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2 Bumps

Advice please...a little long, sorry

Last Friday night my dh went out to the bar with some friends after work and told me he was planning on coming home around 8. I know he needs guy time and understand he needs to get away sometimes. An hour after he left I called him to see if he could come home and help me clean out our freezer because it broke during the day and stuff was starting to thaw out; which I didn't know til after he went out. He wouldn't answer his phone but texted me right after I hung up (kinda ticked me off..no reason he couldn't answer). So after I dealt with the freezer by myself (he just couldn't come home); I made the kids supper, gave them baths and was getting ready to put them to bed. I always let my daughter call and say goodnight to her daddy when he is out cuz its helps her sleep. After she is done talking, I take the phone and start talking to him and he is instantly pissed about something (dont know why). I ask him if he was coming soon cuz it was already past the time he said he was coming home and he said (and I quote) "why would i want to come home? when i am there all i do is play xbox. i am there physically but not mentally." It really hurt and don't understand why he would say something like that. It made me feel like he hates being at home and would just rather not ever come home. We talked about it the next day but he couldn't give me a reason why he said it. Doesn't there have to be some sort of truth behind it if he said it?

A little background on our relationship: We have been together for almost 7 yrs, married for 5 in April. 4 1/2 yr old dd and 2 1/2 yr old ds. Things have been okay for the most part but we fight quite a bit. At one point 2 yrs ago we almost split because of both of us being unhappy but we worked through it for the kids. I don't really know if we are totally healed from that yet.

Like I said, input and advice would be appreciated from anybody; but if you feel like being nasty just keep your comments to yourself.

Answer Question
 
saydeejo

Asked by saydeejo at 11:20 PM on Mar. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,407 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • I'm sorry to hear you are having problems. It's good that you tried talking about it. If he couldn't come up with a reason that he said that, maybe he was drunk and showing off to his friends? Or maybe his friends were ranting about their SO's (as you know we all do to vent sometimes) and he was drunk and made it up in his head that he was angry with you? I'm not sure if he was drinking, but this seems like the most logical explanation to me. I hope things are better for you guys soon. Communication is always a good thing. :)
    Kword

    Answer by Kword at 11:27 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • You fight quite a bit. Over what? His drinking? His staying out? His not helping around the house? Money? Sounds to me like he just wants his play time (bar and Xbox) and doesn't want the responsibility of being husband or dad. He gets mad when you ask for help? You might interrupt his playtime? He's a child in a man's body. When I thought I was going to miscarry my youngest, I called him at a bar. It pissed him off so bad he didn't come home for 2 days. I had to walk to the neighbors house for help. We lived in the country and he took my car keys so I couldn't go anyplace. I finally learned that when he took my keys, he had a date. (Not saying your is doing that, but it could be next on his list.) If they are not happy at home, they will be happy someplace else.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 11:34 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • Everything these ladies are saying makes a lot of sense. I'm sure he loves you but he just may not be IN love with you like he used to be.
    rubens-mom

    Answer by rubens-mom at 11:37 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • There was surely truth behind that statement. Are you a SAHM? I ask, because most men don't understand the job at all and think it's a piece of cake. He was probably just happy to be out with his buddies, having some drinks and letting loose and if he works to support the 3 of you and brings in good money than you should not complain too much. I am not intending to be nasty at all, and I really hope you do not choose to take my words that way.
    It does bother me that you state you worked through your unhappiness "for the kids", that is not good at all! If you want to work through things , you should do it for yourselves first and foremost! If mom and dad are happy than kids will be too, they take their cues from the two of you.
    truthteller0722

    Answer by truthteller0722 at 11:38 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • @ rubens-mom: its a little funny you say that, when i asked him if he loved me he said yes, then i asked him if he was in love with me and he said there is no difference....makes me think alot about everything because i think there is quite a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
    saydeejo

    Comment by saydeejo (original poster) at 11:42 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • "7 year itch" . . . I hate that term, but there is a little truth to it . . . couples tend to distance just a little during that period, and then, when they reemerge, they are twice as strong. Still, no excuse. I have to be honest with you, I wouldn't be cool with my husband being out at the bar with his buddies. I always tell him, "Why get married and have kids if you still want a bachelor life?" In turn, I don't go out for "girl's nights" either. We do family stuff. He sees his guys buddies at work every day, anyway.
    I would try talking to him . . . maybe making more family plans and less alone plans . . .work on the family unit.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 11:42 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • @truthteller: I don't take your words being nasty at all...I am a part time sahm and part time waitress, I make enough to pay daycare and a couple of the smaller bills. I do feel he thinks when I am at home it's an easy job, and he doesn't really help out when he gets home after work.
    saydeejo

    Comment by saydeejo (original poster) at 11:48 PM on Mar. 6, 2011

  • after 20 years together & 4 kids, my view on this might be a little different - you say you were fine with him going out & understood he needed time out, & yet just one hour later you rang him to come home to clean out the freezer. From his point of view... seems kind of mean to say "yes go out" then call him back. I understand it needed to be cleaned but you are just as capable. Then his ph rings again this time to help get daughter to sleep & for you to ask him to come home. I am not trying to be nasty, but... if you say you need a break, you don't expect to get hourly ph calls to come home.. you expect that he will get on with it all. Yes he's being immature and mean in his statement, I can tell you I would be annoyed if I'd gone out to dinner with my girlfriends & my husband rang to ask me to come home &clean out the freezer, then do the goodnight routine with the toddler .. we all have days when we are just contd
    myheartx4

    Answer by myheartx4 at 12:04 AM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • contd - going through the motions. It doesn't mean he's having an affair or planning to. It might just mean he is tired, worn out, just as shell shocked with the marriage/parent/finances/adulthood thing as you are. And yes he probably thinks SAHM is an easy job - if that is his opinion, then it will be nearly impossible to change it. But it doesn't have to ruin your relationship. Maybe set some ground rules. He promises to have his butt through the door by 11pm and you promise to only call him if the house is on fire. Your daughter will cope or needs to learn to, and he will appreciate a true break rather than one on a choker lead.
    Please don't take this as criticism, it is just another view point
    myheartx4

    Answer by myheartx4 at 12:09 AM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • His reply makes me think he doesn't want to be there. When he's home, is he there on an emotional level? I think your relationship is in trouble and counseling at this point wouldn't be a bad idea. If he went to a bar with his buddies, are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? I don't know about you, but that comment would have told me a whole lot.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:10 AM on Mar. 7, 2011

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