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setting rules in a divided family

Everytime my lil girl visits her dad she comes back a whole different person with a big raw attitude. If i make her help around the house she complains about how her dad doesnt make her do anything at their house. Ofcourse all he's gonna do is spoil her since he doesnt have her all the time. He's gives her no discipline at all. Any advice?

 
roxy1209

Asked by roxy1209 at 10:16 AM on Nov. 23, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (5)
  • Have a sit down special lunch with your daughter and explain that every house has different rules and different ways of doing things. Give examples how you parents set your bed time at ___ but your friend's mom let her stay up until _____. Use lots of examples and how it doesn't make a parent wrong, just different. Then bring it back to her specific family and situation. Explain that her dad loves to do those special fun time things with her because he doesn't get to see her as often. Let her know you are so glad she gets to have so much fun with him. Point out that if she lived with him all the time that they couldn't do all those fun things every single day. Let her know that you want to set up special dates with her but she must follow the every day rules of your house.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:51 AM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • Just stick to the rules and let her know just because those are the rules there, she knows what the rules are in your home. I have the same situation and always just sit down with the kids and remind them I am their mother, they live with me, they know the house rules. If they choose to come home and think they have changed because they spent a weekend in a home with different rules itll only hurt them because theyll be disciplined for breaking the rules. Tell her she can act whichever way she pleases when she is with her dad under his rules, but your rules still apply.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 10:18 AM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • Just continue to do as you've always done. Same rules, same discipline, etc. You're the one who has shown her the most stability by keeping all things the same. I went through this when my kids were 11 & 8. I've heard it's guilt that makes the Dad do this, not sure. To me it was more like he was just doing it to get at me. To bug me...he was all about our rules when he lived with us, but the minute he moved out, all of a sudden the rules didn't matter? Weird. They were always eager to go on Friday evenings, but so happy to come home on Sundays....kids do like boundaries, even if they can't verbalize it. There's a sense of safety and caring involved in boundaries. And now that they're 28 & 26....they've both told me that they credit me with their stability as adults. They said they could always trust me, because nothing ever changed. The rules were the rules. Whatever I said, I meant.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 10:20 AM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • Just explain that you and her father have different values and principles....and she cannot expect you to change your own because she prefers her dads.

    However, I would ask why she prefers her dads and what she would like to happen with your rules to make them seem fairer on her...get her involved in this type of decision making and see what suggestions come up - this way you could potentially compromise and make her feel like she has a say in things which will not only make her feel better but will help her develop the skills to decision making and what is fair.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 10:24 AM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • I would just sit her down. Talk to her . I would tell her that what you do at Dads house and what you do at Moms house is different. Dad doesn't make you do chores. But mom does make you do chores. She needs to understand that you both are different type of parents.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:32 AM on Nov. 23, 2008