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How to end an engagement without breaking a heart?

My fiancee and I have been engaged a year next month. He is South African and we have had a long distance relationship since we met. He was on a work visa in the U.S. when we first met and he had to go back to S.A. only 2 weeks after we met. Since then I have made 2 trips to S.A. One was for 5 weeks and the other for 3 months. It's been 3-4 months since I've last seen him. Things don't feel the way they used to. He's done nothing wrong, he's actually very sweet. But I just don't have the same connection with him that I used to. I got some advice from a psychologist/army wife and she said that she had the same feeling when her husband was away in Iraq but that things went back to normal once he came back. I fear that once he finally gets into the U.S my feelings won't change and I still won't want to continue the relationship. I don't want to force him to leave everything and everyone he loves and then I decide to end the relationship in which he would have to go back to his country. Also, the lawyer/visa process is extremely expensive, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something that will not last. How should I end things without breaking his heart? He knows that something is wrong considering I've been avoiding him whenever possible and am always aggravated.

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Asked by TiffanieK at 12:33 AM on Mar. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,325 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • You cant avaoid breaking his heart. Its a risk everyone takes when they enter into a relationship. Sometimes its a valuable learning experience. YOure right however that you should tell him before he comes over here. I would just tell him that you no longer feel the same way and youre sorry but it would be unfair to him and yourself to continue with the relationship.

    Answer by okmommy08 at 12:37 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Oh, you have to go with your gut instinct on this but I'm sorry to hear it. You need to be honest and tell him what you told us. Tell him you're not ready to be engaged and the time apart has forced you to consider reality. If you truly don't love him, tell him you can't pinpoint the moment it changed but that over time being apart, your heart has changed. I'm not sure but whatever you do, definitely say something. Not fair for him to come here if you're not into it 100 percent. Would more time together make it better or are you totally done?

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 12:38 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I really dont think you can break an engagement without hurting him but you are definatly right that you shouldnt let him come all the way out here if your not absolutly sure of your feelings for him....just be as gentle as possible....good luck mama

    Answer by Lucky209 at 12:45 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I have been in a relationship like that, and either you need WAY MORE time together to get to know one another and all, or you need to call it quits before he comes over to stay for good.
    It's better that you do it now rather than later and married.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:47 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I don't know if more time together would be helpful. I can't afford any more trips to his country to find out and it's dangerous there as well. I can't risk him coming here and using that time to figure it out. It upsets me to hurt him. I would much rather him do something wrong so I could work on anger or pain. I wish I could make him break up with me.

    Comment by TiffanieK (original poster) at 12:49 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I had to break an engagement recently to a great guy. I just told him it's not going to work and that was that. I think it's best to be up front and to the point. Don't let it linger. That is torturing him if he always knows something is wrong.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:07 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • how did your guy take it?

    Comment by TiffanieK (original poster) at 1:20 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I have always been told, Listen to your "MIND".

    If your mind and heart do not agree....go with your mind.

    Your heart will always get you into trouble.

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 2:27 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I think hurting him is inevitable. I think you should just be up front with him, and tell him that although he is a great guy and you enjoyed your time together, you are just do not want to pursue the relationship any longer. It will hurt, and I know how hard it is, but it will be better in the long run. I say just be honest and nice about it.

    Answer by Allie428 at 7:14 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • There is no way to avoid hurting him. We've all been hurt when relationships end not be our chosing. I would tell him as soon as possible as kindly as you can.

    Answer by meooma at 8:18 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

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