's time to cut the cord.
My problem is she is just down the road, she works at the same place I do, and we live in a very small town. I'm pulling the tough love thing starting NOW and need some advise on how to NOT get involved when I see her on a constant basis.

Answer Question
Tija L.

Asked by Tija L. at 2:30 AM on Mar. 1, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (14 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • If there's any way you can avoid having to work with her (by changing jobs, or at least changing your hours so you're on different shift), I would do that ASAP. If not, then you'll just have to set your healthy emotional boundaries and stick to them no matter what. For example, if one of your enabling weaknesses is giving her money, just vow to yourself and tell her that you will no longer give her money, and then stick to that boundary.

    Answer by vicesix at 8:47 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I gave this advice to another person asking a question.. I think it applies here also..

    However.. I would suggest you send them a certified letter.. WHICH THEY MUST SIGN TO RECEIVE.. And inform them that YOU raised them to have better manners than that.. And are entirely offended at their lack of manners, respect for others and generally their lack of familial responcibility.. and Until they write you back you aren't inviting them to anything.. AND THEN DON'T.

    That means you may have a few lonely thanksgivings.. and a few lonely christmas's.. Until they understand that your not playing with them... That as adults there is a bare minimum.. and common curtasy is the minimum required. I would BE VERY SPACIFIC IN THAT LETTER ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS.. Because if they don't know they can't follow them... And I hope your child come arround.. QUICKLY!

    But also realize that sometimes a good talk.. and LOVE is the best

    Answer by 2boys4momma at 9:15 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I don't give her money but I do have some things that I have asked her to take care of that she hasn't. For example, closing her bank account and opening a new one without my name on it. (Had a joint account since she was 16) Taking her phone out of our name, and also a car. I will be taking care of these things today since she has refused to do so.
    As for work, I can shut myself off to that and have done so. It's just hard in a small town because people come to me and tell me things she is doing or saying all the time. I sometimes just want to scream out that I'm staying out of it and everyone needs to shut up and leave me alone.
    She is a cronic liar and is constantly trying to stir the pot with me and my other daughter for attention. It's not just hurtful when she says the things she says but worse when others come and tell me what I have "done" to her is wrong. Everyone needs to just butt out.
    Tija L.

    Comment by Tija L. (original poster) at 9:37 AM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I feel your pain as I am going through a difficult time with my 18 yr old. I think working and living near each other presents a special type of difficulty for you as I believe you just need a separation for some time. I'm so tired of people who judge and say "she's just being a typical teenager" - okay well if I don't teach this typical lazy teenager to be a productive member of society who will and the same applies here. You DONT have to accept this behavior. My daughter is also a chronic liar and manipulator and just because you gave birth to doesn't mean you accept all they do - you may lover her but that doesn't mean continuing to enable bad behavior and just accept it. Create that emotional distance, not because you are "done with her" but let her know in some way she has violated boundaries as a daughter, you do not accept her disrespectful behavior towards you and until she can respect you as a human being you

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • con't ....cannot have her in your life. Would you advise someone to stay in an emotional abusive marriage? No? Well why is it as mothers we project this guilt on other mothers of staying in an emotionally abusive relationship with a child? Some people are just born to lead a difficult life and can't learn like some kids - they must experience life to learn. Stay strong and STOP enabling! Good luck!

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 12:28 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • This is me again, but under a different profile. Thanks for the advise, Tinker. It's so much harder than I expected all this too be. I miss her so much. Haven't talked with her since monday, exept for an email message. I told her excactlly what you said up there even before I got to read your message. I did tell her that if she was a friend of mine, she would no longer be my friend. She commands that I "respect" her, but how the heck do you respect someone when they haven't done anything to earn that respect. I won't ever let her know it, but all this is driving me crazy. I need to find something to get my mind off it, really. My anti-depressants aren't working.

    Answer by taximom42 at 1:47 AM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • BUMP...

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 7:51 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • Me and my mom are still best friends. I call her everyday and we go out all the time. Maybe some sapce for now, but don't cut completely. She'll need you always.

    Answer by TwilightMack at 9:39 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

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