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11 Bumps

So, since I am the mother in law, I guess I have to be the bad guy.

I am tired of being nice, doing everything I can, and then having it thrown back in my face, and being treated like I am just some overbearing, nosy pest.

My son and daughter in law moved in with me a little less than a year ago to try and save money up for their first house, and since they were expecting I could help them out ( babysitting and so they would have a little extra money to buy the baby things) ...

There are some times when I am so happy that they live with me, I love spending time with my grandaughter and I love my son and daughter in law very much. My husband passed away a few years ago, and my daughter ( oldest) lives in another town with her husband and my other grandkids ( I still get to see them once or twice a week though) .... So it does make me happy when I dont have to come home to an empty house.

That being said, I really feeling taken advantage of some times.

- When they first moved in we turned one room into the nursery, one room for them and the other extra room I already had in use for my other grandkids ( a playroom ) . Now, every room in the house is overtaken by my daughter in laws stuff , my other grandkids cant even go into the playroom because it is literally packed with her boxes . Even my room has her stuff in it. It just seems to happen little by little , I will come home and some of my stuff will be off the wall and things she got will be hung up and it is really just starting to bug me. And now my daughter in law is mad that I am not "making her feel at home"

- I pay for everything, which I never intended on them paying rent or anything like that, but it is to the point to where I buy the diapers, baby food , clothes , I bought the crib and all of her furniture ... I also planned on buying my grandaughter things, but I think this is kind of crazy, especially consdiering my son makes almost the same amount of money I do and he only has car payments ( for both bars it is less than $500 / month) ... My daughter in law is constantly buying herself new things , going tanning, getting her nails and hair done.... but yet if I imply something about not being able to spend as much of my money she gets upset because " I make her feel guilty , and she cant take time for herself"

- Her "not being able to take time for herself" also goes for when I say I cant watch my grandaughter..... It has gotten to an almost daily thing... When I get up in the morning and my daughter in law is still sleeping ( son already at work) and the baby is crying in her crib * I * have to balance feeding her and getting myself ready for work... When I get home from work she wants me to watch the baby so she can take a nap or go out with her friends, at the same time I need to clean ( because she doesnt at all ) and make supper .... If I say that I am too tired she starts to whine and tells me how hard it is to stay home with her all day

But I honestly think the thing that bugs me the most is...... She will have people over alot of times ( her friends or her family members) , and acts like I do nothing for the baby... If I say or ask her something in reference to the baby ( like the other day when i asked what she had for lunch since I was trying to decide what was for supper) ... well she got an attitude and acted like * I * have never fed her or had no idea what she ate.... I even overheard her once telling her friend that i try and act like the baby is mine because I always leave the carseat in my car ( but she hardly ever has taken the baby anymore).. this is from the girl who had to ask me what size diapers the baby wore when she went to the store...

My son works 14 hour days and I honestly think he doesnt know how she acts , the way she does in front of her friends - that is how she acts with him to... if you would ask my son he probably think that the only time I am ever alone with the baby is when they have their "date night"

I feel stuck, i cant really say anything to my son about it because I feel he is just so blind in love that he cant see her imperfections.... and the way she is I cant talk to her about it ( everytime that I have, she gets defensive and denies everything) and then she is in such a bad mood that she is even worse to be around .... I have seriously considered spending more time out of home ( going to more activites or spending more time with other family and friends) but I dont want to have to feel that way about my own home....

What would you do ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on Mar. 2, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (24)
  • I would take her things down and put them in HER room.  You don't move in with someone and then try to set up 'home' in THEIR house.  That is just so rude to me.  I would lay down some law.  It sounds to me like she turns things around because she already KNOWS that you aren't going to push the issues.  You are doing more than enough and should be being thanked not ran over!


    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 11:09 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • Make a list of everything you do in a week. Then have a talk with her again and when she tries to bring up that "you do nothing" pull it out. Don't throw it in her face, but show her, and maybe she'll realize that she's being a little ridiculous. If not, have a talk with your son. There is no denying that you are being taken advantage of and it is not right. I'd put my foot down someway somehow. Good luck. It seems like you really do have the best intentions at heart and I commend you for that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:11 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • time for a honest sit down at the kitchen table with husband and daughter in law. Have all the facts on paper - budget etc, time for caring..
    let it all out . I assume your other daughter thinks you are being unfairly treated?? get her to come and advocate for you. Stay calm but getsome rules written up about expectations - you have raised your kids and there is no excuse for not providing for themselves if she off at the tanning salon. And although you say your son has no idea, he sure knows whats in his bank account and how fine his wife is looking. He is chosing to not know or notice, and it's time you pointed it out. You need to stand up for yourself.

    Answer by myheartx4 at 11:13 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I say you sit her and your son down and talk about all of it. If you do it just with her, shell complain about being attacked by you and might turn your son against you. When you sit them down, lay down the law, maybe compromise a little where necessary. If that doesnt work, just plain out stop doing stuff for her, when the baby is awake, knock on her door and let her know "her" baby is awake and you need to go. GL

    Answer by leksismommy at 11:14 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I would have a family "meeting". Sit both of them down and calmly explaining how you feel. Set rules, chores, expectations, etc. of them. I know that they are trying to save money and them not having to pay rent or utilities should already be saving them some money; so it is not unreasonable for you to expect to them to buy the diapers, baby food, etc. the majority of the time. I would also suggest a storage building for DIL's things, it is your house. It is time to take it back.

    Answer by mommy_jules at 11:18 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I would tell them to leave.

    Answer by jewjewbee at 11:20 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • You shouldn't have to feel like you need to leave your house to have 'you' time. If I were you , I think that I would have a sit down talk with her, and explain to her how important it is that a mother have so much time with their child. It sounds like she's pretty immature, and yes, totally taking advantage of you. I would explain to her that you need to relax after work, and sometimes being guilted into watching your granddaughter, doesn't make you feel very good. Explain that you dont mind helping them, but her things all over your house make you feel like you're not at home anymore. Maybe suggest a storage unit, or attic space for her boxed items. I would keep a little journal of the times you watch your GD, and the questions that his wife has to ask you because she isn't sure. Then maybe bring it up to your son, when you have your journal handy. Good luck

    Answer by katieandchris01 at 11:23 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I would tell them it's time to move out...PERIOD.

    She is being disrespectful to you and your home. This isn't suppose to sound like a rude comment, but it might so bear with me here. You are allowing her and your son to walk all over you, by not saying something sooner. If she was still sleeping when the baby is crying, I would get up, I would let that baby fuss a minute and if she still didn't hear her or go to her, then I would bring the baby TO her.

    I would immediately remove the boxes and have your son help you, explain that you feel like you are being pushed out of your house and that we need a clearer division of my home and your space that I am allowing you to use. Your daughter in law needs to be put in her place! In front of her friends, if she makes any snide comments, I would toss them right back at her with a list of all the things you have done for her. Cont-

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 11:32 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • lol....or......tell her that you would love nothing more than for her to get a full time job and you can stay at home all day with your grand daughter, being you're always expected to anyways! I'm sure she wont be ready to go out and job

    Answer by katieandchris01 at 11:34 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I was all set to be against you, but after reading all the way through your post I agree with everyone else. You're being taken advantage of horribly and it's time to stop this now. You have already raised your kids, you should NOT have to start all over again with another generation.

    Like most others have said, sit them down with hard data about what you do, what you expect of them, and BE FIRM. They are in your house at your sufferance and it's time to take your house back from the brat of a DIL you have.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:35 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

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