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Why does no one get it? Am I over reacting? (long)

Background: Married 2003. First attempt at getting pregnant was miscarriage of empty gestational sac (Dec. 2005). Shortly after hubby admits to smoking cigarettes behind my back for almost a year- he thought maybe that made his sperm defective causing the blighted ovum. He knew I detest smoking since I have seen numerous family members die slow painful deaths from cancer. We talked about honesty in marriage. He quit smoking and we moved on. Alcoholism runs in his family and drinking has been an issue with him since we've met. He has quit numerous times and always starts up again within a few months having a couple at a social functions. But it always snowballs into huge problem and he finally quit for good shortly after quitting smoking. Had twins (9 weeks preemie) in Oct. 2006. Got pregnant again July 2008. He was working long hours so when he came home with bloodshot eyes, falling asleep at table and slurring words a little I believed him when he said he was really tired. When I was around 28 weeks along he came home obviously drunk, puked half the night and passed out on bathroom floor. I found out he'd been drinking for months in secret. He would stop after work and drink a couple beers in the parking lot in his car and then drive home. That night he made the mistake of stopping at a friend's house and had a few more. At that point I told him that he needed to stop drinking. Another drop of alcohol and I would kick him out. If he ever lied about smoking or drinking again and it may result in divorce papers (Jan 2009). He quit drinking completely and hasn't had a drop since. The past few months he has smelled a lot of smoke so I have asked on occasion if he had been smoking and he always said no, he'd sat with some smokers at lunch or something. Finally Sunday he admitted that he has been smoking regularly since about a month after the drinking incident.

Now I don't know what to do. I am now 24 weeks pregnant again with #4. I can't eat or sleep and am so stressed out I'm starting to have Braxton Hicks contractions! I don't know if I will be able to forgive and trust again a third time. I can't believe anything he says at this point and don't know how or if I will get that trust back. And I refuse to stay in a marriage where I am constantly feeling I have to keep tabs on his every move or wonder where he, what he is doing, if he lying or hiding something from me. The thought of raising 4 kids on my own scares the crap out of me, but I would rather do that that be in a marriage where I had no trust in my spouse. We are starting counseling as soon as we fill out the financial paperwork and see what is will cost us.

Everyone I have talked to says something like, "wow, I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but you know smoking isn't really that bad" or "have him smoke outside, problem solved". Even after I tell them that at this point the smoking isn't the issue, it is the contant and repeated lying, they still just give advice on how to quit or tell my that he could have worse vices than smoking. Am I blowing this out of proportion or should I be concerned with the lying? I am bipolar on top of all of this so sometimes I think I do make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I just don't think that repeated incidents of lying for months at a time is something I should overlook- regardless of what its about! I am at a complete loss as to how to move past it this time. Between my bipolar and my pregnancy hormones I am basically a train wreck on spend all day on the verge of tears and all night tossing and turning. I am trying to stay positive and happy for the kids, but I know they can tell something is wrong. Mommy doesn't usually spend all day crying!


Asked by frat_twin_mama at 2:53 PM on Mar. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Level 12 (730 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Lying hurts- it doesn't matter what its about. You have every right to be upset, but in the long run you being this stressed over it is doing your baby more harm than anything he could do. You need to relax.

    Counseling is a start, but it will take a long time to regain that trust if it ever does come back. But part of your responsibility out of this is to make sure he feels like he can tell you when he has slipped up. Listen and do your best to be understanding of his fight to quit. Tell him you won't be mad if he slips but you WILL be mad if he lies about it.

    Answer by meandrphoto at 3:15 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I completely get the lying thing. I just went through this with my husband. I told him get therapy for the lying or we're done. He has his third session Monday and all is well so far. Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • i dont think you are blowing it our of proportion. there is no reason to lie. but lying in my opinion is like cheating you knwo once a cheater always a cheater. sorry you are going through all this especially since you are pregnant. i would try to hold out and see how the councelling goes.

    Answer by newlife627 at 3:00 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • I understand it is the lying that bothers you. Hopefully the counseling will help with that. I smoke, my DH quit, and there was a time when I wanted to smoke behind his back but I forced myself to fess up because I knew that worse than smoking when we were both trying to quit would be to lie about it to his face, even just by ommission of the truth even if he didn't ask. But, I do think you will have to ask yourself if you could find a way to live with the smoking. To me, drinking and alcoholism are much more serious than smoking. Yes, smoking can devastate your health now or down the road, but if he can kick the drinking but not the smoking I think I'd rather live with a smoker than a drunk. Are there other things he lies about or does he just hide this because he knows you'll be mad? A lot of people kick drugs and alcohol but never the smoking. I hope you are able to work it out, and that counseling will help. Good luck.

    Answer by MaryMW at 3:03 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • You married a man with an addictive personality and then you made him promise to give up his addictions. No doubt he thought that he could, and now he is too embarrassed to admit to you that he hasn't been able to. Of course, you should hold him accountable, but at the same time, you will have to support him in his endeavors to get rid of his addictions. There are all kinds of places you can go for help. Just remember it's not give up the addictions or give up on the marriage. It's keep the marriage strong enough to help him get rid of the addictions. Don't expect him to do it on his own. He needs someone to give him a plan, and he needs you to hold him accountable to the plan. Try to see it from his point of view: He knows he has told you he would quit and now he has found out he can't. He knows he is weak and he most likely feels like a failure. People do fail. We all have, but that does not make us failures.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:14 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • You have to tell him he has to get help or you are leaving and you have to mean it. The smoking is a bad habit and it is hard to quit. The drinking he will not be able to quit without help. You won't be able to trust him until he is clean. The drinking has to stop first.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 3:35 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • yes i think your oeverreacting about the smoking. i don't smoke nor my husband or family so it's not that we accept smoking as it's normal to do which is not something i would be happy my husband doing and i would ask him to stop but to get this stressed out and holding it agaisn't him when obviously you knew he did this before you married him. addictions are hard to quit and i come from a long line of drug, alcohol addiction in my family. me once being one. so i know first hand that even with good intentions to quit that it's easier said then done. so you can't really expect him to change any of these behaviors on his own without professional help. even if he is sober now, he will fall back into it. you have seen the pattern to this over and over again. you only have 2 options which is he seeks professional help or 2 you just accept that this is as good as it gets. for me i divorced my husband cause i wanted to be happy.cont

    Answer by melody77 at 4:07 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • the lying occur cause he is trying to spare your feelings. so in a way with the way you get yourself stressed out over it and your bi polar i can see why he does it. i'm sure he loves and wants to please you but it's hard for a man to ask his wife to accept him for who he is whenhe himself doesn't feel worthy of you and yet he wants nothing more then to be with you. i think your marraige can be saved but not with good intentions but with constant on going therapy and him attending AA

    Answer by melody77 at 4:09 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • Raising 4 kids on your own is not as difficult as raising them in a toxic horrible stressful environment that is probably damaging to them. And I also doubt that you would be doing it ALL ALONE. I'm sure there is some sort of support system in your life.

    It is hard being a single mom but never not once have I ever felt as hopeless and defeated as I did every day in my marriage.

    just my .02


    Answer by kayslay at 4:10 PM on Mar. 4, 2011

  • and you allannon or something like that. it will be a long hard road which only you can decide to deal with. if he is serious about getting that professional help then have him prove it to you. i would ask him to move out, just seperate for awhile, so he can heal on his own and you as well. you need to not worry about him but the health of you child and he needs to worry about healing himself and getting to the root of his addiction. when he has been approved by his therapist to move back home and he has been clean for at least 6-12 and still actively working to stay clean by attending aa i would not be able to allow him home as you will be enabling his constant back stepping. good luck

    Answer by melody77 at 4:12 PM on Mar. 4, 2011