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Do i ask about her, or just wait and see what happens

my husband and I are visiting his long lost family..been separated for many, many years...he is finding closure with everything, mending wounds, everyone is growing closer etc. well par tof this does mean bringing up old memories. He had a girl when he was a teen that he had love towards, from what he said in the past it was realy special to him but she didn't reciprocate from what I heard. well just recently I go online and he was already logged into stuff , but I didnt realize it was his account on the site and I go into messages and said who is this girl messaging me? some stranger? i read it and was going wtf? this makes no sense, then i looked at sent and realized that my husand found this girl online, the messages are vague, but it is obvious their is some history and his last message said "this is dangerous, i didnt expect you to respond so nice to me. I'll talk to you later, please" and in my heart I KNOW this is that woman from his past....i trust him, he's a good man....a good enough man that even if he still loved her and she was the #1 love and I was 2nd....just cause of our years together and family, he would not go to her...but he would still love her. I can't be #2...its not fair to me or to him. Should I ask him calmly about all of this, or just wait quietly for a bit and see if he comes to me? He is huge on honesty and I know he would feel very deceived and hurt if I talked to an ex of mine that I had intense feelings for back in the day...so do I bring it up nicely or stay hush for a bit? The fact that he wrote, this is dangerous....hurts because why would it be dangerous unless the feelings were their

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on Mar. 1, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • These feelings can be awfully powerful to a man, to feel loved, to feel like a kid again. It does things to them that sometimes make their brains not work properly. Sit down and talk to him, no accusations, just ask him for that honesty and take it from there. He may just need closure on this issue too.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 9:59 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I agree with amybaby_19. SInce he's big on honesty tell him what YOU did and what you found and ask for the same honesty in return. Keep in mind that he may be very vulnerable right now so try to be gentle. IF (big if) there is more going on than meets the eye wouldn't you rather know now than be blindsided or eaten away by what-if's?
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 10:03 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • I would ask him about it. The longer yu keep in in the more it is going to bother you. And if he is big on honest why has he not came to you about it? And honestly, i am not trying to scare you, but him saying "this is dangerous" is not a good sign, so stop him before he does something stupid or confront him that way you dont get hurt even more
    arkelly2188

    Answer by arkelly2188 at 10:13 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • my ex) we had moved back to his hometown. Pretty much his HS GF he contacted on FB and she told him that she didn't want to see him, she was happily married-what happened in the past stayed in the past. WELL it DIDN'T. She happens to be friends still with his sister who they all happen to go out drinking on Fri nights ( yep while mommy is home with the children... HE ALWAYS hadan excuse he HAD to stop out there on Fri's. sometimes late coming home, SAT AFTERNOON coming home!

    I WOULD bring it to his attention easy about his feelings for her.. (maybe not so much that you seen it at first unless he lies) * my case I found out through his ex wife that HE had asked her for a 3 some with this same HSgf and that HSgf's hubby would be there too.* Don't under estimate old flames.(of course we are over now) but I too recently got MARRIED to my HSBF now after 20 yrs ... TRUE intense love doesn't go away, no matter who gets hurt
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 10:26 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • What you did was an honest mistake. My dh leaves his fb up all the time, I read something a mutual friend has posted and I comment. I then have to repost something letting them know it's me lol. So just tell him you thought it was your page, opened a message you thought was yours and after reading it you realized what you had done. And after reading it, you are concerned about the messages contents. Open the door, keep it calm and don't accuse. Let him know you love him, and you need to know if anything is going on.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:33 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • If he is big on honesty why did he not tell you he found this "lost love" online? Honesty isn't just about speaking lies, you can't be an honest person is you hide things and keep secrets either. The fact that he said this is dangerous would suggest it is something he does not intend to tell you about and it also sounds as if they aren't having a casual conversation either. I'm not saying you're wrong, its very possible your husband will stay with you but do you really want him to stay only because you've been together for so long and have a family together? Like you said it isn't fair to you to be #2 so in my opinion this is something you shold bring up to him, explain to him how you found the message and that it was an honest mistake but that he is the one with some explaining to do. Do not let him turn it around on you, as most men do, because you did nothing wrong.
    momof2inCT2007

    Answer by momof2inCT2007 at 10:46 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

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