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2 Bumps

Any suggestions on how to prove that my ex-husband screwed up our 6 year old? I know my word alone won't go far. He is ruining my baby and the relationship I have with her. (Sorry about the long story)

My kids were 18 months and 3 months old when their father left, he showed up a couple times a month but usually only after the girls were already in bed (and he knew they were in bed) and then about 9 months later he stopped "trying" to work on our marriage when he moved 4 states away to be with another woman. For 11 months he had no contact with our children or me, then all of a sudden he wanted to be a father again but only to our older daughter - he had no interest in our younger one because she was still learning to talk and he knew she was a mommy's girl whereas our older daughter has always had a very independent attitude about her, she was never found of being held for long periods of time and she hit all her milestones months before the average mark. Up until this point I wasn't able to get a set custody agreement, I dragged my feet filing the papers due to the depression of raising two babies alone with no support from family or friends, and because the court was trying to track him down (I didn't have his address, just a cell phone number) well he had occasionally taken our older daughter to visit with his parents (since they pretty much forgot about them too, except my ex-FIL - he asked about them and sent them gifts) and one day he was suppose to bring her back and it turns out he took her and went back home and because there was no set visitation I had to wait until a judge ruled in order to get custody of her back. It took over a year to get her back, during that time I saw her maybe six times - he'd violate the temporary custody order by not giving me the agreed visitation but then it took months to get the court to look at the paper work for every violation. I feel like I lost the connection we had and even though I've had her back now for several years her father continues to screw with her head - she is afraid of his girlfriend, she has it in her head that if she says something that might upset him he'll think she doesn't love him, he grills her about me and my fiance and of course she tells him whatever she thinks he wants to hear. She recently told some serious lies about me to make him happy and now he's threatening to fight me for custody again and he isn't above petty he said/she said bullshit with cps or the court either. He has her so screwed up that she's beginning to resent the close relationship I have with her sister, I try to spend as much one on one time with her as possible but she's incredibly disrespectful after spending the weekend at her dad's and when I discipline her she tells me she knows I don't love her and it breaks my heart to hear her say such things. Her sister is a handful and she can be a brat to her big sister, like many younger siblings are, but when her sister tries to be sweet or simply apologize to her my older daughter throws it back in her face and the cycle of their bickering starts again (I'd say lately they get along only 40% of the time). Today we spent it having fun, both the girls got pretty much everything they asked for but because I wouldn't hold her while she fell asleep she started saying I didn't love her or care about her again. She doesn't know when to stop with the whining, running her mouth, overall disrespect and if she gets yelled at or told to stand in time out she flies into an emotional breakdown. She is starting therapy tomorrow but I'm scared because for all I know her father could have told her to tell the counselor all the lies she thought up about me, and I know she won't say one bad thing about him because he drilled it into her head that she is not allowed to talk to anyone (especially me) about him, his girlfriend, or their home and she's terrified is she speaks about it he'll get mad at her. A few times she let things slip to me and begged with tears in her eyes for me not to tell her father that she told me. She was always more of a daddy's girl and he's already turned her love for him into something horrible, he's using it to screw with her head and ruin the amazing child she was and I pray will be again. I'm terrified she'll continue in this pattern and that any kind of close relationship for us will be lost, I had a horrible relationship with my mom and my worst fear is to have the same relationship with my daughters that I had with my mother.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:50 PM on Mar. 1, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (16)
  • Counsleors and therapists have a way of getting truth from kids. let her / him know upfront what your issues or concerns are and see what they can do to help you all... I can't imagine going through this with an ex as horrible.. good luck
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 11:55 PM on Mar. 1, 2011

  • Counselors also can submit documents to court The judge takes them seriously. Shop around for a counselor that specializes in treating children, if you havent already and if your not satisifed with the first counselor its ok to look for another one. Been there and done all of that. good luck
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 12:01 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I am so sorry you been having to deal with all this nonsense. All you can do is been a loving mom that's all don't yell don't accuse don't do anything but show love and affection. Pray alot too.
    amparoortega

    Answer by amparoortega at 12:03 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Also, although I was told by the judge and in the orders that I wasnt to talk about my ex in front of the children, behind a counselors closed doors with my children, we where able to get a lot of frustration out and talk about things, now mind you that I said, we where in the presence of the counselor.

    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 12:04 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • WOW- it sounds like all of you have been through Alot! especially, your 6 year old- You are doing the Best Thing you can do for her by getting her into Therapy; Don't Worry about what she says in therapy- Psychologist know how to deal with this kind of Abuse- ( that's what her Dad is doing- Emotionally Abusing her!) they will pick up that she is covering things up about him or she is Scared to talk about him- i hope things get better really soon- Wishing you lots of luck-

    daisyb

    Answer by daisyb at 12:06 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • tell here no matter what that you love her each day 2/47 she needs to hear from you she is only 6yrs old and her dad and his girlfriend has done number on her .it will take time even yrs just hang in there mom you are not a lone ,
    and she is lashing out she wants to tell everything but she is affraid what her dad will do to her tell her no matter what she says's that he will never find out even if you have tape it bring to your lawyer
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 12:09 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Thank you for the advice so hard, its just so hard to deal with knowing that my kids are truly the most amazing things I have in life and I don't want them going through another court battle but I have to live with the fear of what my ex will say or do to get his way - in the beginning I use to beg him to be a father because I thought it was important for my girls to have their dad in their lives but if I had known he'd do these things I would have immediately filed papers to have his rights terminated. Some people don't deserve to be parents; he's already given up trying to be a dad to our younger daughter, she doesn't want to go to his apartment and he's said he isn't going to force her but doesn't give our 6 year old a choice which only makes her more resentful of her little sister and even when I say to my younger daughter "Will you please go to daddy's, Jenna needs you." she'll agree to go but her father won't take her
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:15 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • He says she does nothing but misbehave when she's there and doesn't want to be. Right now my 5 year old couldn't care less that she doesn't spend time at her father's, though she does want to see him - she just doesn't want to spend the night at his place which makes me worry more. He blames me and says I must let them get away with everything whereas he disciplines them and that's why they don't want to be there but the real question is what the hell is going on there that makes them not want to be there? My 6 year old told me one time her father told her to "babysit" her 2 year old half-sister so he could take a nap (it was just him and the two children in the apartment) and he got pissed at her when she kept waking him up because the baby was getting into stuff. She also says he makes her rub his feet - he vehemently denied he makes her but she hates rubbing back, feet, arms etc and I think thats why.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:20 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I am going through this myself. Only now I for almost 3 weeks have had no contact not even phone with my children. they are 4 & 6. although my attorney's made it very clear that HE HAS out of spite disconnected the phone, told the children they'd NEVER see me again. and that HE IS IN CONTEMPT OF COURT NOW..... that was on the 25th. Still waiting to hear SOMETHING BACK. ( we can chat IM if you ever need to. Its the biggest struggle of my life and I wonder how my children will get through all of this emotional, belt spanking, isolating situation. You can physically see the damage that he is doing to them in pictures. (that his friends send to me by email cause HE WONT. He said I have no rights to know anything about my children. So hit me up sometime.
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 12:20 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • He insists that if the things she says about me are "supposedly" untrue than obviously she is making up stories about him too but she has no reason to be afraid to tell me things, I don't confront her father with the things she says because I don't want her to go back to not telling me anything, and instead I look for any kind of proof I can find but he knows if I found something concrete I wouldn't hesitate to run to the court house with it so he's careful. I don't grill her about her father or his life, if she wants to talk to me about it she does. I've never once gotten upset with her about anything she has told me and even the stories that she told about me which stung right in the heart because they're lies I did not get mad at her. I know she doesn't want to see me sad but I tell her all the time its not about me, or her father, it's about her happiness.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:24 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

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