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Step mom with no rights....

I am about to end my marriage because I cant handle it anymore...

I have a 2 year old ( bio ) daughter and a 12 year old step daughter.... When my husband and I first got together it was great ( of course) and I love my step daughter... but she is just such a huge brat and just gets worse.

She use to listen to me and would behave very well, I use to beable to take her places and do fun activites together and everything, but now because her mother and her father are idiots she just throws a constant fit...

She is 12 year old - dresses like an 18 year old... They dont care if her boobs are hanging out, if she has a ton of makeup on, that she talks on the phone to 16 year old boys ( more than one) , that she will go to a friends house for the whole weekend without being checked in on ( her friend is equally as wild as her so I think that is cause to worry ) or even that she was caught drinking !!! ..... My husband use to be very active in her life and almost over-protective but now that she acts like this and since his ex wife ripped him a new one about telling their daughter that she isnt aloud to do this stuff he became a wimp and gave up on even trying to make her do anything.

Now I am just a step mom, I never planned on taking over as her full time mom or anything like that...... BUT **I** am the one expected to take her everywhere, to make sure she is doing good in school, ** I ** am the one who basically gets in trouble when she does something bad...( like when I went to pick her up from friends house and she wasnt there, I frantically called husband and her mom to figure out what to do to find her, they both were mad at me, yelling at me because I couldnt find her - even though I said she shouldnt even go to that friends house anyways) ....

So I cant say anything about her not doing things, but then when she does it, it is my fault.....

I am so sad that my step daughters life is going to be a hell and one big mistake after another --- I think she is old enough to know not to be doing these things.... but yet it is HER PARENTS fault for not stopping her ....I am tired of not being able to have a say and not being able to even try to help her, but expected to take the brunt of it...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Mar. 8, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (8)
  • That is a tough situation. I'm a step mom to a 4 year old boy and hope it never gets to that point.

    Answer by sydash11 at 3:33 PM on Mar. 8, 2011

  • That, in a nutshell, is the life of a step parent. All the responsibility, no authority. Impossible situation. I am a stepmother to a 19 year old, I have been in his life since he was 6. If DH and I split, I would NEVER. EVER. NEVER. EVER. marry a man with small children again. The dynamic between the bio parents and you and the child and the BS is absurd. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your stepdaughter who is paying the price for her parent's inability to parent. If I were you I would absolutely stop being a doormat for the mother and father. Do the things you WANT to do for your stepchild, but get out of this siutation where its you that has to take her everywhere and be responsible for her. That is just not working out, and it is NOT your responsibility. Set some serious boundaries. GL.

    Answer by gramsmom at 3:45 PM on Mar. 8, 2011

  • Don't let the bio's put all the responsibility of her on you. Speak up, say no, be honest about how you feel and REFUSE to do anything more. They need to parent.

    Answer by meooma at 4:49 PM on Mar. 8, 2011

  • Oh hell no!!
    Why are they getting on you about their own daughter?? I would IMMEDIATELY inform MOM and DAD that they brought this child into the world and they damn well better take care of her. She is their responsibility, don't let them take it out on you. Tell them to step up and 'be parents to their kid'!!!
    That's not 'right' or 'fair' to you! They are taking advantage of you.

    Answer by jucyfrut at 9:23 PM on Mar. 8, 2011

  • If you get zero input in parenting, then refuse to take responsibility for parenting. You need to have a long talk with your husband and redefine the boundaries in your relationship with your stepdaughter.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 10:56 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Oh wow no one is appreciating you!!! You care so much and they just are not getting it!!! You do need a plan, a good one, and I would just tell the ALL OF THEM that you care deeply for your step d but you are not going to be used anymore.

    Answer by 2tinyhineys at 12:26 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Being a step parent is the hardest damn job in the world. I TOTALLY know how you feel, was in the same situation (besides the mom and dad never got angry with me) they both gave up on their daughter in ways, mom kicked her out completely, neither one cared how she dressed ect, I was always the bad guy. She is 12? You can't just tough it out that long, TRUST ME! Get help, counseling, whatever for you and sd. Good luck and God bless!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 4:50 PM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • Being a step parent is difficult. But, that doesn't mean you should assume that you can be walked all over by anyone - - including the biological parents. You have your rules and boundaries - - and frankly, they sound pretty darn reasonable. You have the right to calmly, but firmly, let it be known that you aren't anyone's maid, driver, etc. What you are is a responsible adult who will not tolerate the behavior you describe above, especially from a 12 year old. It may take some time, some serious discussions, and some therapy. But, if you cotinue to be strong and firm, things should improve. Or, you may have a different decision ahead of you. Prepare yourself for all of the outcomes - - but strive for the one that will be best for you and your step daughter.
    Be strong. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Answer by DebY3494 at 6:42 PM on Mar. 10, 2011

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