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Some advice on Biological Father back in the picture (long)

A little background...My DD is now 18 years old and I have recently just gave her the information regarding her biological father. (name, location, etc). Please understand it is not that I have keep this information from her for 18 years, but he never was interested in my DD. The last time the BF(biological father) seen my DD, she was 18 months old.

Well, she has contacted her BF and they have talked, texted everything. Honestly, I have to say that I am very surprised about his reaction especially after all these years, but I am very happy for my DD. BF and me have even spoken on the phone several times, and things have been very nice between us.

Well...here is the shocker...the BF just informed me that he is going to be in my state in a couple of weeks and would like to come and see my DD. She would like see him and I am excited for her, but I personally feel it is too soon. They have only been talking for 2 months and since we live in different states, I'm just afraid this could be a one time thing and I don't want my DD to be hurt.

Please someone give me some advice. I'm just afraid that my DD is going to be hurt by him not showing up or these being a once in a lifetime thing.

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9tigger

Asked by 9tigger at 11:37 PM on Mar. 3, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 8 (246 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Once in a lifetime, maybe all she will get. But to not have that is far worse.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 11:40 PM on Mar. 3, 2011

  • She is 18. She needs to make the decision for herself. All you can do is express your concerns to her and hope that her decision turns out to be the right one in the end. And if it doesn't, be there there to comfort her and let her know it's not because of her. GL mama. :)
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 11:42 PM on Mar. 3, 2011

  • It doesn't matter how old she is! Anyways....I think that if you are there with them then it should be fine. You never know how safe this guy is anymore ya kno? But I agree with the first poster it could be once in a lifetime. She has to understand that it could be a once in a lifetime event and she has to be prepared for that if it were to happen.

    I will have to deal with this also when my DD gets old enough and honestly it scares the crap out of me because I don't know how to tell her or when the right time is....

    Good luck tho! :)
    Keeely07

    Answer by Keeely07 at 11:45 PM on Mar. 3, 2011

  • It's not your decision anymore. She can handle it. Let them have their moment.
    RentaMom

    Answer by RentaMom at 12:05 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Everyone please understand...I do understand that it is her decision and I'm going to let them enjoy the moment, but I guess past history speaks louder than words for me and I'm just trying to protect my DD. I am very happy they finally get to meet, but....
    9tigger

    Comment by 9tigger (original poster) at 12:11 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • It would be better to be supportive then to give her the idea that your think it is wrong or you are trying to protect her. At this age if he does drop out of the picture she may feel like you are saying I told you so instead of being able to take comfort from you.
    Let her enjoy her moment I just pray that he lives up to his end of the deal.
    Graciesmom528

    Answer by Graciesmom528 at 12:23 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • My daughter's father left us when she was 3. He decided to come back in her life on several occasions only to leave again. She finally realized that he was never going to be there for her. Most recently, when his son turned 18, he wanted back in her life again and she didn't want him back in her life (she considers him a sperm donor, if that gives you any idea of what she thinks). Of course, this doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. I would talk to him and see what his intentions are before he sees her in person. Remind him that you don't want her to get hurt. Also, talk to your daughter and tell her not to get her hopes up too high because there is no way for sure to know what he will do in the future. Just prepare her is all you can do. Above all, don't make comments about him to her, let her form her own opinions. She's old enough to decide how she truly feels about their relationship.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:25 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Prepare her of what might happen since you know how he is or maybe was let's hope for your dd's sakes GL Just go with the flow.
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 12:31 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I know that it's probably frustrating to know what an a**hole this guy is and that he's been able to sidestep all of his parenting duties and then once she's 18 he's all about getting back in her life. If he's truly ready to make a connection great-but he's got a lot of work to do for all he's put you guys through. And if not it won't take long for him to show your daughter that he hasn't changed at all.

    I work for a Catholic organization that fosters children and the priest who runs the agency likes to tell the story of how a man who raped his daughter called and wanted to say he was sorry. The priest pointed out to him that all sorry does is make him feel better and say to his daughter "well I'm over it how about you" and then proceeded to hang up on the man. If you want to truly show you're sorry then you need to ask "how can I make it up to you" and then follow those directions and the person can begin to forgive.
    JessWulf84

    Answer by JessWulf84 at 2:21 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Thank you everyone for your support....I know that the next couple of weeks is going to be trying for everyone involved. I just pray for DD sake that he decides to stay a part of her life, I guess you can say, better later than never at all. My DD has had two wonderful men help me raise her over the years, my father and my DH, so she is a very strong young lady. I will keep everyone udpated!
    9tigger

    Comment by 9tigger (original poster) at 8:30 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

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