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How to be the better person (long)?

Original post/History: My best friend has a slew of medical problems. She's got an illiostomy bag, has a very aggressive form of chrone's disease, can break ribs if she coughs too hard. It's a huge laundry list.Well for the past month or two she's been dealing/struggling with gall stones. Has painfully passed one, maybe to. Tomorrow she was going to have a high-risk surgery to remove her gall bladder. She found out last week that her surgery had been canceled because she had not called to confirm it. Well, to deal with everything she's crawled into a bottle.

I GET that her life is rough with all her medical problems, and I've been very supportive up until now. *I* have had some rotten experiences with drunks/alcoholics as a child and as an adult and DO NOT see how crawling into a bottle is going to solve/fix anything. And she KNOWS this about me.

Am I out of line for not wanting to support her or talk with her while she's drunk?

She has left a couple hurt/snide comments about how the only person who supports/cares is her husband and she's tired of being judged by everyone.

**Note, she's like the sister I never had otherwise. We tell people that she's the sister of my heart.

Update (3/3/11): Got a facebook message from her today basically telling me to go to hell. ItsMe89, you were right, it was the beginning of the end. I'm feeling rather low at the moment because I thought this was going to be a forever type friendship that would survive through anything. I was wrong. As soon as I told her/did something she didn't like she turned on me. Now it's also getting ugly. I'm trying to be the better person and not engage in the bitter, snide, bitchy comments but it's hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End History

Now she's leaving all kinds of snide, inflammatory comments on her wall, and mine, on Facebook. My first reaction is to snap right back but I REALLY want to be the better person and take the high road. What is the best way to do this? (Note: I'm not one to pull my punches, verbal or physical)


Asked by Rosehawk at 11:24 AM on Mar. 4, 2011 in Relationships

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This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Sounds like you started judging her at the moment she need you most and she is just hurt. does it excuse her behavior, no, but she needed you and you left her because of your past experiences...Just my opinion.

    As far as FB goes, I would just ignore it. Maybe send her a message stating your reasons in a loving, caring way and try not to come of as judging.

    Answer by Soniam301 at 11:29 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I agree with Sonia.

    Answer by NickLukeandEmma at 11:33 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I have always been one (and I've said it before on this site) that believes that support does not mean having to going along with. It is not supportive to watch a friend destroy themselves it's almost like enabling. There have been many times i have given my friends boundaries but they always know the door is open for them when it comes down to it. If I had a friend with a coke problem I certainly wouldn't go driving them around to their dealers and making them lines does that make me an unsupportive friend?

    Friendship is a two way street and illness isn't an excuse to shit on a person constantly

    Answer by kayslay at 12:16 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Well you shouldnt abandon your friend when she needs you if she is like your SISTER, that sounds very harsh.

    Answer by stella73 at 1:09 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • It's doesn't have to be all over.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:26 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I grew up in an alcoholic family as well and i am a recovering alcohlic also. and i'd have to put myself in this situation to better answer this. Well, when i drank i had people who distanced themselves, i also had people that stayed around through it all, the drunk dials, the 2am calls from the bar, etc. and to tell you the truth the 2 people the stood by my side are my bro in law and sis in law and i have the biggest bond with them right now more than anyone else i know, they never judged me at all, they took care of me when i was drunk and unable to take care of myself, they never once told me what i was doing was ok, but the read bible stories to me told me all the crap i did. Without them i would have prolly never had the peice i needed to find God and change, but on the other hand i would say you should stay away from her at all costs if it can lead you into drinking, but if you don't have that tendency at all( well

    Answer by fun3oo at 11:39 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Her story doesn't make sense to me. I work at a hospital and the lack of one phone call from a very complicated patient (like the one you are describing) as the basis to cancel an entire surgery doesn't make sense. She would have had blood work done - so maybe she didn't show for that? Or perhaps they found something in her bloodwork that made the surgery not possible, like high levels of alcohol or some other recreational drug? Surgical schedules aren't set in stone until nearly the time that the patients are being wheeled into the OR - she may have had the surgery postponed, but they wouldn't just tell her she can't have her gall bladder out - unless she was doing something else that made her ineligible for the procedure. I think she's not been completely truthful with you.

    In any case, to be the bigger person, reiterate that you are there for her but that you aren't going to coddle self-destructive behavior.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 11:40 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • mybe you should think about what i said). my parents are alcoholics and im a recovering alcoholic, i have to stay away from them or i might fall, that is hard but i have to put God and staying sober first. I pray someday they will quit so we can be together. best of luck. your in my prayers and so is your friend

    Answer by fun3oo at 11:40 AM on Mar. 4, 2011


    Answer by gdiamante at 11:48 AM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • honestly delete her as a friend on FB and block her from sending you messages or requests......drunks so and do all kinds of mean and nast things....

    Answer by cara124 at 12:16 PM on Mar. 4, 2011