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Who will you leave your child/children to?? Will question...

My husband and I will be finalizing our special needs child's adoption within the next 4 months, we also have an older biological child...

Before we adopted, we had planned to leave our bio child to my parents or to my brother.. Now that we are adopting a special needs (medical) child, it puts things into a whole new ballpark!

my parents are not very good at taking care of their own health (not keeping steady appointments, not taking medication on a regular basis) and they are not very good at controlling their money (our special needs child has a subsidy). So we worry about them not being responsible enough to take our child to Specialists and therapy appointments and wasting the subsidy...

My brother is now engaged to a girl that, in the beginning of our adoption process, she made it clear she could never see herself adopting a child of a different race, which our special needs child is. Plus they have had A LOT of DRAMA in their dating/engagement relationship. We are worried about the DRAMA our children would be put thru in their marriage, and even though she has fallen in love with our child, we worry about how she would treat our child compared to children of their own, and how she would feel about the stares that come with having a special needs child and a child of a different race...

The one Couple we are considering is our adoptive childs caseworker that lives out or state. The Caseworker had considered adopting our child right before we came into the picture and devoted a lot of love and care to our child. Deep down, the caseworker is the only person we feel that we can fully trust to love and care for our children as much as we do...

So now we are trying to come up with the best way to approach caseworker about the possibility, and not to have our families find out, because they will be devastated... Do we do what we feel in our hearts is the best thing for our children and leave them to the caseworker or save face with family and leave them to my parents???

Answer Question
 
TiffyTaffy79

Asked by TiffyTaffy79 at 10:22 PM on Mar. 9, 2011 in Adoption

Level 14 (1,783 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I plan on leaving my kids to someone who I feel would raise them and love them the same as my husband and I would. We really have discussed it too much, but I know we need to.
    amber1330

    Answer by amber1330 at 10:26 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Man I am fully of typos tonight! We really haven't I meant.
    amber1330

    Answer by amber1330 at 10:27 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Do what you feel is best for you child/ren.
    DragonRiderMD

    Answer by DragonRiderMD at 10:34 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • We have the kids going to one of DH's sisters. His mom is now 80 and not in the best of health. My mom is vaguely functioning alcoholic. The sister we would love to chose lives overseas in a small apartment with a special needs child; we feel the move alone would be a poor choice, never mind a family that is way different than our own. The sister we chose is in her late 40's, never married and has said she would do what was necessary for the kids - move to our house, keep them in their current school, etc… Hopefully, no one will ever find out if it is the best decision.

    Do what is best for your child. Feelings might get hurt, but then again, hopefully it will never truly be an issue.
    balagan_imma

    Answer by balagan_imma at 10:40 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • definatly my parents.... They are still young ( my mom just turned 40) and I trust them with my kids more than anyone else....

    If something should happen to my mom before something happens to me, then i would probably change it to my aunt and uncle ... I know how much they love my children and how much they do for their own ... I would beable to trust that they would...
    2lilbumblebees

    Answer by 2lilbumblebees at 11:51 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Not my siblings and not my husband's siblings. (Neither of us believe a single one of them are good parents--either too controlling or not involved... ) I would never put my child's future in jeapordy just to appease a family member who belives that blood ties are enough of a reason to take on another child.
    GoodyBrook

    Answer by GoodyBrook at 1:18 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • We will not have our son with blood relatives. First, if blood matters - why did we adopt? So we do what I know is best for him. I wanted to believe my family could but it really would be hard for many reasons. We chose friends and a back up family. They each have some good things that will help him more than our family can. We make sure my child spends time with the chosen friends and they are our family - just not biologically. And they truly love him and us. We love them. It made my heart glad to see them all together recently because I know there is a good healthy connection. And sure family will be pissed. But I am also dead. So really not much can be said. I also don't tell them of my choice. They assume it is family and our friends know it is them and have the necessary documents.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:23 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • When I adopted my children one of the questions they asked me was if I had a plan for the children in the event anything happened to me and my husband. We asked my brother in law and his wife. They are wonderful people who love us and our children. Our children also love them.They also understand that the kids may have some special issues and questions regarding their adoption and foster care experience. They also have a large house which is important since we have three kids and they have two (older teens) kids. They were very flattered that we asked them and happily agreed. We agreed years ago to take their kids if anything happened to them:)

    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 9:43 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • Thank you all so much for your answers!!! We have always had a plan in place for our biological child, but since our medically complex child has come home, a lot of things have changed and we believe our old plan to place with my family is not in the best interest of both of our children.... Frogdawg, thank you for your comment "First, if blood matters - why did we adopt? So we do what I know is best for him." "And sure family will be pissed. But I am also dead.".... You hit the nail on the head! Now we are trying to decide how to go about asking our child's caseworker...
    TiffyTaffy79

    Comment by TiffyTaffy79 (original poster) at 10:53 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • As a parent, you need to do what is best for your child. DH and I got into it several times with our parents because our will states that if we both pass, my best friend will get her. It was even to the point to where my MIL approached my friend at DD's baptism and tried to tell her how much better DD would be with "her family" instead of my friend.

    It is stated in our will to leave her with who we feel is best for her...if parents and siblings and whoever else don't like that, so what...?
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 6:59 PM on Mar. 10, 2011

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