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3 Bumps

Dealing w/a difficult mom to our grandchild. . . . .how should I handle it?

We have a son (22) who fathered a 9 mo. old boy w/his girlfriend (18). They are no longer together and she lives about 35 mins away from us. She was bringing the baby over to see us about every 2 weeks and now it's been a month. Since she doesn't communicate with us very often, I called her yesterday morning to see when she might bring him by for us to see him. She didn't answer, so I left a msg. She immediately text me back letting me know she was at work and wanted to know, "what's up". I text back asking when she was going to bring the baby by, that it had already been a month. She went all "off" on me with a rude & disrespectful text (sacrcastic), about how she works and didn't realize she HAD to bring him by on a regular basis and that IF and WHEN she does it will be at HER convenience. It took about 4 texts for her to put all she she had to say to me. This is one reason why I hate texting, in such cases, as people can sometimes be much more rude than they would ever be on the phone. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't even text back. I had so many things I COULD have said in a text, but none of them would have been nice, so I opted to take the "high road" and not go there. I won't stoop to her level of being rude, as it is non-productive and wouldn't be beneficial to my seeing our grandson.

I went to the phone book and looked up lawyers who specialize in family law. I am going to a consultation to see what we can do to visit with our grandchild without her. She is immature and is using her child against us, as she has issues with my son. It is difficult since I am not used to dealing with someone on a personal level who is being so rude, disrespectful and immature. It would be so much easier if she would communicate w/us better and try to do what's best for the child. It's a crying shame that I have to retain a lawyer to make sure she does right by him and lets us have our time with him.

What would you do in this situation? I'm all about handling things peacefully and acting like a mature adult.


Asked by Anonymous at 7:33 AM on Mar. 9, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (32)
  • you did the right thing go talk to the lawyer and see what he says. if its not what you want to hear go to another lawyer. alot of lawyers do give free initial consultations keep at it grandma. you'll find some one that is willing to help you

    Answer by jodi205 at 7:49 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • She is 18 years old; she's working; she's caring for an infant without the assistance of your son who is the baby's father; and you contacted her at work. Any one of these factors would be explanation enough for why she might have been just a tad aggravated with you. And, in all truth, it's quite possible that she feels she owes you nothing. She's been bringing him to see you on her own, and I think it might have been in your best interest to have left it that way. What are you doing to help her out and to make her life easier? It seems to me that would be the best way to get to see your grandson on a regular basis. Maybe you could offer to keep him one day a week so she doesn't have to pay a sitter, or maybe you could have asked when it would have been convenient for you to have stopped by to see them? Then you could take her some flowers or some other little treat. I would leave out the lawyer part, if I were you.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:00 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • BUT she (& my son) got themselves into this predicament. We didn't ask for this, BUT putting all that aside, I feel she must do what's right by the baby.

    Okay, here's the thing --- YOU are not the child's parent and it's not up to you to decide what is best for it. What you are looking for here is what is best for YOU. Nanny B gave you some great advice and was not being judgemental. I tried to be nice in my reply, but really you sound like a meddling grandma and I would probably react the same way if you contacted me at work. This poor girl has a ton of stress in her life right now and you don't sound like you're very supportive at all (from the above quote). Consider yourself lucky to have the visits she does provide, and if you want to go off on someone, why not your son who does not have the stress of raising the child alone?

    Answer by scout_mom at 9:22 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • But it sounds like since she brought the baby before that she's not going out of her way to keep him from you... maybe she really was just busy, maybe you caught her at a bad time and it made her feel more pressure... I mean I don't want you to think I'm playing your feelings down...but like you said it was text message and she was at work. maybe she misread your text, it happens all the time. I don't know that I'd go jumping for the lawyer just yet. Maybe send her another text today and say " hey i'm sorry we had a misunderstanding yesterday, but I really am missing my grandson. call me when your free" offer to go to her to see the baby...since she's gone your way twice now. like you said she's only 18 and I know that no excuse but it's real easy for an 18 yo to let her emotions get the best of her... and then if the high high road doesnt work call that lawyer....GL

    Answer by Finkette at 7:54 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • To your last post.... about telling him about this when he is older.... don't try to alienate his mother, she probebly will never look like the bad guy to him and it will end up backfiring. You really need to try to make a relationship with her for the child...I know it sounds silly but my sons father doesnt talk to me and his mother stepped in and made a relationship with me... go to lunch things like that and now were very close, I talk to her like my own mother... i'm not saying you have to be super close but have something thats not your sons and hers.... and I know everyone else on here is quick to say "go get her" but you could cause more problems that way, sometimes in situations like this the best thing is a calm head.

    Answer by Finkette at 8:00 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Honestly, there aren't many states that have written laws dealing with Grandparent Rights. Good luck.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:44 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • You answered your own question, she is 18 and very young it is baby having a baby. You are a mother and are showing the good example of how a mother should be. I would not think you would fight or lower yourself with an 18 year old girl. The one that I feel sorry for is this poor baby, he is the number one concern. I hope that your son is getting on the same page as you, to see what will be done with this baby. Keep strong and remain calm this is the best for you and your grand hild. I wish you luck.

    Answer by sta517 at 7:50 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Leave it alone. That is her and your son's child, not yours. Grandparents don't have rights to visitation in most states unless one of the parents is dead. It is up to the parents to decide when to bring the child. She has no obligation to bring her child to you. You can see the child when it's your son's visitation time. If you want to help your son secure his visitation rights, fine.

    Answer by heatherann0221 at 10:15 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I see from some of your replies that your son doesn't see his child. Do you think about how stressful that is to her? My ex's mom tried to pull the same thing that you are doing instead of getting on her SON for not being a parent. Back off for a little bit. She's a single parent, she's trying to do what she can. You're not helping.

    Answer by heatherann0221 at 10:23 AM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I'm sorry your going through this. Honestly, she sounds horrible but if you get a lawyer involved she's not going to want to give you time with your grand baby. Can't you visit when your son has the baby or go with him on his visits?

    Answer by Cosetterose at 7:40 AM on Mar. 9, 2011