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I need some advice please...important.

I have met this guy (at church). I was quickly attracted to him...and I'm not just talking about physical attraction. I can't explain it though. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He is 37 (never married), I am 36 and divorced (with two children). I found out through a mutual friend that he had a very rough childhood...grew up in foster homes, was adopted then "un-adopted". He has a big fear of commitment, but doesn't want to...he wants to have a relationship, but just can't get past the things that happened in his youth.

My question is how do I "help" him? I know I can't be his therapist or psychiatrist or make him commit...but I want to know things I can do to help him open up and things I can do to help his heart heal besides just being a friend. Like I said...he is one of the nicest guys I've ever met and my heart hurts to know the pain he feels. If you would like to advise more, just let me know and I can pm you...thank you sooo much!!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:07 AM on Mar. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I think the best thing you can do is to be a really good friend first,and show him that you will always be there.
    mommy_jules

    Answer by mommy_jules at 11:13 AM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • honestly a guy like that u going to have to show him that there is some one in this world he can trust and that would be u
    you will have to be honest with him about everything who you are and what you want out of the relationship and reassure him that you will wait for him to open up to you and trust you enough to care for each other
    and tell him you know if you dont like me like that we dont have to date i can be a friend but if u like me like that i am willing to work with u and show him u understand
    cnoble927

    Answer by cnoble927 at 11:18 AM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • I agree with those 2 up there but also to add, since you both go to church have either one of you thought for him to get baptized so he can feel peace & know everything is whiped clean & he can start over? He might try it, if you believe in that anyway.
    MomofSteel

    Answer by MomofSteel at 11:48 AM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • Yes...he's a Christian. He's been baptized. He's just holding on to so much pain...can't get past it.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:01 PM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • Sorry but experience has shown me that the damage is within and there is nothing you can do to fix him. I'm codependent and tried several times to help or "love them enough" but found out quickly I made a mistake when I got hurt every time. I'd cut ties and take care of myself and my children. Don't try to rescue others. (been there, done that, learned from it)
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:47 PM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • That is a very sad situation, the best thing that you can do for him is just to be there for him...sometimes just a compassionate "shoulder to cry on" is the best therapy.
    Lucky209

    Answer by Lucky209 at 1:48 PM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • You know I use to have a co worker who was like that but unfortunly he committed suicide..it may never change with this guy if he is very emotionly scared and nothing anyone can do will change that you can make him feel wanted and who know's loved but he is at an age where is childhood is engraned in him.
    When he feels or if he feels he's ready for a relationship or friendship that can lead to more he will let you know. People like him find it hard to committ in fear of rejection later on by the ones they come to love. So I say take it slow and go with the flow....My co-worker use to be mean to people so he could distance himself from others and would only have one night stands with women so he didn't become attached. When I first started working with him he was very offish with me only dealing with me on a professional but i broke the ice by being nice and making him talk to me and he did and we were friends and he laugh
    dusty1962

    Answer by dusty1962 at 4:13 PM on Mar. 5, 2011

  • Are you interested in a romantic relationship with him or just a friendship? You have to be very careful trying to be 'just friends' with men when you're single because they often get attached.

    Like these ladies said, just be a good friend to him. Be trustworthy, be there for him. Pray for him, most importantly.

    You can't fix him, of course, but you can show him the love of Jesus:-) Jesus is the only one who can heal him so pray for him. Pray for healing and peace in his heart.

    Add me if you'd like:-)
    the_kimmers

    Answer by the_kimmers at 8:02 PM on Mar. 5, 2011

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