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How can a father living five miles away from the mother be an actual father?

My boyfriend lives five miles away. His parents only allow me to see him once or twice a week. He will be turning eighteen in April but by then I will be 7 months pregnant and he will have missed out on the bulk of the pregnancy. I want him to know what it feels like to be a father. He can't do that if he never sees me. What should I do?

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Asked by newmomma17 at 10:24 AM on Nov. 21, 2008 in Pregnancy

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Answers (6)
  • I totally understand where you are coming from as far as wanting him to be a part of the pregnancy but over the years and 3 pregnancies later I have come to a realization....

    men are kind of useless during pregnancy... sorry to say.

    don't give up on his farthering abilities until after the birth, and even then give it a few months...most men I know don't really get "into" new born babies, it takes a few months for their real father ability to come out, normally after baby is doing more like sitting and holding head up. my experience is that they are scared of the fragile little newborns.

    I do think that his parents are jerks for acting like this though. If it were me, I'd probably have a little "chat" with them and explain that they can get over it, he's the father, and if he wants to be a part of you and baby's lives he will and they can't stop him. KWIM?

    best wishes sweetie!

    Answer by flutterfae at 10:29 AM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • You will have eighteen long years to find out what kind of father he will be.And Honey let me tell you--I thought I read the question wrong-I though it said, "five hundred miles." Five miles away is NOT far at all!! My advice to you is not to pressure him, too much or he may decide to avoid you.I realize that it's so hard to go through a pregnancy alone, but when the baby comes, and he can see him/her, it will become more real to him. Give it time. I know you are dealing with it every day, feeling the baby move, feeling all the effects of the pregnancy, but guys are visual creatures. I hope he's there during the birth, and bonds with the baby then. Try to keep yourself busy and occupy your time by getting ready for the birth. He'll come around!!

    Answer by Aprilmorgans at 10:33 AM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • At 16, I was in the SAME situation as you, and unfortunately his mother limited all contact even after the baby was born. She only let him come see the baby a few hours a week because he had "homework". Thirteen years later, the lazy a$$ is STILL in college, and has never paid a dime over $200 in child support becuase technically, he doesn't have an income. By the time he graduates from his fancy education, she'll be old enought to drive, and by the time I get a court hearing to raise his child support she'll be in college herself, no exaggeration. Sorry hon, I know my situation is a little out of the norm, but the truth is after he's 18 unless he's willing to stand up for himself and your baby there is nothing you can do. Just do like the others said and encourage a bond between them and hope for the best.

    Answer by mamapotter at 10:41 AM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • To be honest, you are not necessarily a part of being a father......a father is for a child-not least not in todays world!

    Answer by Tricia19 at 11:46 AM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • If you can't see him doesn't mean he can't be involved. You can keep him up to date on everything and let him know what is going on. Keep a journal that he can read or talk for a few minutes each day. Then the time you do see each other it will be special. I am married and there are days my husband and I don't get much face time, but it doesn't change his involvement in the pregnancy.

    Answer by mrsjvz2 at 12:05 PM on Nov. 21, 2008

  • When dh and I finally became pregnant, we were both happy, but the daily stuff of being pregnant wasn't as exciting for him as it was for me. The true experience came the day our son was born. He was there, held our son before I did, carried our newborn wonder to the nursery, helped clean him up, made the first diaper change, etc. He became a father in that instant.

    Being a father is not defined by the quantity of time a man spends with his pregnant wife/girlfriend, it is not defined by the quantity of help he provides, and it is not defined by the amount of money he makes or what he pays in child support. A father is defined by the quality of time he spends with his child, the quality of help and genuine desire to be with his kids, and the quality of his unconditional love.

    Answer by happymom612 at 9:38 AM on Nov. 23, 2008

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