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What is the biggest misconception of birth moms?

Do you think that we are bad people or that we dont care about our child? i have been dealing with this a lot since i had my child nearly 10 months ago.. it got especially difficult after i started working and people were judging me because i am emotional about it. I thought that emotion meant it was real but society has a different idea. what are your thoughts? I gave my child something i could not a stable good home.. being homeless just getting clean from drugs and trying to get my life in order was no way to raise a child.

Answer Question

Asked by lcrowe_10 at 10:56 PM on Mar. 9, 2011 in Adoption

Level 6 (139 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Honestly, giving a child away has got to be an excruciating decision and I would think a responsible and loving Mother would do this if necessary.

    You did what was best for your child and for you and of course you'll have emotion over it. No one should judge you.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:58 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • Only you know what went into your decision to do that, not anyone else, and they do not walk in your shoes. Don't let their judgments in. You did what was best for your child, and that's a very difficult decision. Be confident in what you did, be strong, and seek out your friends who support you.

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 11:02 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • When I think about birth moms I think about how sad I would feel if I gave up my baby! I admire the moms who can do it! Iwas pregnant at 16 and was pushed really hard to give up my baby, no way in hell. My poor child had a rough few years with a teenage mom and dad but it's stable now. (thanks only to God)
    The moms who are so unselfish, as to care more about their child than themselves are REAL moms, as I see it! Way to go! Thank god you are clean now and getting back on your feet. one day if you choose, you will be an amazing mom!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 11:20 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • I am a bit ahead of you in my journey. My son was relinquished over 41 years ago. The biggest misconception I think most people have about moms who relinquish is that they WANT to relinquish and do not love their children. Many people do not understand the sheer desperation and fear that often leads moms to either think about or place their children for adoption.

    Not until my son found me did I even tell anyone about my son's adoption. For over 30 years, I told no one.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your child and that you are being judged harshly. What others think doesn't matter. You have to trust that you made the best decision you could, based on your circumstances and the information you had at the time. I wish you the strength to rebuild your life for your sake and your child's as well.


    Answer by Southernroots at 11:55 PM on Mar. 9, 2011

  • A big one is that you didn't want to baby. I also hate the one where you get patted on the back for not having an abortion. Abortion & adoption are NOT related. I wish people would stop comparing the two.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • From the very first time that you become a mother, you realize how much you love your child an that you will do anything possible to make your child happy. We all want to improve the lives of our children so they won't have to deal with what we went through. But there are some mothers out there that as painful as it is, they give up their children to that they will have a better chance at life than they ever had. For those mothers that do this, I do commend them for wanting to give them something that they know that they can never do. Being a mother is not the easiest job in the world, and we don't get paid for it. It's all about seeing them grow up and making something of themselves, and at that moment, we can be proud of how we raised our kids.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:03 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • Most people assume my son's mom was a drug addict and he was removed. They say things I have to politely and quickly cut them off. It scares me that some may have a kernal of truth but not I don't view her as bad. I hope he doesn't. I also have fears that she will try to get him back. But I say this to every parent: stupid is no way to parent. So I leave behind the fear with him and give her compassion. I try to think about all the birth moms I know on here and in person. This way I have a little more courage to fight myself and my negative thoughts and not her. I can honestly apologize for being scared but it took many years to own up to being afraid, just recently really. Funny, the same loss you have everyday without your child is the same loss I fear the most. Maybe one grieves and the other fears grieving.

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:15 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • For me, it's that I "gave up" or "gave away" my child. It's been over 11 years, and people are still idiots about that. I'm also getting sick of the "do you regret doing it" questions - it's like, now that it's been so long and I'm married and have more kids, people think I regret choosing adoption - I can't answer that one. There are so many misconceptions about adoption, period, by people who have no idea, who have never been touched/affect by it, who don't know anyone in the triad. As long as YOU feel good about your decision, as long as YOU know YOU made the right choice for YOUR baby, you can ignore the stupid people - I've learned how. ~hugs~ to you mama!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:02 AM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • For me personally the biggest misconception is that I didn't want my son or that I didn't love him. I've heard a lot "someone that loves their child doesn't give them away"...while I do believe this in part I also know that I loved my child and felt I made the best decision I could at the time.
    The other is those that believe we forget and move on. How could we ever forget, we have placed a hole in our hearts that can never be filled. I know I have moved on in the sense that yes I married, I have more children, I have a house, a car, a good career etc...but you don't just move on and pretend it no longer matters before life is good. I think no matter how great adoption was for some, it stills hurts and you don't forget.
    I also hated being praised for doing such a great thing and then told I must not have cared or wouldn't have been good enough as though I was incapable to raise him which wasn't true.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 12:34 PM on Mar. 10, 2011

  • For me it's that they get over it, move on with their lives, and the pain becomes less over the years. Or, that because they know their child is alive and well that somehow negates the pain of the loss. Another one is that had a birth mother kept her child it they would have abused it because they didn't really want it, and the child would have ended up in foster care anyway. Another is that because a birth mother regrets her decision it's because she had a bad adoption experience.

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:43 PM on Mar. 10, 2011

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