Background: Married 2003. First attempt at getting pregnant was miscarriage of empty gestational sac (Dec. 2005). Shortly after hubby admits to smoking cigarettes behind my back for almost a year- he thought maybe that made his sperm defective causing the blighted ovum. He knew I detest smoking since I have seen numerous family members die slow painful deaths from cancer. We talked about honesty in marriage. He quit smoking and we moved on. Alcoholism runs in his family and drinking has been an issue with him since we've met. He has quit numerous times and always starts up again within a few months having a couple at a social functions. But it always snowballs into huge problem and he finally quit for good shortly after quitting smoking. Had twins (9 weeks preemie) in Oct. 2006. Got pregnant again July 2008. He was working long hours so when he came home with bloodshot eyes, falling asleep at table and slurring words a little I believed him when he said he was really tired. When I was around 28 weeks along he came home obviously drunk, puked half the night and passed out on bathroom floor. I found out he'd been drinking for months in secret. He would stop after work and drink a couple beers in the parking lot in his car and then drive home. That night he made the mistake of stopping at a friend's house and had a few more. At that point I told him that he needed to stop drinking. Another drop of alcohol and I would kick him out. If he ever lied about smoking or drinking again and it may result in divorce papers (Jan 2009). He quit drinking completely and hasn't had a drop since. The past few months he has smelled a lot of smoke so I have asked on occasion if he had been smoking and he always said no, he'd sat with some smokers at lunch or something. Finally Sunday he admitted that he has been smoking regularly since about a month after the drinking incident.
Now I don't know what to do. I am now 24 weeks pregnant again with #4. I can't eat or sleep and am so stressed out I'm starting to have Braxton Hicks contractions! I don't know if I will be able to forgive and trust again a third time. I can't believe anything he says at this point and don't know how or if I will get that trust back. And I refuse to stay in a marriage where I am constantly feeling I have to keep tabs on his every move or wonder where he, what he is doing, if he lying or hiding something from me. The thought of raising 4 kids on my own scares the crap out of me, but I would rather do that that be in a marriage where I had no trust in my spouse. We are starting counseling as soon as we fill out the financial paperwork and see what is will cost us.
Everyone I have talked to says something like, "wow, I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but you know smoking isn't really that bad" or "have him smoke outside, problem solved". Even after I tell them that at this point the smoking isn't the issue, it is the contant and repeated lying, they still just give advice on how to quit or tell my that he could have worse vices than smoking. Am I blowing this out of proportion or should I be concerned with the lying? I am bipolar on top of all of this so sometimes I think I do make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I just don't think that repeated incidents of lying for months at a time is something I should overlook- regardless of what its about! I am at a complete loss as to how to move past it this time. Between my bipolar and my pregnancy hormones I am basically a train wreck on spend all day on the verge of tears and all night tossing and turning. I am trying to stay positive and happy for the kids, but I know they can tell something is wrong. Mommy doesn't usually spend all day crying!
Answer by meandrphoto at 3:15 PM on Mar. 4, 2011
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