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Mother enabling her son, what's a dad to do?

My DH has a son who's 19 and lives with his mom. She has never given him chores to do, gave excuses when he was not trying in school, rewarded him when he got into fights and got bad grades and he doesn't want to work or go to college. So, where does that leave my DH? He's always paid child support and has several more years of doing so. He also has no say in anything and she has manipulated her child so much that he doesn't know the truth from anything. My DH for years has tried to get him to live with us because of fear that this might happen. His son cancels on him all the time and hasn't visited for almost a year. He's technically an adult but gets treated like a baby at home. What gives?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Mar. 11, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • It almost sounds like parental alienation syndrome where mothers or fathers try to turn their child against their parent usually due to a divorce. Don't worry, this will backfire eventually. It takes time for young adults to find out the truth. I recommend just being there for your stepson as much as possible. Don't badmouth his mother to him, ever. Let him decide who the real jerk is on his own. Good luck. PS I've been there...and done that.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 7:36 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • i have heard every thing so if he lives with you will he get off his ass and get a job
    if not will he be cleanning up after himself
    i think not so now you will have to clean up after him
    that's great he needs his dad but has showen that he wants to bee near dad no at 19 you no longer have to give him money
    time for all of you stop wiping the kids ass and tell no more money till he gets a job or back to school
    he is old enough for girlfriend he old enough to get a job
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 5:17 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Nothing either of you can do. My sons dad sees his son the same way albeit the situation is different. My sons Bipolar and cycles daily and cant get a job and keep it. He also doesnt stay in college and quits randomly. I also get child support & it will probably extend until our sons 21 because he still lives at home (although ex isnt currently paying we go to court for the extension soon). The only advice I can really give is to spend as much time with him as you can. It doesnt matter what fear is there, thats his son, and if he expects to make any difference in his life he has to show up and take him places. Even if it means going to where his son lives and renting a hotel room for the weekend.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 11:58 AM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • There's nothing you or your DH can do. I'm glad that he's trying to get his son to live with him to change the behavior, but honestly the damage has been done. His son wouldn't want to leave the lap of luxery if he doesn't have to. As painful as it might be to your DH he may just have to wash his hands of it. I mean, there's only so much you can say before you're just abusing yourself with your own words.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 12:01 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • I hear what you're both saying but my DH is always ready to pick him up and its his son who cancels or would rather spend time with his girlfriend. It's always something and it's been like this for many years but now my DH has less of a say or no say since his DS is 19. He wanted him to live with us regardless of that fear and wanted him here because a boy needs his dad.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:50 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • I thought he only had to pay for child support for adult children when they were still in school. I think I would fight the CS issue.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:22 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Yeah, it has been parent alienation all the way and continues...Unfortunately, we live in NY where there is too much leeway in the legal system and as far as still being in school, not until he's 21 or if he's fully emancipated. Emancipated, why would he get a job? His mom doesn't make him get one or pay for things. What's truly sad besides having no work ethic is that all the lies and manipulations (by the mom) have only hurt this child and he will have lost out on a great relationship with my DH. He continually tries to reach out to him and gets denied- truly heartbreaking. A deadbeat Dad he is not but a truly vindictive ex she is. Going to court is just another mess and a waste of money we don't have.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:17 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

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