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3 Bumps

So you can't expect him to change, and you can't keep nagging him, what do you do?

my husband and i have been married for two years. we have three children together. maybe i never noticed in the beginning, but he doesn't help me at all around the house. last night for example, after dinner, the baby was filthy dirty from self-feeding so i knew i had to give her a bath. i also knew i'd have to bathe the older two together and do the dishes. he left his dish on the table instead of even taking it to the sink. when i asked what he was going to do to help, he asked what do i want him to do, and i asked if he could just wipe the kids' hands and faces while i give the baby a quick bath. he rolled his eyes and sighed loudly, but did it anyway. so baby got a bath, then big kids got a bath, and soon enough bedtime rolled around. he sat there and watched tv, oblivious to the fact bedtime was right now and i put them all to bed myself. then when i finally sat down, he asked me to get him a beer and i said fuck no. i was irritated as hell by this point. this is an everyday thing. all i ever ask him to do is take out the trash and there are 4 bags piled up on the porch to be taken out. it's like im asking too much for him to help with his children? i am really over it and no matter how many times i ask it never changes.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:23 PM on Mar. 7, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I know how you feel. Mine says I worked all day I am tired. What do you think I do all day. I got 3 kids to and its hard doing it on your own sometimes. It seems like the more I nag and nag it only makes it worse. My advice is sit him down and talk to him and tell him these are your kids too. I need help. Sometimes it works. I think they believe we are super woman, lol.
    Cindy2000473

    Answer by Cindy2000473 at 5:16 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • i read this book "proper care and feeding of husbands" it had a chapter on understanding men, mabe go see if it's at the library and see if any advice in there would help. what i remember reading is that if you want your man to do something just ask him. your hubby may of rolled his eyes and sighed. he did do it.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 4:27 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • If I want my husband to help out, I ask him specifically to do a job. He very rarely takes the initiative and does something on his own. But If I say I am going to give the baby a bath, would you load the dishwasher, he will do it. If he gets pissy, sit him down and tell him you need help and are going to continue to ask him.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 4:31 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • You're not asking too much. All I can say is just sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him that taking care of 3 kids and a house and him is exhausting and ask if he will help. At the absolute very least he should be picking up after himself and taking out the trash would not hurt.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 4:27 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • I wonder if you need to communicate a little better what needs doing. It's 'almost' a compliment when a dh doesn't help. It looks like you've got everything covered. He's not psychic though. He might help more if you were clearer about how he could help. As for the garbage, ask him why he doesn't do it instead of telling him that he's supposed to.
    Nonoluna

    Answer by Nonoluna at 4:28 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • I think you need to ask him to do much, much more than you do. It sounds like currently you ask for very little and cover his ass all the time when he should be sharing in the responsibilities. This leaves you feeling put out and frustrated. Ask him to step up to the plate, and don't fix it if he screws up. Then, at least, you won't feel put out by shouldering most of the responsibility.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 4:29 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • how long have you been together? Was he like this with the first child? before your first child? the 2nd child? I know you said you never really noticed it, but having kids changes who needs to help with what, no matter what - have you talked about this to him? if you have always taken care of things, he might truly not know how to help you - it doesn't come natural to everyone - you may need to say Hey honey, can you keep little "ralphy" busy while I am cooking, the more you ask for help when you need it, hopefully the less he will be oblivious about WHEN you need the help.?~
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 4:30 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • Try asking him what he needs from you. You may be surprised at his answer, and if you are willing to give him whatever it is, you will very likely be getting more of what you need from him. Most men were not brought up thinking they were supposed to help with the kids and with housework. It's just a fact of life. That's not to say that wives can't get them to help, but you have to go about it in the right way. Also, instead of just saying you need help, do what you did last night and give him one very specific thing that you need him to do, realizing you may have to even tell him how to do it. Men are not women, and it cannot just be assumed that they even know what to do nor how to do it. You have to learn how to make him want to help you, and that seems to be the part most women have a hard time learning. It doesn't matter that he rolled his eyes. He did what you asked him to do. Did you remember to say thank you?
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:44 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • oh and while i was making dinner, the baby kept walking into the kitchen and i have a thing about the little ones being in there while im trying to cook. he was again totally oblivious when i kept removing her over and over and getting really frustrated. its like i am only one person, how can you sit there and watch tv while i try to make dinner and keep the kids occupied?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:24 PM on Mar. 7, 2011

  • That is a hard one. I'd sit him down and talk to him, and let him know in a calm manner what you want and how what he does makes you feel. Use 'I' statements instead of 'You', and really put some thought into what you're going to say before you sit down with him. Let him know, also, that you know he works hard, but so do you, and that your day does not end at 5 like his does.
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 4:30 PM on Mar. 7, 2011