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Gay vs Bi or just a phase?

My daughter's 19 & living on college campus for 1.5 semesters. Since she was 15 she has had a "best friend" 2 years older than her. These 2 have had many tremendous fights, so much so I labeled it a "toxic friendship." They live hours away from each other. My daughter now says that she is gay & this "toxic friend" have been involved for the past 3 years. At the same time she has dated & been interested in guys but has not had sex with a man. She says she dated a girl at college for 2 months which I thought was experimenting. She fights weight problems and doesn't have the highest self esteem, so I wonder if she keeps going back the the "familiar" with this friend. Even worse, the fights these two girls have had over the years have left me with very bad feelings towards this girl. I don't know what to believe. If she's never been with a man, how can she know for sure. We were so close & I never suspected. What's your thoughts

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Asked by WonderingHeart at 6:34 PM on Mar. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 6 (122 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • It could be a phase, but only time will really tell. Either way I would encourage her to end the toxic relationship/friendship. Whether or not shes gay she deserves someone to treat her well.

    Answer by gemgem at 6:37 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Have you ever been with a woman? If not, how do you know you're not gay? See how that doesn't make any sense?

    However, if she's dated and been interested in guys, she may be bisexual. Unless of course she just did that to "fit in". Only she can tell you the real reason for that. It does sound like the relationship she has with her friend is toxic, but the same could happen with a man.

    Answer by Anouck at 6:37 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Well, to say "if she's never been with a man, how can she know for sure" is like saying if you've never tried eating a worm, how can you know for sure you won't like it? If it has no appeal to you, then it has no appeal to you. She may choose to try it at some point, if she's expressed some interest in the past. Hopefully, she will move beyond this toxic woman at some point, but for now, she probably feels comfortable and familiar with this woman, which is why she goes back to her. Being a lesbian is difficult business. I've been bisexual for a very long time, and I stopped dating men for about 2 years. Dating women is a very different world than dating men, and at 19, she's still discovering a lot about herself. Try to be as supportive as you can. There isn't anything YOU can do to make her stop going back to the toxic woman. But you can be her support when she falls, as happens when anyone dates. (cont)

    Answer by musicpisces at 6:40 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • What she needs right now more than anything is your unconditional love, no matter what her sexuality. Her sexual preference is not for YOU to determine, and realize that sexuality is fluid. There are not specific categories that people HAVE to fit into. If she primarily dates women, but occasionally dabbles in dating men, that's okay. She is the only one who can determine what's right for her. She may end up with a man, but more likely, she'll end up with a woman.

    You need to find a place where you're okay with that. Have you ever heard of an organization called PFLAG? It might be a good resource for you.  Their website is  They can give you some wonderful and accurate information to help you learn about what your daughter is going through and how to be supportive of her.  Good luck!


    Answer by musicpisces at 6:43 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • You sound like you love your daughter very much, so if she is gay, straight, or bisexual, I am guessing that you will love her no matter what. I would let her sort this out on her own, but be there for support when she reaches out to you.

    I have been with a man for 13 years, but before that, I had one gay relationship, and I can honestly say that if something ever were to happen to my relationship, I would consider dating a woman as much as I would consider dating a man. To me, people are people, and the things I look for in a person transcends gender: I want someone who is educated, ambitious, has a good work ethic, good sense of humor, etc. None of those are gender specific things.

    I have never been in the position, but I really don't think I would bat an eye if one of my daughters told me they were gay...aside from maybe joking "you better still want children...they have a ton of options now!" LOL!

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 7:02 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • It could be a phase, but it could be that she is Bi... many people are bi, and can go either way with someone they feel connected with. It just eliminates the male/female aspect of it, and really comes down to who they want based on personality or comfort.. things of that nature.

    Answer by jaysmommy04 at 7:18 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • It could be a phase, but it might be who she is. I have been bi since age 13. Everyone labled it as a phase, but I'll always be attracted to my Husband (not other guys, they just aren't attractive compared to my Husband - who is THE sexiest Man) and the ladies. ;D

    Answer by -AJ at 10:52 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • you have to admit girls are prettier :)

    Answer by Liz4Life at 1:24 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

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