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How do you tell an alcoholic narcissist you're leaving?

i've been telling him we're done for years now, but something always happens... mostly he glosses it over and pretends it never happened or he'll act all depressed and trick my inner caregiver. he'll be all nicey nice for a week or so (if that) and then boom back to normal. i'm done with excuses, his and mine. but i can't lie and pretend i'm not a little nervous. it's like walking on eggshells around him anyway. i don't think he would be a bad weekend father because small increments of our 3 young kids are pretty much all he can handle anyway. so though i'd love for them to be with me 24/7, i've got to find a way to afford to be on my own (he's been very controlling about money, my working, we have only one car) so i don't want to cause a huge rift that will make co-parenting difficult and nasty, but i just want this roller coaster of obsession, anxiety, stress, demeaning, lazy, aggressive, controlling, confusing behavior to stop hurting all of us.

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:33 AM on Mar. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Straight forward and to the point. But I would wait until you solve all the kinks!

    Answer by older at 10:34 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Just do it. Don't tell him until the day before you have your plans set. It's harder to be manipulated when you have all your ducks in a row. Then don't look back.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 10:35 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • You pack up and move when he is gone. Leave a straight forward letter.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Best thing to do is get proof that he's an alcoholic and that it has been going on for years. (maybe an argument or secretly record him and his behavior) I guarantee you that as soon as you leave the person he is will change thus making it hard for u to move on with your life. Don't get one days worth get a couple of weeks worth. Say and record things like "when is this gonna stop" or "when do you stop drinking to take care of the kids" ask him questions that will get him to tell on himself. And if he's a controlling alcoholic like you say don't tell him your plan to leave, just do it. Explain later when you and kids are somewhere safe. Good luck to you!

    Answer by prissysayshi at 10:44 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • this is very hard , can you tell him get out , if have to call police to have him removed , get a restraing order to him be removed , he is probly the kind of guy that will fight all this huh ,
    whats keeping him there ? stop doing things for him etc.. dont give him a reason to stay because he has it so good -- i know how this goes - its all hard i feel for you ,
    if hes abusive in ways - he would have to be - use that to get him removed-- i know thats easy for me to say and i know all the shit that comes with this , BUT im sure its way past time to get your kids out of this situation and yourself , just go for it if your affraid of what hes going to do to you and your belonging call and get a sheriff there when you tell him to leave permanantly- this can be done , but be carefull because your kids could be taken from you for letting them be in this enviournment , call legal aid maybe to get some answers , good luck .

    Answer by letstalk747 at 10:46 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • he's not physically abusive to me. he will occasionally spank the kids. the dogs get the brunt of it. it's mostly the emotional and psychological stuff you don't notice at first and the fact that my children are occasionally mimicking his behavior that has me to this point (finally). as for the alcohol he is an extremely high functioning alcoholic. he's actually worse with his behavior when sober, though not any better while drunk. so i don't feel like i can get any sort of law enforcement involved.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:51 AM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Tell him?? I wouldn't say a thing, I would pack up you and your kids things and leave, then tell him. And if he wants to have shared custody he can file the paperwork, from what it sounds like maybe he can start with visitation visits that are supervised to make sure he can handle it. You need an exit plan/ make sure you have a place and things set up before you tell him. I also would not have the children around if you're set on leaving him face to face. Best of luck.

    Answer by lexi8622 at 1:59 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I would leave without saying one word to him. Make all your plans, carefully remove the minimum stuff you will need and when he leaves one morning for work you get up fill up the car and go. Don't forget to leave the letter you've written in advance.

    Answer by meooma at 2:31 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Pack and GO. Put all your ducks in a row and hire a lawyer. Tell him NOTHING... let the lawyer do all the telling.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:23 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • i don't have a car, the money for a lawyer or enough money for rent (though i've been applying for jobs and think i got one. fingers crossed) otherwise i think i may have left a while ago

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:49 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

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