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3 Bumps

How would you discourage this?

My 12 yo dd is having issues with friendships. She has a so called friend who calls her every morning and every night and my husband and I really don't want her to have anything to do to her. We don't want her to be mean to her but we want her to have friends that she can chum with that have manners and come from an intact home. This girl's parents are divorced, the bio mom has 8 kids (my daughter doesn't know whose kids they are (the Mom's, the Dad's the step Mom's or the Mom's boyfriends??) and we can't get any details from my daughter if she lives w/her boyfriend. If we could get some information from our daughter about the situation maybe things aren't as bleak as they look. Their house is a yukky mess (dirty, not just messy) and when I dropped my daughter off at their house and picked her up the boyfriend sat glued to the tv both times not uttering a word and my dd says all he does is screams at the kids. I feel bad for the girl that lives in the chaous but just don't want my dd hanging with her. We have told her we don't want her to associate with this girl but seems the more we say that the more she does it. How do you encourage better friendships for you kids?

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:48 AM on Mar. 4, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • I would never discourage my child from befriending a child who needs kindness. I would not let my daughter in that house, and would want them to hang out at my house.

    Answer by rkoloms at 5:00 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I encourage my kids to reach out to those in need and it seems that this girl is very much in need. How sad you want to discourage a friendship simply because she doesnt fit your mold. My son brought home a boy in a similar situation many years ago. His parents were drug addicts and he was struggling to make sure he and his younger sister had enough to eat. Today this young man has a wife and a beautiful baby boy that calls me gramma. Dont get me wrong, he had many trials that he had to go thru, but he always knew that we were open to making sure he had the right influences in his life and that he knew there was a better way than the path his parents chose for themselves. This young lady may be special to your daughter, maybe your daughter sees something you chose not to. I wouldnt discourage this friendship, unless the girl starts to cause trouble or involve herself and or your daughter in trouble, she may come to you later

    Answer by shivasgirl at 5:08 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • and thank you for being the only positive thing in her young life.

    Answer by shivasgirl at 5:11 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I agree 100% with shivagirl, don't discourage the friendship just based on this girls parent's. Now if the girl were behaving a way that was detrimental to your daughter, THEN discourage the friendship or at least talk to the girl, but if she seems like a good kid, why don't you just tell your daughter that she can not go there, but her friend is welcome in your home. If the girl is in a bad situation, she may just need a friend and your daughter may be that person to help her.

    Answer by AprilDJC at 5:30 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • You can not do much about it. You can not force your child to associate/befriend  girls you like.  Just like boyfriends. You can not pick them either.

    The only thing I can see you doing is not letting her go to this girls house after school or on the week ends, based on the boyfriends actions.


    Answer by louise2 at 5:47 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • What has the girl done? just because she comes from a certain kind of home life that doesn't make the girl bad. From my experience if you tell your daughter not to hang out with her she is not going to listen. I think sometimes that can be the worst thing you can do. Why not just encourage the girl to come over to your house more and spend the night at your house, if she hasn't done anything wrong i don't see the harm in the friendship.

    Answer by jenn4443 at 6:12 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • No offense but you seem really bias. Not everyone can pick their parents. Children are innocent until they get corrupted. Instead of discouraging your child because of the little girl's background (she wasn't able to choose in the first place) you should actually be a good role model to your child and show her true kindness. Your are the one teaching your child by seting an example. Instead of letting your child go to an unsafe environment, open your doors. You can monitor what they are doing at your home. You can teach both of them manners at your home. Not only will that keep your child safe. She will also know that you love and support her. She will open up to you instead of thinking of you as the enemy and close you out. Or I could be wrong and you are just a snob. Than, no one can help you but yourself.

    Answer by AlyssaM0mmy at 6:29 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • The solution to your problem would be to have the friend over at your house so your own doesn't have to be exposed to a dysfunctional family but don't shun her friend it is not her fault.

    Answer by older at 8:07 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I would invite the child over but not let your dd go to her house. It is nice that your dd wants to be friends with this girl who clearly needs a friend and having her over might help her learn how to act.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 9:39 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

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